I’m turning 29 in three weeks. When I was 19, I thought that by 29, I’d be a completely different person.
I assumed that I’d be someone who was married, has at least one child, and owns a nice apartment or a house (and maybe a dog).
During the past years, and especially during the past 12 months, my whole life and plans have changed, and it feels like all that I ever thought would be me by 29 has vanished into thin air.
And I didn’t see it coming at all.
The last 5 years passed by almost linearly. I started a great first job. I had a harmonious relationship and thought it would go on like this forever.
Within a very short time, my relationship ended. Head over heels, I moved out of our apartment, which used to be my home for 5 years. Additionally, Corona hit the world, and I started doing my job as a school teacher from home.
All my usual ways of connecting to other humans vanished, and I found myself sitting on the mattress in my new unfurnished apartment, which seemed to be permeated by silence and emptiness.
What the f**k happened to my life?
It took me 6 months to feel alive again and find the importance of being alone. Here’s how I learned the lesson, that everything I always needed was already there.
. . .
Let your heart heal before you enter a new relationship!
Two weeks ago, I was going for a walk with my best friend. She told me something that made me realize that I never — in my whole life — allowed myself to heal from traumatic experiences and pain. She said:
At that moment, I realized that I’ve never really processed my first break-up, that I’ve always had some kind of romantic relationship or “thing” going on, and that I didn’t allow myself to be alone for more than a few months. Old wounds haven’t healed yet as I didn’t give myself enough time to do so.
I remember that I’ve always tried to move on as fast as possible. I didn’t want my grief to be there, and instead of searching for valuable connections to friends and family, I was already looking for my next soulmate to fill the emptiness.
Within the last few months, I realized that there was so much old pain that it would have been a catastrophe to enter a new relationship already. I’m grateful that I decided to take a dating break for 6 more months to let my heart heal.
And it pays off already! During the past weeks, I experienced a healthy feeling of satisfaction and serenity. My soul is light, and this sense of lightheartedness is growing each day. Also, I’m discovering what I want from my next relationship. That’s something I’ve never thought about before.
Today I know that being in love with someone isn’t enough. If the next person I’m dating doesn’t meet my values and perspectives on romantic relationships, then it’s probably time to move on.
I find value in being alone because it allows me to let old wounds heal. I take my time to define my own rules and boundaries to grow from my past relationships.
. . .
Being alone can be challenging. But that’s your chance to grow!
My last relationship was with someone who had a secure attachment style. We complemented each other, and before things got pretty bad the last few months, we truly had a great time together.
As it felt so safe and comfortable being with him, I always had someone who was my safety net. When work got exhausting or burdensome, I had someone hug me and cook for me when I came home. When I argued with friends or family members, I knew that I had someone who supported me when I needed advice.
Being alone still feels intense in terms of dealing with everything on my own. Of course, I have great friends and a supportive family, but at the end of the day, most of them lie in their beds with their partners and talk about what’s going on in their minds.
Being single means that you somehow have to channel your need for communication. The things you can handle on your own stay with you. Everything else can be a topic for the next walk with your best friend.
What I’ve learned is that I grow from dealing with problems on my own. I used to ask my ex-partner immediately when I needed help or advice, which is totally okay. But now I know that most of these answers are already within me. My inner wisdom is stronger than I ever thought.
I find value in being alone because it shows me that I’m stronger and wiser than I thought. Many solutions are already within me. For everything else, I have a strong network of friends and family.
. . .
Enjoy the fact that you don’t have to be considerate of someone else’s needs!
In the beginning, being single and living alone didn’t seem to be something to embrace, especially during lockdowns and quarantine. But when time passed by, I enjoyed it more and more.
No one cares if I take a bath at midnight while listening to electronic songs. Sometimes I dance through my apartment naked and allow my body to move. I talk to friends on the phone — for hours. I order food four times a week when I’m too lazy to cook. I enjoy a $50-brunch just for myself.
Of course, that’s something you can do with your partner, too. But being single means that you don’t always have to be considerate of someone else’s needs anymore. I don’t say that that’s something everyone should strive for. But this kind of independence can be liberating and joyful for a while.
Especially when you give a lot to others. As a yoga and school teacher myself, I’m providing and sharing information the whole time. When I come home, I only have to care for myself and my own needs. I know that this time of my life is unique and limited. That’s why I try to enjoy it as much as possible, as I know that there’ll be different times.
I find value in being alone because I only have to care for myself and my own needs for the first time in my life.
. . .
Final thoughts
On Christmas, I sat in front of the Christmas tree with my grandma, drinking wine and talking about my challenging year. She looked at the tree with tears in her eyes, and I knew she missed my grandpa, who died thirty years ago. She said:
Well, you know, Manuela. Everything changes.
What she wanted to say is that she never thought that she would lose her husband and the father of her children at such young age. She suddenly was alone, with six children and a family business.
Ten years later, she lost the second love of her life and lived alone since then. She made the most of her life and is a charming and funny elderly lady, but what I’ve learned from her story is that everything in life constantly changes, and at some point, we always have to deal with being alone for a while. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that we are lonely.
There’s immense value in being alone when we:
- Allow ourselves to grow and process old wounds.
- Find our inner strength and wisdom.
- Are only considerate of our own needs for a while.
There’s no better starting point to connect to others than being in a loving relationship with ourselves.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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