The Search To Heal Families

Who knew watching 60 Minutes would remind me of the why behind the reasons I do what I do. Here’s a glimpse into my story. Attempts to recognize my personal losses and gains still stings a bit as I move along with life’s calling.

As I watched Ken Burns speak about his passion for the U.S. and for us, the small pronoun connecting the whole of our country, I felt drawn to listen to his short life story shared on 60 Minutes.

Time heals wounds, and I felt lighter, freer, and ready to dig deeper.

Captivated, I listened to him share about the devastation of losing his mother to dreaded cancer, while at the same era the segregation and integration of Black Americans into schools began. The unjust world of racism matched his painful connection to his mother’s terminal cancer.

Soon, she passed and was buried in a mass grave. His father did not retrieve her remains. Back in the day, mass graves marked those who were unclaimed.
During a difficult conversation, a friend of his mentioned the connection between his mother’s missing body in an unmarked grave to the way he sought to uncover the stories of the U.S. as it revealed hidden depths only he would find and reveal.

He and his brother searched and found the grave and placed a marker commemorating her place of rest.

As I watched the show, I recognized my own inability to save a marriage and save my family replays itself in my passion for families and for stopping interpersonal violence on all levels.

The desire to see a father connected to his children, respecting and loving their mother continues to be a deeper, lingering factor in the inability to save my own home from the violence, chaos, and overwhelming burial it experienced at the cost of connection. Our growth as individuals and the personal changes we choose to make over time influences how we relate to circumstances out of our control.

Each time I meet a client, I am reminded they matter. Their families, including the victims and the children, all need to find hope in a difficult situation. Since not all of my clients face the same level of violence, each one is unique. None fit the identity of my own story, however, the ability to bring hope never fails to lift my spirits.

As I move into revealing how chaos arrives with inner demons, the story I watched on 60 Minutes touched my heart and mind. The reality of loss remains constant, even if the pain recedes, the memory of the pain remains in the body.

. . .

My Story Opens My Eyes

The entire Masters’s education I received gave me a training ground to explore my inner demons as well as expose the biases that followed me throughout my lifetime. Incredible stories of value and virtue, created from my walk in life among Native Alaskans, and Native Americans within the culture I lived for 9 years. Even after I left the world of darkness, I still remained constantly connected to thriving and rejoicing among the culture I loved so dearly.

As I learned about my cultural bias, the white, middle-aged religious men, I recognized how much I was placed right in the middle of my core hurt. In every opportunity to face my bias, I rose above it, until, proudly I can say every single man who bears even a remote mark of my previous bias, no longer triggers me. I am free.

The work, took months. Months of hard, soul-searching work I attribute to my Diversity and Cultures Master’s class where I was to identify my bias and write about how I would face it in my work.

. . .

My Bias Unfolds

I sat on my bed, after watching the Movie Crash and laughed at my dilemma. I told my husband, Lawrence, “I don’t have a bias! I love culture. I feel a little intimidated by Asian cultures because of the awe and respect, but all the other cultures I am so amazed by, yet feel connected.”

I discussed it with my therapist, who walked through my pain journey, and my stories of interpersonal violence, who never told me what ‘she thought’ but allowed me the freedom to find my own answer.

And then, like the magic of exploration, my ah-ha moment arrived. I was struggling, frustrated, at not having a bias. Frozen in a moment of awe, I stopped.

Out of my mouth came such hilarious laughter, it caught my husband off guard. He said, “What’s up!?” And I looked at him as I pushed all my books aside, and sat up taller. “I know my bias!!! I have a bias!!” And I laughed again, while I shared it with him.

He looked at me, “I could have told you that!” And when I revealed the same thing to my counselor, she mentioned it almost identically to his.

. . .

Growth Matters

Often, we cannot see our own bias, even if it is a snake ready to strike. My losses in life covered my bias up like a blanket of snow on a wintry night. I was oblivious because I had buried my pain.

You’ll find losses and gains in your life reveal themselves only when you are ready to face them. Once I accepted my ability to face my fears, heal from my past trauma, did my brain open up the doors to the past and remind me of some of the most painful past memories I would not have been ready to explore four years ago.

Each time I meet a client, I am reminded they matter. Their families, including the victims and the children, all need to find hope in a difficult situation. Since not all of my clients face the same level of violence, each one is unique.

Time heals wounds, and I felt lighter, freer, and ready to dig deeper.

As you dig deep into the revealings of your losses, you’ll start to release the baggage you’ve carried far too long. Take someone with you on the journey. The painful past opens up like a flood, and the pain might overwhelm you. As you move forward, remember there are so many chances to free yourself from the bondage of pain. You do not have to carry the pain anymore, alone.

~Just a thought by Pamela

—

This post was previously published on Live Your Life On Purpose.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything