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In today’s brand-new video, I unpack the dangers of settling for casual relationships and how they can rewire your mindset in a way that has a lasting effect on your love life. Then, most importantly, I share how you can get out of that crazy loop and actually see the potential that’s waiting for you.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
0:00
before we start today’s video I want to
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encourage you to like this video
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subscribe to this Channel and hit the
0:06
notification Bell so that the next time
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I release a video you get a notification
0:12
let’s begin there’s a real danger of
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dating the wrong kinds of people the
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wrong kind of person could be a person
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who doesn’t want what you want someone
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who’s just in a casual phase of their
0:21
life someone who wants to pick you up
0:22
and put you down whenever they want or
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it could be someone who’s even more
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egregiously bad someone who outwardly
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disrespects you or is mean to you
0:31
someone that we might label toxic when
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we date people like this it’s not just
0:37
bad in the moment when we might be
0:42
experiencing bad behavior it also has a
0:45
lasting dangerous effect on our love
0:48
lives and the people that continuously
0:51
date the wrong kinds of Partners or the
0:54
wrong we can’t even call them partners
0:56
because a lot of them don’t turn into
0:57
Partners but the people that
0:59
continuously date the wrong kind of
1:01
people often end up kind of rewiring
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their mindset in a way that has lasting
1:08
negative effects in their love lives and
1:10
keeps them single I want to explain what
1:14
this effect is because I think a lot of
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people listening to this won’t have
1:17
thought about it this way but before I
1:19
do let’s just talk about how we justify
1:22
dating the wrong people in the first
1:24
place some people justify it by saying
1:26
I’m just seeing where it’s going you
1:28
know yeah I know that this person’s not
1:30
in the right place in their life right
1:32
now I know that they’re just looking for
1:34
something casual but you know I’m just
1:36
kind of seeing where it’s going you
1:38
might even say I know they’re
1:39
emotionally unavailable but I’m just
1:42
seeing where it’s going other people say
1:44
oh I’m just having a bit of fun right
1:46
now I’m not taking it all too seriously
1:48
I’m not thinking about it too deeply and
1:50
so what we do is we often justify the
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kind of casual dating situations we get
1:57
into in the short term so that we can
2:01
enter into them for what are actually
2:03
deeper reasons for example we might want
2:07
to date this person that we say it’s
2:09
just a bit of fun with Because deep down
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we’re really lonely because deep down we
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really do want to find someone because
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deep down we’re craving intimacy we’re
2:19
craving connection it might be that we
2:22
really like this person and we want an
2:24
excuse to keep seeing them even though
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outwardly to everyone around us it seems
2:30
like a bad idea or this person is
2:32
admitted to not wanting the same things
2:34
we want we’ve now decided Well I’m just
2:37
gonna go along with this and and say
2:39
that it’s just a bit of fun and I’m not
2:41
thinking too much about it because I
2:43
don’t want to let it go so what happens
2:44
is we use these casual justifications
2:47
for deeper motives deeper needs or
2:51
insecurities or fears that we’re
2:54
catering to by being with this person
2:57
even though for some reason it’s not
2:59
good or not working here’s the danger of
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all of this because by the way there are
3:04
clearly times in our lives that dating
3:06
someone who is not going anywhere with
3:08
is more harmless right we see it as just
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oh I’m just having fun I’m just casually
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hooking up with this person I’m at an
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age where I feel like I’ve got time to
3:18
spare I am really just in that playful
3:21
time in my life that’s fine I think it’s
3:24
kind of interesting the idea of casual
3:25
hookups and hookup culture because I
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think nine out of ten hookups aren’t
3:31
that casual by the time they’re finished
3:33
one person might feel very casual
3:35
usually there’s one person in the
3:37
dynamic who feels like they’re gonna get
3:39
their feelings hurt something could be a
3:41
casual hookup for us and for the other
3:43
person they’re gonna end up getting hurt
3:45
in the mix or it could be the other way
3:47
around it could be us who ends up
3:48
getting hurt but there are times in our
3:50
life where we might be in that mode
3:52
however when we know that we’re looking
3:55
for something meaningful or serious when
3:57
we’re looking for a deeper connection
3:58
and we keep gravitating towards these
4:02
people that that clearly are looking for
4:05
something else clearly are just using us
4:08
that becomes very very dangerous and the
4:11
reason is because it starts to Blind us
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to what else is actually out there what
4:17
happens is you get used to the behavior
4:19
they give you as normal you start to
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think that that’s just how people behave
4:23
