Empaths often get a bad rap for being weak, overly sensitive, delusional, or dramatic, which is so ironic given the resilience and willpower it takes to survive narcissistic abuse; the traumatic effects of which wreak havoc upon the body, brain, and psyche.
As mentioned in my previous trilogy ‘The Empath Fights Back’, when it comes to dealing with a narc, the best form of attack is defense — i.e leave them for dead and focus on your own recovery. This is by no means taking the easy option; having endured this type of insidious emotional abuse for years, the road to recovery is a long and complex one, because what you’ve experienced is emotional violation at the cellular level, requiring a 360 holistic approach in order to heal.
It goes without saying that if you’re a person who feels things deeply, the wound will take longer to heal. To this end, you may have spent years avoiding yourself. You may have blitzed the internet for quick-fix answers, relying on Reddit or Quora for advice every time a narc obliterates your sense of self. You may be obsessed with H.G. Tudor’s Youtube channel dedicated to narcissism and sociopathy. You may have finally realized that whilst narc research is a step in the right direction, it won’t HEAL you.
Intellectualizing knowledge is one thing. Feeling your hurt feelings, facing up to reality, and changing your life is another.
You can only get away with self-avoidance for so long before you become blindsided by the effects of trauma. The body can only withstand so much, and eventually, the protective scaffolding you’ve built around yourself will burst like an embryonic sac, exposing the deep-seated wounding within. This devastation will, of course, lead directly towards real recovery and the opportunity to start again, but it will also require a lot of work.
You may be reluctant to focus upon yourself and your needs. Having made a full-time job out of trying to fix, expose, heal, or understand narcs, you, the empath, may have no clue as to who you really are.
Ask yourself this:
outside your role of rescuer, caregiver, stress absorber, scapegoat, whipping-boy, or devoted partner, who on earth are you?
It is, of course, counter-intuitive for an empath to self-prioritize, and it’s only when we reach a breaking point and our cup overflows from narc abuse that we’re forced to stop serving others and start healing ourselves. If you repeatedly refuse to ignore the red flags and tolerate abuse, your body will eventually present you with a laundry list of symptoms such as: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, low self-esteem, codependency, addiction, substance abuse, self-harm, eating disorders, inflammation, auto-immune deficiencies, hormonal imbalance, gut problems, and emotional dysregulation.
In the case of emotional dysregulation, you’ll be stuck in ‘drama’ mode, have a heightened response to everything, and be unable to discern an actual threat from a perceived one. Anybody who’s genuinely nice to you, or any period of stability will seem boring. Your nervous system will be primed and ready for the next narc attack, and your appetite for thrill-seeking will usurp your need for safety and security.
When your cup is truly full and trauma trumps drama, you’ll have no choice but to pull back from everyone and make your life very small in order to heal. Once the trauma leaks out, you’ll be seeping vulnerability like an open wound, and therefore be easy prey for bosses, landlords, friends, neighbors, and romantic partners alike. So batten down the hatches, regroup, reassess, and recover.
Once you’ve successfully separated yourself from your transgressors, you’ll need to shift focus from your external life to your inner one. Self-awareness is key to recovery, so you’ll need a good psychotherapist or narc abuse counselor to guide you through this part of the process. Jungian analysis or Gestalt therapy is a good starting point, but not for everyone. If a narc has wrecked your finances or ability to work, it’s possible to self-refer for government-funded therapy, so this is worth bearing in mind. It took me years to achieve this, but once I found the right person, things started to improve.
During therapy, you’ll track the origins of abuse, identify your predisposition towards attracting narcs, and work on establishing firmer boundaries. You’ll focus on your own thoughts, feelings, and desires sans narc. You’ll reset your standards and resign from being the stress absorber and go-to person that people take constant advantage of. You’ll hone your discernment and re-evaluate your feelings towards any remaining toxic people in your life. You’ll reconnect with your true essence, identify red flags and triggers, and rebuild from the ground up.
You’ll learn that it’s not your job to shoulder everyone’s load, and your tolerance for narcissistic projection -whereby others project their unwanted emotional state onto you -will dramatically lessen. Further, you’ll learn to be more mindful when triggered and to consciously assert a measured response in place of fight/ flight/ fawn.
Psychotherapy is only one part of the healing equation. Taking care of the mind is one thing, but the physical symptoms and side- effects of trauma will also need to be dealt with before health complaints become chronic. Energetically, you’ll be sprouting auric leaks like a colander, as narc abuse equates to soul violation. You might need an acupuncturist, osteopath, craniosacral therapist, or psycho-spiritual counselor to assist in this aspect of your healing, alongside implementing your own daily self-care routine or spiritual practice to support recovery.
. . .
Part and parcel of being an empath are sharing yourself with others; making a difference, being loving, supportive, and offering wise counsel where needed. Alienation following narc abuse will rob you of this role, and you may feel desperately lonely and crave connection with others.
As you gradually gather strength, you’ll become more adept at figuring out who to trust, and less reactionary to empath-bashing, aka verbose remarks about being ‘too sensitive, ‘thin-skinned’, or ‘gullible’. You’ll steer clear of gas-lighters, love-bombers, and charlatans, and avoid the nay-sayers who diminish the traumatic impact of narc abuse.
You’ll also get better at identifying the covert narcs, or wolves in sheep’s clothing, lurking on the periphery of your life; the ones who constantly ‘check in’ to see how you’re doing, then hit you with a barrage of personal demands.
During this process, you may outgrow friendships acquired through trauma bonds, with people who may be victims of narc abuse, but also display narc tendencies themselves. Anyone who still presents as a toxic entanglement, who constantly draws on your energy but has no real interest in doing the work will have to go; otherwise, you’ll find yourself feeling drained and resentful, and resentment = inflammation.
In the event of generational trauma and faulty familial wiring, it’s essential to withdraw from family in order to self-individuate- i.e. figure out who you are without them, as they may well be the source of your wound.
On the upside, you can expect to form closer connections with those who are also doing recovery work, and you’ll be less satisfied with crumbs of affection or scraps of attention from people who keep you on the subs bench.
You’ll learn to appreciate quality alone-time, instead of constantly wondering what’s wrong with you for having no friends. There’s nothing wrong with you, my friend; you’ve just been treated exceptionally badly. Don’t blame yourself — narcs are masters of disguise, born to dupe people. It’s not your fault for being too trusting or hopeful about a seemingly ‘genuine’ connection.
Empathy is a beautiful gift but serves nobody without discernment, so be careful who you share yourself with. Make sure your connections are reciprocal, respectful, and appreciative. Listen to your body. Step back from trying to heal others and concentrate on first healing yourself.
Below this article is a list of resources to aid recovery, some of which I refer back to whenever a big bad wolf appears and I need a quick reminder of what I’m dealing with.
Healing from narc abuse is not easy; most people try to swerve it; others (like me) take decades to get here, and some don’t even attempt to do the work.
Whatever stage of recovery you’re going through, here’s some sage advice from comedian Marc Maron to perk you up:
“Use every option you have at your disposal to maintain your sanity, without hurting yourself or others”
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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