This One Thing May Be the Biggest Factor in Suicidal Behavior

Before they jumped to their deaths, they left text messages on their phones. The messages apologized but said they couldn’t take the pain anymore. They said things would never get better.

The victims — 16 and 18 years old — then buzzed everyone in a tower block until someone let them in. They got the lift to the top floor and jumped out.

Both girls had troubled family backgrounds and were known to mental health services. The 16-year-old had escaped from a mental health unit to complete her suicide. I’m sure “lessons were learned.”

I dealt with the aftermath of this as a police officer, and I’ve thought about their motives for 20 years. What causes someone to look at a crime-ridden tower block and choose the cold, wet concrete as their final resting place? What makes life so intolerable?

The best answer I can come up with, and one that applies to myself and my own suicidal feelings, is loss of hope.

. . .

It’s science

A study examined hopelessness as a predictor of suicidal ideation in depressed youth after medication treatment. It revealed that hopelessness was correlated to suicidal ideation over a six-week treatment period.

As an individual’s hopelessness increases, suicidal ideation is significantly higher. These findings mirror those from previous studies. For unknown reasons, women are more prone to hopelessness as a trigger than men.

. . .

Suicide and spoiling the view

The Golden Gate Bridge is no stranger to people losing hope. It’s a world-famous suicide hotspot. It’s so attractive to the desperate that authorities stopped announcing the death toll. People were competing for specific numbers like 500 or 1000. Some even went there to die wearing fancy dress costumes. Others drove past several bridges because only the Golden Gate would do.

The people in charge of the Golden Gate Bridge resisted putting a net up for years because they said it would spoil the view.

Do you know what spoils the view more than netting? Suicides.

Occasionally, we get to hear from the families of some of the victims. The one that stuck in my mind was an older man who’d been given a terminal diagnosis. He went to the bridge and stood around for a long time. To the average passerby, he looked like he was enjoying the view.

After a while, he climbs over the railing and jumps. His death was captured on video for a documentary. The cap he was wearing fell off mid-fall and glided down behind him. I found something poignant about that.

Again, hopelessness reared its ugly head.

. . .

He was paralyzed doing what he loved

Max Brito was a Rugby player on the Ivory Coast rugby team. He was paralyzed during the 1995 Rugby World Cup. Not much was heard from him until an interview in 2007. Even after all that time, he could only move his head, torso, and arm. He had tetraplegia for life.

The interview was an unhappy one. He said:

If there were hope for improvement, Brito would never have talked like this about suicide. No matter how hard the road ahead, he’d have kept fighting.

But his condition was hopeless. So what was the point?

. . .

My own story

I suffered from PTSD for 20 years due to my career as a police officer. In 2007, I was told I was 100% disabled for the rest of my life. You can’t get more hopeless and final than that.

Following that news and the loss of my identity and career, I sank into a depression. Every day for years, the pain was unbearable — physically and mentally. I tried over a dozen medications, and none of them worked. Each one required six weeks to see if there was an improvement, and then we had to start again. Over and over. I couldn’t sleep without nightmares, and I’d have flashbacks throughout the day.

Yet the thing that put me in a mental hospital and led me to the brink of suicide was hopelessness.

If I have hope for improvement, I can endure almost any pain. Improvement gives me something to work towards — the idea that one day will be better than this. It gives me a future and the luxury of hopes and dreams. I don’t die because, as bad as life is now, death would deprive me of a more pleasant life to come.

But depression robbed me of hope. I “knew” it would never get better. A top doctor from Harley Street had told me I was 100% disabled forever. I was still at the stage where I believed these people.

People say suicide is irrational in an attempt to deny that it might happen to them. Looking in from the outside, it does seem that way. But that’s because the people who judge us as irrational judge us from a position of hope. If I have no hope and know I will be in agonizing pain for the rest of my days, it would be irrational NOT to want to die.

. . .

Solutions

When I’ve felt hopeless and suicidal, there are things I was able to do to help myself.

The main thing I learned to do is focus on the present. The future is an idea, and the past is a memory. All we have is now. Most of the things I worry about never happen and even the bad things that happen aren’t helped by my worrying for months prior. Stoicism teaches us to focus only on what we can control—the present.

I also turn to my loved ones. I have the best mum and partner in the world and can tell them anything. Throughout my depression, I’d go on daily walks with my mum, and we’d discuss what I’d been feeling. She helped me see that my life isn’t hopeless and I have plenty to live for. One person you can trust is enough.

Once I got to a certain level, I resumed weight training. I’ve always been big, and my medication makes me eat like a horse. So I might as well be as strong as one, too. Now I can eat more and still be fit. I must stress that going to the gym isn’t an option when you are in the pits of despair. Even brushing your teeth is a herculean feat. However, working out becomes a great option as you use other strategies and find the right meds and therapy.

Writing has been my best form of therapy. It gives me a skill to work on, and sometimes, I help other people through my words. By using my previous suffering to help others, I ensure that I didn’t go through all that for nothing. I can get my thoughts out of my head and stop thinking about myself.

I try to avoid unhealthy triggers that drag me even further down into despair. The news can be too much. I surround myself with positive influences, and I’m kind to myself. I talk to myself like a best friend, and I never entertain the idea that my suffering is due to some character flaw.

Finally, you may need to seek professional help. You can even do this online from the comfort of your own home. If you decide to go down this route, I will get a small commission from the link above, and you can get 20% off by using code THERAPY20 at checkout. If you prefer another service or therapy in person, that’s also good. Just know that you don’t have to do this alone.

. . .

Conclusion

If you have a “why,” you can endure almost anything. The thought that things might one day get better is the most potent deterrent to acting on suicidal impulses. It’s a cliche, but it’s true:

Sometimes, all you must do is hold on through the bad times. When things go wrong, it’s easy to catastrophize and believe you can never be happy again.

If you’re finding life too much to bear, seek help. The slightest hint of light can protect you from the darkest days.

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This post was previously published on Black Bear.

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