Before I knew how a healthy relationship felt, I knew how toxic and unhealthy relationships felt. I knew what I didn’t want, but there was still a part of me that was fairly certain long-term relationships and happy relationships were mutually exclusive.
I am the child of divorced parents, and of the long-term marriages (30+ years) I saw in my friends’ parents, it seemed that contempt and sniping at one another went hand in hand with a long-term relationship.
With two exceptions, it appeared that “happy” was synonymous with “newer,” so on some level, I ground my teeth when my Was-band was unwilling to put forth any effort into our relationship and consoled myself with the fact that we’d been together for a decade and a half, and that this was to be expected.
“This is just what relationships are,” he told me. “Get used to it.”
I never expected the honeymoon stage would last forever and yet I was still mildly envious of the two blissfully-in-love lengthy relationships modeled for me. When I was going through my divorce, I spoke in-depth with Alison — half of one of those couples — about what makes her marriage so successful. She and her husband have been together for 30 years, (but only married for 26, in case any nitpickers want to poke holes in my earlier theory). They have a 24-year-old son, a 22-year-old son, and a 19-year-old daughter and they are still clearly and affectionately in love. I’ve known her for 12 years, and the two of them are just as sweet and snuggly with one another now as they were when I met them.
Here’s what Alison shared:
“I set my boundaries early about what I was willing to do and what I was not. And while at times we’ve had discussions and compromises about where we each stood, I’ve adhered to those boundaries, and Matt respects them.
We not only love one another and respect the other, but we also go to an effort to make the other feel cherished and desired. This was harder when the kids were younger, but we have always always always made time for just the two of us each week, with no kids, and no talk of kids.
We prioritize our relationship above everything else. Granted, if there is a kid emergency, we handle that, but we keep “WE” in mind for every decision — big and small — and let that be our guiding principle.
We allow each other room to be a whole person, capable of growth and change, and we support those changes. Because we keep “WE” at the front of our mind for each decision, the growth and changes we each make aren’t detrimental to our relationship, and we usually discuss them, rather than make a unilateral decision. When I wanted to join a new gym class, I told Matt I was thinking of checking it out, what about the gym appealed to me, and my reservations (It’s a whole lot more expensive than my previous gym, but my previous gym doesn’t offer anything like this class.) Matt loves when I am feeling good about myself and the money wasn’t a stressor, so he told me to go for it! Each summer, Matt gets together with a group of his college friends for a week. When the kids were little, it was stressful to have three under the age of 4 years old, but I loved how Matt returned refreshed, grateful, and confident so I always encouraged it, just as he encouraged me to spend time with my friends away from the kids.
Sure, sometimes our life feels like it’s settled into a routine, and it’s not always exciting, but I love the comfort of being married to my best friend, and knowing he wants the best for me, and will always have my back.”
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When Alison talked about her marriage, I could see the calm certainty and adoration for her husband shine in her eyes, and I reflected on my dissolving marriage. None of these elements were present once we got married; and only a few were evident while we were first courting. I resolved that if I ever dated again, I would look for nothing less.
When I started dating my partner, we had a lot of talks about expectations around different areas of our lives, how we wanted to live, and how we wanted to feel in a good, healthy relationship. In addition to prioritizing our relationship as a whole, we both knew we needed both space to continue healing from our previous marriages, but also quality connected time together. We needed fun and playfulness and a whole lot of affection. We needed honesty (even — especially — when it’s hard to share) and to feel like it was safe to share. While both of us had had experiences where we had to shrink who we were to appease our partners, we knew we didn’t want to do that any longer. We are both committed to being wholly ourselves, and trust that if this relationship is the right one, the other will appreciate that about us, rather than try to whittle us down to manageable portions.
A quiet sense of calmness, peace, acceptance, and delight in spending time together is our top priority.
Until I began dating my partner, I didn’t have this feeling — almost like a relaxed sigh or an exhalation when I’ve been holding my breath forever. I didn’t know what to look for. I didn’t know how a healthy relationship felt.
We each feel like we’ve finally come home.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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