The Things We Do For Love

Plans don’t always prosper

We all want the best for our kids. We always have, we always will.

I spent 24 years of my life in India. Even though I had an affinity for Europe owing to my love for opera, I did not think that one day I would land there. I never thought of leaving my country or worse still, of moving to four of them within four years, and still struggling to find a place to call home.

I met my husband on an Indian online dating site. It was never part of my plan to get married or have children. I have always been a carefree, extremely careless soul, and had it not been for persistence from my family coupled with some insane matchmaking, I would perhaps still be single.

So just in a jiffy I found my soul mate on Jeevansathi.com and just like that in 10 months after we were married I had my son. News of his pregnancy coincided with the scholarship to France I had been waiting for, but just like all the things I had planned, the scholarship came at an inopportune time. I had to let it go and gift it to someone not as deserving, but the light in her eyes at my refusal made it worth it.

If you sit on the wrong train you still need to find an alternative path to your destination

The girl who bagged the scholarship moved shortly to France and studied to become a conductor. I tried to continue singing on the side along with ghostwriting for my boss but to no avail. The fetus in me made me sick to my stomach. The entire pregnancy I spent struggling to eat and puke.

The baby was throughout at risk due to less amniotic fluid and other complications. I had to learn to deal with the health complications along with the excess baggage of being a wife, daughter-in-law, and mother all at the same time.

While I had lost an opportunity, for my husband opportunity came knocking at our doors at this time. His company sent him to America, before moving him to a different state every three months. With him moved I, and the kids — one son who traveled to America at three months old and one daughter born in the USA. We continued to shuffle between the US and Canada before finally returning back to India due to visa issues.

It is only when you step out of the rut that you notice how dirty you were

By this time, we had tasted the best of all worlds. When we returned to India, my son was 4, and my daughter 2. The children did not understand the seriousness of Indian school as compared to the American one. The schools in India did not care about the background of the kids but wanted them to perform or disappear. In a populated, competitive environment there is no other option.

So for the benefit of my son who was unable to breathe his new air or succumb to the pressure he was put through, we decided to chase the international dream. 11 years later, we are still searching for the best school, the best place, the best country, and the best language he should learn in.

After two years of corona and 4 years of false hopes through my husband’s employer of trying to make life certain for us, I came to Germany in 2020 to try to learn a new skill and move the children here — a place where my mother and stepfather could help us raise the children, or should I say, child.

When we have doubts about the decisions we make for the comfort of our loved ones

We all have our crosses in life and for me, it is my son. He is innocent, immature, and childlike. He is honest, hardworking, and meek. He has had to change several countries and schools and is still adjusting with a positive attitude. Compared to the kids his age, he seems immature and childish according to his teachers. Perhaps his child-like spirit has helped him able to adapt to his environment, which is altered every other year.

However teachers these days do not want children, but adults who would sit still in a class with no fun at all. If the child refuses to listen or obey even once, a phone call goes to the parent that instant and from here on would follow only polite warnings. I have encountered this feedback in the USA, then in India and now in Germany.

Many times I question myself if our choice to move the children to a better nation was wrong. Perhaps there is no perfect school, a perfect nation, and a perfect home to live in. Perhaps if we would have struggled a little more than 3 years in India, his lungs may have adjusted to the polluted air. Perhaps then, my son would not have to try hard to understand the discipline norms in America, India, and now Germany. Perhaps he would have then learned to speak one language before having to hurry and learn to read and write another.

No matter how much we plan, life takes its own course

My husband has lost several thousand dollars moving place to place, breaking leases last minute, filing paperwork for visas, and hiring immigration attorneys to bless us with a certain future. I have been trying to study in a new field in a new language in my late 30s, doing menial jobs following the same goal with the support of some family.

Yes as I had once dreamed of, I am now working in Europe and staying in Germany — the place blessed with the best Operatic jobs. Instead of singing here, as I would have wanted to, I am a student nurse in corona times. The only solace to my dismay is that due to the pandemic, there isn’t really much happening and I hope by the time the world comes back to normal, I will be a full-fledged nurse.

But what about my son. What has he done wrong to deserve such a hard life in his first 11 years of living? Are we making a change for the better or for worse? Are we plucking roses only to be pricked by the thorns? Will things be simpler for my innocent, polite, simple son?

When I face such a dilemma I can only bury my worries under the weight of the ink. The greatest disappointment for a mother is to learn that the decision she made for the benefit of her children unknowingly led to their doom. Not for our sake, but for my son’s sake, I pray that our endeavors bear the desired fruit.

—

Previously Published on medium

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock