A woman once loved a man. She wanted him to love her, but everyone said she was his “security blanket.” She’d get angry at her friends when they said that, but they were right. He just needed her around, and she wanted him to need her.
She would do anything for her man. If he snapped his fingers, she’d come running. She rescued and enabled him. She gave up her own interests to focus on him. She’d do anything to make sure he was happy every minute, even if it hurt her. She gave and gave, and he took and took. They were in a codependent relationship.
Codependency is when one person needs to be needed by someone and the other takes advantage of them. They become addicted to the other person.
Actress Lilly Collins discussed codependency in her collection of essays called “Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me.” Collins admitted that she was trying to be perfect for her boyfriend. She described herself as “The definition of codependent.”
She’s not the only one. Could you be codependent? Here’s how to tell:
You sacrifice yourself to please your partner
You idealize your partner. You don’t realize that they’re human with flaws like everyone else. Your self-esteem is so low because you constantly put yourself down and lift your partner up.
You’ve lost a sense of who you are because your entire life is wrapped around them. You’ll do anything to avoid a problem or conflict with them.
You’ll put them high up on a pedestal and always try to please them. You will be the giver in the relationship, and they’ll gladly be the taker. Your partner will take advantage of you, and may take you for granted.
You’ll even do things against your better judgment to please them
You’ll go along with what they want, and seek their approval to do anything for yourself. You’ll do things you don’t want to do because of your need to please them.
A codependent woman was afraid to drive at night. She didn’t see well and had night blindness. Yet, if her boyfriend called her in the evening to come over, she’d rush over to see him.
One night it was pouring rain and she had a bad feeling about going out in it. Against her better judgment, she went to see him anyway. Caught in the downpour, she clenched the steering wheel and strained her eyes to see the road through the sheets of rain. Headlights blinded her eyes. She drifted into the next lane, and an oncoming car blared its horn. She narrowly avoided a car accident because of her codependency.
You’re always saying sorry — even when they’re wrong
When you are codependent you’re always the one saying sorry. It doesn’t matter that you did nothing wrong. You’ll always feel you have to apologize. You’ll do anything to keep the peace with your partner.
You’ll feel bad about yourself and always try to see their side. They could have hurt you terribly, yet you’ll find yourself feeling sorry for them, instead of yourself.
You’re always rescuing someone
Codependents seem to always find the most broken people. They get involved with alcoholics, addicts, or anyone with a sob story. They feel it’s their mission to save that person, even to their detriment.
One codependent woman used to clean up her alcoholic husband’s vomit after a drinking binge. She made excuses for his bad behavior to people and felt sorry for him. Her codependent behavior enabled him to keep drinking.
How you became a codependent
Codependency often has its root in childhood. It has been linked to childhood trauma and emotional neglect. Your past is negatively affecting your present life.
When you came home from school upset, your parent was too busy chatting on the phone and shooed you away. You may have spent hours isolated in your room, and no one asked you how you were. Your parents may have divorced, or one died and left you abandoned. Your parents did not pay attention to your emotional needs. You were neglected.
A parent may have been an alcoholic, or too ill to pay you any attention. You tried to please them but always came up short. You may have been ignored or punished for expressing your emotions. You felt shame.
You grew up feeling like you were invisible. Your feelings didn’t matter, and even to this day, you feel alone in a roomful of people. You feel like you’re not like everyone else, you feel empty inside. You feel like something is wrong with you.
You don’t even know what you like or dislike. You don’t know who you are. You feel unimportant.
You find yourself becoming a people pleaser. You are becoming codependent.
How you can escape the codependent cycle
“If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless.” — Beverly Engel, author and practicing psychotherapist.
Being codependent is frustrating. Codependents often end up in relationships with manipulative people, like narcissists.
If you find yourself in this kind of unhealthy friendship or relationship you can change.
First, accept the reality that you are codependent. Start working on yourself. Give yourself the love and attention you didn’t receive in childhood.
Realize you are a valuable person who deserves to be seen. Stop getting involved with people who are only taking advantage of you and not meeting your needs.
You deserve to be loved fully in a give and take relationship that balances out.
You can’t go back and change your childhood, but you can change who you are now. You could seek therapy, or write down your feelings in a journal. What you have to say is important. Don’t ever let someone make you feel that you don’t matter, because you do.
A codependent relationship will only make you feel bad about yourself. You have one life to live, and you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.
Don’t ever let anyone take advantage of you again.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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