It was a blur…
I was going through an outside-of-body experience…
It was a nightmare… I kept wishing it was a nightmare…
That the night before never happened…
We never went to Winter Wonderland…
Never had I felt or gone through an experience like this…
Of course, I had break ups, some bad, some normal… Of course, I felt heartbreak but never like this… All the others didn’t give me the sense of shock… They were all expected… They ended as expected…
This was a shock… This was not expected… And what even was this?
I didn’t want to accept reality…
I also did not understand what the reality was…
I was not sober for a second of those 48 hours…
I talked (on the phone) to whoever I trusted, whoever I could, whoever I knew had the power, compassion, and empathy to ‘calm me down’…
I did not leave my flat…
I did not eat…
I did not sleep (besides passing out on the couch a few times from crying and well wine…)….
I kept going over the conversation at Winter Wonderland…
I kept going over the last week and the last months…
Whenever I was conscious or not crying the same questions ran through my mind over and over again…
I needed to know…
Was this a breakup?
Did we break up?
Should I text him?
Should I call him?
Will he text?
Will he call?
Does he regret it?
Is he crying too?
Is he still going on his ski trip?
Are we still going to Rome next week? Or do I cancel?
We are technically still together, aren’t we? He said he needed time, he said we’ll talk…
Can I still wear my (his initials) necklace that he loved?
Do I keep the photo of us on my home screen?
Do I throw away the flowers he got me just 2 days ago?
Do I throw away the first flowers he got me that I had dried out to keep due to its meaning?
He was the only one with the answers yet he was the one person I couldn’t talk to…
I had to give him space… I had to respect his request for space and time…
But I was ‘dying’ inside… I felt physical pain like I had never felt before…
Like I wanted to tear my soul and pull my heart out so I wouldn’t feel…
Everything inside of me felt like it was eating me alive…
What if I did call him?
Maybe he feels bad?
Will he see it as ‘control’?
Will he see it as a ‘lack of respect’?
Will I push him away even more?
Will he pull away more if I stay silent?
Will I mess up ‘again’?
How could he do this?
How could anyone hurt anyone like this let alone someone who never did anything bad to them besides love them?
How can he not even check in on me?
Ok, it was bad, he hurt me, but 2 days ago we loved each other, we were holding hands, moving towards a future… How can he go from that to not even checking on me after crushing my soul and breaking my heart into a trillion pieces?
Anything, any text…
His birthday was just two weeks ago… The things I did… The things he said played back in my mind constantly…
‘No one has ever given me a birthday like this before’…
‘No one has ever thanked me for existing before’…
‘No one has thought of me this much before’…
‘No one has done the things you have done for me before’…
‘No one has ever treated me the way you have before’…
How do you go from that to discarding someone? From pulling the rug from under me? From throwing me away like I meant nothing like we meant nothing?
Maybe he was just scared, maybe he didn’t discard me?
I mean he first said, maybe we need to take a break…
Then he said, then we maybe need to break up…
In the end, he said, he needs time and space…
So technically we are in a relationship, aren’t we?
Not to mention, even if we are going to or if we did end we deserve a better conversation and a better ending (at least a clearer and with human decency) than the one he caused in the middle of Winter Wonderland.
He isn’t a bad person… Is he?
He must know I… We… Deserve better…
So it isn’t over till that talk is it?
Doesn’t everyone deserve that talk?
Also, he has my stuff and my keys; he knows that I have his stuff, so it can’t be over… Not yet…
Even if it might be we would have another talk, and during this talk, we would figure out if we can make it work right?
I could calm myself down, we could focus on how we weren’t meeting each other’s needs, we could talk about what we both could do better and that is the way relationships make it in the end isn’t it?
You go through these things, these rough patches, that is how you come out stronger, that is how you become a relationship that makes it…
By communicating… He said things I never heard before, he did things I never see him do… We just had to communicate better.
A great example of a relationship isn’t the ones that never have hardship or difficult conversations, or never have arguments, or make/break moments, it’s the ones that do have those moments but push through coming out of it or more importantly CHOOSING to come out of it together…
And this was our turning point, this was a make or break…
This was a momentary explosion… It was unlike him… It wasn’t normal… It didn’t make sense… It is beyond comprehension… So it has to be a mistake… He didn’t mean it… Why would he? Things can be first talked about, we never got the chance and we deserve a chance…
I kept going through the roller coaster of thoughts, and emotions… Overthinking the past, running away from the present and questioning the future… All the above questions/thoughts replayed in my mind on a loop…
I don’t think I was much sober during those first 48 hours… Not just with wine but drunk on all the emotions and shock… Not only that I became a chain smoker… (I was a social/drunk smoker until the break up)… Zapp (24-hour delivery app) became my best friend…
It was the holidays … Everyone was off from work… Already away…
I read and read and read about avoidant attachments…
I listened to podcasts…
I watched videos…
I took notes…
I studied everything I could have done better, everything I could do better…
Yes, you are allowed to say I was an idiot because what about me in all of this…?
