“My life is nothing like I had imagined. The saddest thing is that the glorious fantasies I basked in while I underwent all those hormonal injections of IVF quickly turned into little nightmares when the baby arrived.
It’s been that way ever since.
Here I am, frustrated, overwhelmed, and — it kills me to say this — feeling some low-key regret.”
This is what Bella told me the other day. And as much as I hate to say it, it’s pretty evident.
…
Bella isn’t the same girl I knew all those years ago. The chick I knew was like a dog with a bone going hard with the stuff she loved.
She had a zeal for fashion. She could transform the dullest outfits into a fashion statement.
So artistic was she, that we persuaded her to start her own business. In under a year, her little biz was up and thriving.
Then the tots came.
She took time off to care for them.
But when she returned, a different wind was blowing. Things were not the same. Her clients had moved on. Unable to go full throttle like before meant she was making less money.
But the worst problem?
Bella’s mojo had dissipated like smoke in winter. A haggard, constantly exhausted demeanor had replaced her once bubby countenance.
She struggled to keep everything together — her kids, business, and overall well-being.
Meanwhile, as she worked less to care for the babies, her husband kept working. He’s in line to become the next C.O.O in the finance company he works for.
Happy times!
You’d think this would make any woman happy, right?
Well, our girl is far from happy. In fact, she harbors slight resentment for her husband.
“While he’s out there slaying dragons and wearing posh suites, I’m here smelling the stench of my decisions, and I hate feeling guilty because when I look at my babies, I know they don’t deserve a mom who views them as an inconvenience.”
Ouch
The truth?
Bella is many women out there. So it’s time we spoke about the brutal honesty of having kids that no one talks about.
…
Moms are worn out, spaced out, anxious, depressed, and have downright lost themselves.
But many don’t speak up and I get it.
How can you openly say you wish you could return to the robust and vibrant person you were before the kids?
How can you openly admit that you totally underestimated the negative effect kids would have on your life?
What kind of a mom would tell the world how swiftly they would relive a child-free life if it were possible?
…
It’s time we stopped glorifying motherhood for the sake of aspiring moms.
Look, we aren’t monsters.
We don’t hate our kids; we just don’t like who we become and how our lives change when they arrive.
It’s time we stopped glorifying motherhood and let in some air in some dark places so that the little girls who fantasize about being moms one day don’t step into these big shoes armed with skewed expectations.
Because the truth is, being a mom is hard work. Being a mom in the 21st century is freaking hard work.
Like Bella’s situation, there’s often little or no support. The social blanket especially in the West is thin or non-existent. You’re the only savor of your kids.
Between juggling doctor’s visits, extra-curricular activities, school needs, and everything else, it can feel like standing in the eye of a hurricane.
But who saves you when you’re unwell?
Who gives you time off when it feels like you’re hanging by the edge of a cliff?
Who calls time-out when you need to catch your breath?
Did I hear someone say, “But what about childcare?”
For starters, childcare is expensive, especially if you live in Australia like Bella. Most importantly good childcare centers are few and rare.
You have to pray and cross your fingers that you’ll find your tot in one piece when you return. This is why many moms are left with no choice but to give up their careers.
Most of them latch onto the hope that they’ll be able to come strutting back into the workforce when their kids are older. But when that time comes, things are usually very different.
The job market is no longer the same. And most employers question these moms’ abilities to be productive after being away for so long.
Also, since we’re being frank, time away makes moms a little bit rusty. It’s much harder to be as energetic and productive as before.
The mojo disappears, never to return.
Rip Mojo
…
Photo by iStockPhoto.com
Lots of things never come back.
Like, long periods of uninterrupted mind-blowing sex. Yeah, you can forget it.
Quickies are always an option — if you can muster the energy after feeding and changing diapers.
Did I mention that you lose the right to a good night’s sleep? I mean, you’re no longer a normal human being. You’re a mom.
A toned belly? That becomes a thing you can only reminisce about. Mommy boobs invade your body.
RIP perky teats.
The days you used to have a clean house become a distant memory because your home is no longer yours. You no longer go to the toilet alone.
You never watch the shows you enjoy because Anime is king, and Anime is what’s constantly on the telly that used to be yours.
You never finish a cup of tea before it gets cold, never enjoy a snack without having to share, nor do you read the morning news because someone’s always itching for attention.
You know what’s worse?
You never have time to think because your little people have deep wells of curiosity that can never be emptied.
There’s always a question, always directed at mommy. And of course, there’s the dreadful, nastiest of them all, “Why?”
“Why is the bird green? Why is the car going so slowly? Why can’t I have ice cream?”
…
But, something else always takes over.
The societal expectations of motherhood, coupled with mommy wars and mom-shaming, give birth to a whole new baby.
Mom guilt is its name.
With mom guilt, mothers feel pressure over everything all the time. We don’t feel as if we’re doing enough or showing our kids enough love, and yet, we hate ourselves for giving ourselves a slice of this same love.
This is huge.
It’s so huge we have to dismantle it entirely as it’s taking away the little sanity moms still have.
Moms feel guilty when they can’t afford the things their kids’ friends have. When they don’t do what other moms are doing, when they feed their kids the same meal for days, raise their voice, say NO, or are on the phone for too long.
It’s everything, really down to when they have some me-time.
…
So, where do we go from here?
Again, we don’t hate our kids, we just dislike the dynamics around motherhood.
This is why we need to tell it as it is:
Motherhood isn’t for everyone.
It’s a difficult, draining, lifetime job, which doesn’t end when kids turn 18. I know two women who are still taking care of their fifty-year-old sons because they can’t seem to find their way.
So let’s stop shaming women who choose to remain child-free.
As for existing moms, here are a few coping strategies:-
- Ask for help. It’s OK to admit that you’re close to burnout.
- Don’t feel guilty about claiming some time and space for yourself.
- Train yourself to be OK with saying NO to your kids once in a while. You kids aren’t in control. You’re the boss here.
- Refuse to give guilt any space in your conscience.
- Stop comparing your mothering skills with other moms. Tell yourself that you’re doing the right thing and own your style. There’s no judge. There’s no medal. You make the rules. So make them in a way that suits your life.
Be OK with what you can offer. Let it be enough.
Bishop TD Jakes has a quote:
If you don’t know how to adjust the shifts in your life, the shifts will change you. — Bishop T.D Jakes.
Let that sink.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock.com