There are endless lists of all the ways that you need to match with a potential partner. Everything from where you want to live, what kind of puppy to own together, how often you want sex, how you spend money, or how you prioritize your time seem to show up on these little “get your relationship right” checklists that are designed to help people determine whether or not to move forward in a potential relationship.
All of those things can be important and having compatibility in those can lead to an easier shared journey. But none of those matter if this one thing is out of alignment. You can potentially check all those boxes around lifestyle and other important areas to find a match and find yourself in a relationship that is painfully doomed.
. . .
What happens when you see life as an opportunity?
When each day brings the gift of choice with the potential to grow and change, your lens to the world leans towards hope and optimism. There will be failures, struggles, and days that life is brutal and completely unfair. But when you go to bed at night, you can sleep knowing that tomorrow is a chance to try again. You set goals, you plan to reach them, and then you work through the obstacles in your way. You believe in potential and that the payoff is worth the work and effort put in today.
Every small step forward is a move in the right direction and if you need a new direction, you can create one. You get to choose how you move in this life. You get to decide how you will relate to others and what boundaries you will set to create the life you desire. When something does not work the way you envisioned it, you try a new approach, or perhaps a completely different direction is needed.
When you live this way, those who join you in the journey help define your pathway. They may see hazards ahead or flaws in your plans that their constructive criticism helps you avoid or minimize the damage. The journey is about growth and moving forward in a positive direction, even when the steps are small. It is not a toxic positivity that believes all of life is just fine. It recognizes that life can be hard and painful, but those moments are all part of the journey that we can choose our attitude and responses to whatever happens along the way.
However, this is not the only way to see life.
. . .
What happens if your view life as fated?
Some people view their life as something that happens to them. There is no reason to set goals or work towards them because the outcomes have all been determined by fate, destiny, or some higher power. They believe they are who they are and that change or growth is outside of their capacity.
Any effort put into personal growth is futile because there is nothing you can do to make any change in your life, your world, or how you experience either. In fact, it is a sign of discontentment to strive for anything different than the current state of your life. When you go to bed at night, it is just a relief from the dirge of the day and waking tomorrow just brings more of the same.
When this is how you view your life, there is no such thing as constructive criticism. It is all simply blame for being who you are because it is not possible to be anything else. Your talents, abilities, and contributions to society are what they are and there is no point in striving. Failure is always evidence of your lack of skills. Potential is only in the imaginations of those who have not yet accepted their fate.
The overall thinking is one of powerlessness and futility when you are a fatalist. All of the things that happen in your life and relationships are outside of your control. One possible benefit of this worldview is that you are relieved of the responsibility that having a choice requires. If you are unable to do anything about your life and circumstances just happen to you, then there is nothing to be done but wait to die.
. . .
When these world views attempt to connect, they collide instead.
When people with these very different world views attempt to engage in a relationship, at first it may seem like a minor thing. In fact, the person who sees opportunity may view their relationship with their partner as a chance to make their fatalist view a positive space. The fatalist may find this idea of hope fascinating and be inspired by their partner’s tenacity. They may even think that fate or a higher power brought them together to share life because of these different views.
They may work well together until they don’t. Over time, something as simple as exercise can become a trigger. The one who views life as an opportunity may decide this is an important way to stay healthy and strong while the partner sees no point in it since we all die at some point anyway and would rather do nothing.
In the long run, they may begin to feel that their opportunity-minded partner is always pushing them and living a life that reflects discontentment with the destiny that has been pre-determined for them. This becomes especially problematic if one partner believes that a higher power has full control over how their life turns out.
It can also begin to leak into all those other areas that seemed to match so nicely in your early checklist. Things like money management and time management can be especially problematic. If one partner sees that these things are goal-driven and that you can enhance and improve them with effort, and the other partner believes in a more “it is what it is” and does not see it as a matter of choice, a huge canyon in compatibility opens.
These differences are like oil and water on a good day but quickly turn to a powder keg and match when the challenges of life emerge. Finding a shared path or solution is almost impossible. There is a winner and loser in every conflict until someone decides to quit. The opportunity-minded partner grows weary of carrying the weight and pushing their partner to engage and the fate-minded partner is tired of living with such discontentment and the pressure of choices they do not believe in. There is no peace and the explosion becomes imminent.
. . .
Take a moment to consider.
If you are seeking a relationship or connection with a potential partner, before your take all the fun quizzes about what kind of puppy you should own together or who is on top in the bedroom, it may be worthwhile to consider how viewing life as an opportunity for growth and potential or as something that is fated, destined, and unchangeable will impact a shared life in the long run. That may just be the secret to long-term compatibility. If you get that straight, then you can decide on your puppy…
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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