My ex-husband met someone online. Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it, at least initially. I did think it was odd he was letting me know and texting me a picture of a woman. But whatever.
He told me he was lonely.
So he connects with a woman online. But that’s not the scary part. They go out a few times. Still not the scary part. They keep dating. Nope, still not the scary part.
They get engaged.
Scary part!
Why is it frightening?
They have now dated for two years and know nothing about each other. If I didn’t have a front-row seat I wouldn’t believe it myself. They certainly wouldn’t believe it.
They would probably claim to know one another well.
After all, in two years, you would have to, right??!! Nope. She has no idea the things he’s done. And I”m not talking about to me during a marriage or strictly within our relationship or that he was diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder.
Although, if she knew some of that it should be disturbing.
In other words, I’m not speaking about relationship demise. People say things they shouldn’t and behave badly when marriages end.
I’m talking about character, values, and integrity.
Someone who is willing to lie, cheat, commit fraud, and break the law. Someone who took out a $50,000 loan and forged my name on it. Because he wanted to leave me with debt in divorce since he felt being a stay-at-home mom was taking advantage of him. Leaving me with no savings and retirement wasn’t good enough.
I’m talking about hiding money in a business we built. And doing so for years while I thought we were trying to save our marriage. I could go on and on with individual examples. It was severe financial and emotional abuse that extended to his own children.
No one is going to tell her what he’s really done. None of his friends or family are going to take her aside and warn her. Neither will our children despite having no real relationship with their father. They are too kind to do that.
Should she be able to read between the lines in some areas?
Absolutely! How do you date a man for two years without realizing he never sees his children except for one who works with him? I mean, not even on one holiday in two years? Pretty sure if you’re with a guy all the time you would realize he’s only hung out with his kids about six times each year.
As for her, my ex-husband jokes about her past.
It’s complicated and he thinks it’s funny. But just like no one who knows his truth is going to expose him. How can he know her truth for certain?
He wouldn’t.
And she wouldn’t.
And this is why online dating is frightening. You can date someone for two years and not know who they are. You are operating on assumptions of the little birds-eye view you’ve seen.
Because your worlds don’t intersect. You don’t have friends, colleagues, neighbors, or anyone in common. You’re not going to see an objective worldview of this individual.
Certainly, good people meet good people online.
That’s not what I’m trying to convey about online dating. I’m not saying many successful unions, happy ones, haven’t resulted from it. I’m not saying online dating can’t turn out well for a lot of people.
What I’m saying is there is a scary aspect to it as well.
Not everyone who logs onto online dating is who they say they are. And how would you know? You’re at their mercy because you’ve entangled your life with someone you have no history with.
The day my ex-husband texted me a woman’s picture he said he was lonely.
Ironic since I left him because it felt lonely being married to him.
Far be it from me to say my ex-husband is vulnerable. He’s a beast. He has done a lot of bad things and is not a man I recognize. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t susceptible to meeting someone and choosing to desperately want a relationship because of loneliness.
She could be great.
He could be great.
But…
Children even grown children are often smarter than us. When your own kids worry that you are marrying someone you know nothing about, it should give you pause.
Why do they worry about meeting someone on an online dating site?
Not because they don’t want their father to date. Not the scary part. Not because they are against online dating. Still not the scary part. Not because they don’t want him to get remarried. Nope, still not the scary part.
Because they are fully aware this woman has no idea who their dad really is.
And likewise, does he really know her?
Scary part.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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