and it’s almost like in life that’s what
4:25
that’s the only Behavior we begin to
4:28
recognize so if you date someone who’s
4:30
kind of an you’re more likely to
4:32
have on your radar after that
4:34
because you can go into a room and of
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course there aren’t only in
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that room but everyone else will be in
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this sort of dull color that you don’t
4:43
recognize the person whose Behavior
4:46
mirrors the kind of behavior you’ve seen
4:49
before that person will be in color
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you’ll see that a mile off because
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that’s what your mind is trained to see
4:58
I think of it like the race car driving
5:00
example when a driver is on the track
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and their car goes off the road and
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they’re about to crash into the post
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they’re taught look where you want the
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car to go or look where you want the
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steering to go because if you look at
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the post you’re going to crash straight
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into the post even though you don’t want
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to and it’s like the love life
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equivalent of that this person that
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whose Behavior we don’t like and We
5:23
complain about all the time has become
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the post and even if we leave them we’re
5:27
still focused on that post that behavior
5:29
that Dynamic is what we know we’re not
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looking elsewhere our peripheral vision
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shuts down and so when we see Behavior
5:37
like that we somehow drive straight into
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it again and that’s how you say how do
5:41
you keep finding people like this have
5:43
you ever had someone like that where
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they keep dating these terrible people
5:46
maybe you even relate to it yourself and
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you go why how do they keep finding
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these terrible people let alone date
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them I don’t even know where they find
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them they seem to always end up with
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these people who do this exact same
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thing that’s because those people have
6:01
become the post and the problem is if
6:03
you can’t continue to repeat those
6:05
patterns with people it no longer seems
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like a post it seems like that’s life
6:09
that’s just what’s out there and that’s
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when you hear people make
6:12
generalizations like all men do this all
6:15
people are like that all dating is like
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this we live in a world where there are
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so many different lives to be lived
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there are so many different realities
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but we get fixated on ours because it’s
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known to us it’s familiar one of the
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problems people have with this line of
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rhetoric is well that’s all well and
6:38
good Matthew but what do I do when I
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keep being attracted to these people I
6:41
feel myself drawn to the wrong people I
6:44
can’t control my attraction I can’t
6:46
control my emotions it’s like that’s
6:49
what I’m drawn to the way I think about
6:51
that is how I think about
6:53
trying new foods there is a food that at
6:57
some point you did not know you liked it
7:01
wasn’t even on your radar and then
7:03
someone said try this now emotionally
7:05
it’s not like you wanted to try that
7:07
food emotionally you will have been
7:10
drawn to whatever it was your favorite
7:12
food was at the time when we all look at
7:14
a menu what do we do we scan a menu in a
7:17
restaurant and even though there are 30
7:19
options on that menu or 50 options on
7:22
that menu our brain scans the menu for
7:26
the thing that we know we like and we
7:30
find that and we order it which is why
7:32
whatever restaurant we go to nine times
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out of ten we order the same thing we
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order in any restaurant it takes effort
7:39
and curiosity to order something on the
7:42
menu that is unfamiliar to us and we’re
7:45
not attracted to it because we don’t
7:48
know we like it yet but when someone
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says have you tried this before and you
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go no usually you go no I’m good I’m
7:55
good and they go no no try it you’re
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gonna like this then we try it and we
7:59
like it all of a sudden that can become
8:01
something that when we see it on a menu
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we go oh I recognize that I see it it’s
8:07
like that part of the menu lights up to
8:09
you differently because you actually
8:10
know it sometimes what we’re attracted
8:12
to is what we know it’s the familiar
8:16
what we need to do is have a curiosity
8:20
that drives us in a different direction
8:23
that has us trying something new what if
8:26
I rejected
8:27
this bad behavior outright what if the
8:31