He was the one who discarded me, blindsided me, said the most hurtful things out of nowhere, broke me into a gazillion pieces, and then left me confused about what our state is and what to expect… Without even checking in on me…
What about my needs and wants? What about everything he did during the relationship, the way he made me feel so unsafe and uncomfortable all the time? (at the time I had completely blocked out everything wrong, everything I doubted, that I second guessed while in the relationship)
Well, I’ll be honest within these first 48 hours none of the above mattered… He succeeded… He got me to believe I was the problem and I needed to work on myself and how to cater to him better to make this relationship work if we were to continue…
How was I okay to continue with someone who discarded me not only so easily but the way he did it? How was okay to continue with someone who lied to me, who hid an entire reality and personality from me?
Well, these 48 hours I was… I was alone… I was either on the floor or the couch crying and all I wanted to do was make myself better so he would want to continue…
We weren’t over… I know what we lived. I knew how he loved me. I knew what I meant to him… I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me…
Safe to say first 48 hours and the first many hours I was in the denial stage of grief… I was a walking (mostly sitting) definition of denial…
While he was due for his ski trip (as far as I last knew), I was due to fly to my best friend and her husbands in Milan…
I debated going/not going…
Thankful to her, a few other closest to my heart friends, thankful to my therapist, thankful to my parents who all encouraged me to go in fact to change my flight to earlier… So on the 3rd day after the breakup, I flew to Milan…
That trip probably was more heart-saving for me on this healing journey than most other things…
So I am no expert, I am no psychologist, but I am someone who experienced heartbreak… I can tell you while running away is never the answer, allowing yourself the break to get away to exit the zone that reminds you entirely about the other person was a healthy choice for me…
My best friend did not let me stay in bed… She made sure I got up…
I would also advise if you have the time and means to, definitely see a therapist during this time… I’ve been with my lovely therapist for years but it was essential for me as someone highly sensitive…
Photo by Igor Tudoran on Unsplash
There is no real advice I can give for the first 48 hours besides what I learned… Which is while it is okay to run away from your physical space, get away (if you can), stay with a friend, go to your family, etc. do not run away from your feelings… Feel it, live it, let it consume you…
Because the only way out is through… And yes I finally fully understood the meaning of that saying.
It is true… You can’t avoid it… You can try… You may be like my ex, ‘king of avoiding’… But no one can avoid forever… You’d only be delaying the pain, the healing, the growth, and whatever this experience is leading you to… And trust me when I say it leads to something SO great as long as you keep your heart open… As long as you trust the process and ride through it…
It leads to amazingly extraordinary discoveries about yourself, about life… I write this today with goosebumps as someone has already healed from this break-up (though healing, I think, is a lifelong process)… But trust me; heartbreak is one of the most rewarding experiences that can lead you to your true self, to your true dreams, and the right path true to your heart…
It sucks, it hurts, it is painful physically, mentally, and emotionally, and it is horrible, I don’t wish heartbreak on anyone BUT not only do you need to go through it… You will be so proud of yourself that you did… You will love yourself in a way you never have before…
Just trust me. (I didn’t think this day would come either especially not during those 48 hours crying on the floor…)
Don’t be too hard on yourself… Don’t let others be hard on you either… What you are going through is a big deal… Losing a person you love is a big deal doesn’t matter how you lose the person… There is no such thing as better/worse… It is all subjective…
‘The worst’ is the one you are going through because it is yours and yours only… No one can belittle that.
‘The best’ is also the one you are going through because it is yours and yours only… No one can belittle that either.
It sucks but you will be so proud that you let yourself go through it…
Though I wish neither of us had to… Ever.
Back to the 48 hours…
Plan: Go to Milan, see your best friend, cry on your best friend’s floor, drink A LOT OF wine, dance a little, then cry a little, try to laugh through a cheesy Christmas hallmark movie, try to force yourself to eat delicious Italian food without thinking of Winter Wonderland, get your head together, come back, text him ‘I respect your need for time/space, I respect your decision but we both deserve a talk even if it is going to end we both deserve better than that night, so please let me know when you are back so we can meet and talk…’ Then be ready for ‘the talk’…
Because as far as I knew, it wasn’t over till that talk, because everyone deserves that talk… One thing I was sure of is that I deserved that talk.
Who knows where it will lead… I didn’t… I was holding on to every ounce of hope I had and love I felt…
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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