The Major Difference Between Healthy and Toxic Relationships

There are tons of resources and information online about the things that are wrong about relationships, the collateral damage after a break-up and how to find love the next time around.

But what could also be useful is to know what is right about a relationship. There are many resources and information about that too. But there is one pivotal aspect of a healthy relationship that all other positive traits are linked to.

Moreover, if that specific aspect is absent, the relationship is doomed to fail. Even if the relationship lasts for a lifetime, the quality of the relationship will suffer until that aspect becomes a part of the relationship.

So what is that pivotal difference that makes a relationship either healthy or unhealthy? It’s how the two people in the relationship deal with conflict.

Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship. It cannot be avoided. Avoiding conflict is like avoiding your car breaking down or running away from replacing broken appliances in your home.

Something must go wrong, so there’s no point in hoping that something won’t. It’s just the nature of life. Even as individuals we make mistakes and cause a bit of trouble for ourselves. We took a chance on some leftovers and now we’re sick. We decided to take a certain path to work and ended up in the traffic we were hoping to avoid.

Problems are a normal part of life but how one deals with problems is not only a good predictor of one’s quality of life but of relationship satisfaction.

As I mentioned, all relationships will deal with conflict. Some ways that conflict could arise include feeling taken for granted or unheard, money issues, scheduling conflicts, lop-sided responsibilities, problems with the in-laws, selfishness, communication issues, abuse, addiction and the threat of infidelity.

Some of these issues are deal-breakers and that’s understandable. Setting boundaries is crucial for your own wellbeing because there are some things that you do not want to have to experience. But at some point you will have to deal with one issue or another in your relationship.

As you would expect, what healthy couples do when they face conflict is vastly different than what toxic couples do.

In the healthy relationship, one or both of the people will note the conflict and talk about it. Both parties listen to one another, giving each other the opportunity to express themselves.

One or both people in the relationship may go on the attack or go into defense mode because human egos are such fragile things and we have a vested interest in seeing ourselves as right and in not seeing ourselves as bad.

The healthiest of people know that they and their partner are both good and bad. No one is always right and no one is never wrong. Everyone seems to know that no one is perfect but doesn’t that mean that you are bound to make a mistake?

Therefore, it is the healthy couple that will air out their grievances and will vow to do better the next time. This isn’t lip service; this is an honest oath. It doesn’t mean that the next time they’ll be perfect. The issue may take some time to reverse, but as long as the communication is consistent, there will be a breakthrough.

The depth of a relationship is not measured on how amazing you feel when things are good. The depth of a relationship depends on how both people handle conflict with one another and rise above it rather than sweeping it under the rug.

It feels like the relationship evolved into something more loving and more durable. As a result, you feel more secure with your partner and if you’ve ever felt that evolution, you know it’s something amazing.

It’s more than just two people finding a win-win situation for each other. It’s an indication that conflicts don’t have to result in suffering. It’s an indication that conflict doesn’t have to produce a winner and a loser. We can actually work together if we respect one another and take each other as a part of ourselves.

And what’s even more amazing is that the better it gets, the better it gets. When future conflicts arise, you have the confidence to express yourself because you know someone has got your back and that you got their back too. And when those conflicts are resolved, the better and stronger the relationship is.

So instead of dreading the day conflict finally shows up, why not look forward to it? It’s an opportunity to take a good but fairly weak relationship and transform it into something better, stronger and more loving.

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I wasn’t planning on talking about how toxic relationships handle conflict because I just wanted to focus on the good. But if you’re interested, read on. I’ll briefly get into it here.

With a toxic relationship dynamic, it’s all fear-based and therefore there cannot be any opportunity for vulnerability. And if there is no intention to let yourself be truly seen, you will not be honest about what is bothering you.

You could be an agreeable type of person, a victim, passive-aggressive, it doesn’t matter. If you do not state what is bothering you, the relationship will never grow. It may continue and last until the day you die, but there will be absolutely no evolution.

There is also the matter of ego protection. Everyone is ready to admit that they aren’t a perfect person, but toxic people never seem to make a mistake. Therefore, no conflict is there fault.

As a result, one or both parties in the relationship will exhibit at least one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse: contempt, criticism, defensiveness or stonewalling. And because communication of the conflicts are at a stand-still, there can be no improvement.

Your relationship may last but it’s functionally dead. It’s more common for these relationships to simply be terminated in favor of trying something new that may work better.

But unless both parties in a relationship are willing to share their feelings on the conflict that has emerged, nothing ever will be.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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