moment I saw someone has different
8:33
intentions than me and isn’t in the same
8:35
place as me
8:36
I saw it as a cue to go for something
8:38
different and what if I started paying
8:40
attention in my peripheral vision to
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people that I would not normally pay
8:44
attention to to situations that I would
8:47
not normally pay attention to and that
8:50
will be uncomfortable someone very close
8:52
to me in my life said to me you know she
8:55
was dating this guy in the early stages
8:57
and the the previous boyfriend she had
9:01
was awful to her treated her really
9:03
badly was really mean to her really
9:05
disrespectful
9:07
and then she started dating this new guy
9:09
and it was it was almost unnerving to
9:12
her that he was being nice she didn’t
9:14
know how to handle it and she went to
9:16
her mum and said mum I
9:19
I don’t I don’t get it he’s like he’s
9:22
really nice he’s being really nice to me
9:24
and her mum said that’s how it’s
9:27
supposed to be but for her
9:31
that hadn’t been a reality until then
9:33
for her it was an alien concept and even
9:36
if something is good if it’s not known
9:39
to us it can be uncomfortable we can be
9:41
fearful of it it’s unmapped territory
9:45
for us so what we have to do is be
9:47
curious enough to explore those new
9:50
Pathways when we start to get curious
9:54
it doesn’t involve believing something
9:56
different is possible it simply involves
9:59
us becoming a bit of an experimenter in
10:02
our own lives what happens if I date a
10:05
kind of person that I haven’t dated
10:07
before and really get present with this
10:08
person and really explore what’s
10:10
interesting or sexy or unique about them
10:12
what happens if I have a different
10:15
standard
10:16
with this kind of person in my life how
10:18
would that change things if I had a
10:21
different standard and I stuck to it
10:22
what happens if I take a step back in my
10:24
life and date no one right now the
10:26
Curiosity not the belief that it will
10:29
definitely result in something better
10:31
just the Curiosity of what could be
10:33
different it might look like being brave
10:36
enough
10:37
to say no even though you’re attracted
10:40
to someone when it’s obvious that that
10:42
person wants something different than
10:44
you do or when it’s obvious that this
10:46
person’s behavior is not the kind of
10:49
behavior that you want in a long-term
10:52
relationship and if you’re getting it in
10:54
dating then you’re going to get it in a
10:55
relationship most likely with this
10:57
person if you ever get there it might
10:58
look like going on a date with the kind
11:01
of person that you would never normally
11:02
go on a date with trying a new food and
11:05
seeing if it’s possible that if you
11:07
actually get present with that and it
11:09
truly experience it maybe it becomes a
11:12
new favorite food and it shows you that
11:15
you’re capable of being attracted to
11:17
more than what you’ve been attracted to
11:19
before and when we get a new result it’s
11:22
a new reference point and that result
11:24
might be good it might be bad it might
11:27
just be different but what it does is it
11:29
shows you different is possible it gives
11:31
you a new reference point for how dating
11:33
can be oh that’s weird I just went on a
11:36
date with someone who’s actually really
11:37
be good human oh that’s weird I had a
11:39
conversation that was much deeper than I
11:41
normally have over here oh that’s weird
11:43
like this person’s completely different
11:45
level of trustworthy or this person
11:49
um keeps their promises that’s new to me
11:51
and when you experience new like that it
11:53
gives you a reference point for a new
11:55
belief that other things are possible
11:58
and that’s the beginning of a different
12:00
kind of love life than the one you’ve
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had so far that keeps you in the cycle
12:05
of dating the wrong people people who
12:08
waste your time people who waste your
12:10
energy people who break your heart and
12:13
as I’ve been trying to highlight
12:14
throughout this whole video people who
12:17
by being with them literally wire your
12:21
brain only to see people like that and
12:24
not to see the full spectrum of how many
12:28
incredible people there are that would
12:30
make you so much happier than the person
12:33
you’ve been going for all this time I
12:35
have a program that I want to tell you
12:37
about if you haven’t got it already it’s
12:39
called the momentum texts and this
12:41
program is strangely relevant to this
12:44
video
12:45
because sometimes when we are trying to
12:48
do something new we need a very literal
12:50
way of doing that if I just if you just
12:52
stop here at this video
12:54
you might be left wondering well what
12:56
does that mean I do like how do I get
12:59
curious about another experience another
13:00
person how do I take risks in new ways
13:03
to meet new kinds of people the momentum
13:05
texts is a program that gives you 67
13:08
messages that I’ve created that you can
13:10
send to people either the same people
13:13
you’re messaging right now to get a
13:15
different result or brand new people in
13:18
your life so that you can see what else
13:20
is out there these messages
13:22
literally put you on a different path in
13:25
your relationships and sometimes when
13:27
you don’t know how to do that yourself
13:29
seeing how I would write something even
13:31
if you make it your own even if you put
13:33
it in your own voice that shows you oh
13:35
okay that’s how it looks different to
13:37
what I’ve been doing so it’s a highly
13:39
practical program and it’s one that not
13:41
nearly enough of you have yet I know so
13:43
many of you watch these videos I’m
13:44
asking you to get off the sidelines and
13:46
come do something really practical with
13:49
me it’s seven dollars by the way so this
13:50
isn’t a big ask but come over to
13:52
momentum texts.com home and join me
13:55
there for that program and see what a
13:57
different style of interaction and
14:00
communication looks like that can put
14:02
you on a completely different path in
14:04
your love life I’ll see you over there
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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