“I can’t get no satisfaction!” — The Rolling Stones
That’s not actually true. I am quite happy with my relationship with my dearest. But there is also want, need, or desire for something more than what is.
There is a real struggle to be where we are without looking for the next level. It is not insidious but feels like a normal path for a deepening connection.
Scenes from growing deeper together
Sitting in his office basking in the warmth of the sun one late summer afternoon, my deepest want was to know him. The friendly business conversation let me see that there was so much more to him that he kept carefully out of sight. It wasn’t that he was fake or artificial, it was just clear to me that there was so much more to him than meets the eye. I wanted to be his friend.
A while later, a hard situation came up in the office and he was hurting. There was nothing I wanted more than to run to him and be a place of comfort. But our friendship did not have that depth, so I didn’t. But I longed for the day that I could be his safe harbor — a place of rest for his weary heart.
Weeks passed and our shared afternoon chats lengthened while the days got shorter. Our conversations deepened. Our friendship and trust were growing. As the sunset cast a golden glow across his desk, my mind wandered to what it would be like to have his affection and know his love. If just once I could taste his kiss or feel his desire, that would be enough.
Lunch on a winter day where all was revealed and we decided to see where the friendship could go if we followed our hearts and our passion. He knew some of my secrets and I knew his. His embrace and those kisses ignited something deep in me. What would it be like to be his lover — to surrender to him and know his heart and body in those intimate ways?
Months of love and exploration pass and our connection is deepening further. How much do I long for an extended time with him rather than a few stolen passionate moments? Date nights have been great and the sex is terrific, but the time is always so very short it seems.
He brought his toothbrush! Oh, be still my heart! We finally get an overnight to share. The bliss of the extended time is amazing. But why does the morning have to go so quickly?
A long leisurely morning, savoring snuggles and breakfast after a terrific evening out together. This is more than we dared dream. But separating is so hard. What would a few days together feel like when the hello and goodbye aren’t so close together?
A week away together with some business sprinkled in. Balancing our time and those we left at home is not as easy as it would seem, but the joy of togetherness is more than we dared to hope it would be. Why is letting go so hard?
Where is this all going?
One of the key principles in polyamory is that there is no relationship escalator. My dearest and I are both married to other people who know about and support our relationship. So, our connection is not on a pathway that follows many socially accepted norms.
We have been together for over two years and see nothing that would indicate we are not going to be together for the foreseeable future. However, many of the things that mark “progress” in a relationship or deepening commitments between partners are not on the table for us at this time. In truth, they are unlikely to ever be on the table.
The relationship is growing and deepening. We are a long way away from those early days together. What we are building together is meeting the needs, wants, and desires that we have each brought to the table.
Here’s the catch.
Is there a line that is truly enough? Will we find a place of equilibrium in our connection that we both say, “Yep! This is it!” and the rhythm and pace of our time together are sufficient for us both?
Life has been complicated for both of us as we have created this connection together. Situations in our homes, a little global pandemic, shifts in our jobs — all of that has been part of the real challenges we have faced.
Neither of us is unhappy or hurting from the deep dive we are on together. It’s not a place of discontentment that bring these questions, but rather a sincere curiosity about how this plays out.
Will there always be a longing for more time, a need to be connected, and a desire to be together that exceeds our available capacity? And if so, is that necessarily a bad thing?
We choose with intention to find joy in the love and life we share together. It is far more than either of us dared to imagine when this friendship began.
Perhaps gratitude is the balance for all of this. Savoring what we have together — the love, the joy, the intimacy, the shared time while acknowledging with honesty what we each want, need, and desire.
Only time will tell.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nathalie Désirée Mottet on Unsplash