I used to think that everything I told myself had to be true, that the stories I told myself (like that I was no good and I was damaged) were factual.
I was stuck in that way of thinking for many, many years. Eventually, I went through DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and was able to learn a number of ways to counter those negative and destructive thoughts. (You can read my previous post, “All About DBT,” here.)
One of the most important things I learned in my DBT group is this simple truth: A thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling.
In other words, thoughts and feelings cannot hurt you. Don’t believe me? Read on, my friend. I’ll do my best to explain.
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE HARMLESS IN AND OF THEMSELVES
If you think about it, we are flooded with thoughts and feelings all day, every day. And if we reacted to each one of them, it would probably drive us to drink.
Unless you’re naturally an optimist with a sunny disposition, you may be troubled by some of these thoughts and feelings – they tend to haunt those of us who tend toward depression.
“A thought is just a thought. A feeling is just a feeling. They cannot hurt you.”
Whenever Kim and Linda, the DBT facilitators, mentioned this, I would bristle with anger and frustration. After all, my brain had been telling me negative things all my life – and there I was, at age 48, depressed as always. Obviously, my feelings were killing me, slowly and painfully. Right?
I mean, I figured my brain knew what it was talking about, so why would I doubt it? After all, it knew me better than anyone.
But I was so wrong. It’s like my brain is a bad neighborhood and I shouldn’t go in there alone.
What I finally came to understand after almost six months of challenging Kim and Linda on this belief was that a thought or a feeling couldn’t “make” me do anything. They were not responsible for my behaviors.
I was.
I only thought they had control over me. You may, as well.
But you see, a thought is a momentary thing; it’s fleeting. It can pop into your brain and then pop right back out without your responding to it or acting on it. It lives in a vacuum.
On the other hand, if you ruminate (dwelling on a certain thought, usually negative), it can keep you down for days, weeks, months, even years.
For instance, my depression existed to some degree or another for approximately 35 years. So, it makes sense to me that I believed I would never not be depressed.
The thing is, that very thought is one of the reasons I remained depressed for so long. The human psyche is very complicated, more complex than we might think. And even though something may seem logical, that doesn’t necessarily make it true.
If I did not have major depressive disorder, a couple things would have probably been different for me: (1.) I probably wouldn’t have been ruminating in the first place, and (2.) I would have been able to see that my brain was lying to me and, therefore, avoided a lot of pain and suffering.
OUR ACTIONS (AND REACTIONS) DICTATE HOW WE FEEL
Okay, Warrior, hang on tight for this one. It might be the opposite of what you believe…
*clears throat*
DBT teaches, and I now believe, that how we react to stimuli affects how we feel. Let me say that in a little different way:
What we do determines how we feel, not the other way around.
In my previous life, I deeply, honestly, sincerely believed with all my heart that it was the opposite – that my feelings determined what I did. In fact, I consistently argued with a friend about this.
Let me give you an example.
If I was depressed (and I always was), I couldn’t do anything – like work, function at a high level, study, do yoga, anything substantial. I just “knew” I couldn’t, because I was too depressed. Therefore, I remained handcuffed by inaction, made very little progress, and felt like shit all the time.
But since I went through DBT and TMS, I have come to believe the opposite. Instead of my depression controlling me, I have learned how better to control my depression. I’m not perfect at it by any means, but I’m so much better at it now than I used to be.
I’m telling you, it IS possible, even if you choose not to believe me. See? Your reaction to that statement could be to blow it off and call bullshit on it. If that’s your attitude (and I wouldn’t blame you), you would likely remain stuck in your depression.
On the other hand, if your reaction is more like, “Hmm, I never thought of it like that before. Maybe she’s got a point…,” then you are more likely to open your mind to the possibility that you CAN have some control or influence or whatever you want to call it, over your depression.
In both cases, your reaction directly determines what you do (or don’t do) about it.
For those of us who have suffered from depression for a while, that’s really good news. I know that if I do yoga, I will feel good. If I go out and play tennis, I know I will be “in the moment,” as they say, and I will feel better physically and mentally. If I write a blog post or work on my next novel, I will feel like I’ve been productive, which is very important for my mental wellness.
See what I mean?
Rather than allowing myself to be swallowed by the web of lies I (still!) tell myself, I have learned to look at them with the belief that I can actually do something about it.
Do you know how much of a relief that is? It is, quite literally, life-changing!
IT TAKES PRACTICE
I am currently trying to practice what I preach. I’ve been looking for a long-term, part-time job for about a year now but haven’t found one that I’m both qualified for and that won’t overwhelm me. I’ve had several interviews, but that’s as far as it’s gone.
Now, I could get all negative about it and ruminate on the belief/thought that I’m just not employable, not worthy of being hired. And if I really thought that was true, I would stop looking.
But that hasn’t happened.
I’ve had periods where I take a week or two off, sure, but I continue to look for something suitable. I know it’s possible – and believe me when I say that that is a MAJOR change from how I used to think about working!
But as long as I keep looking for a job, I keep seeing ads that look promising and even, dare I say, interesting. That prompts me to fill out their online application, send my resume, and write a cover letter. And as long as I’m doing that, I feel like I’m making progress.
On the other hand, if I were just sitting around every day, I would feel depressed. How do I know that? Because I did exactly that, for a very long period of time. Actually, I would feel a lot of things: Guilty, ashamed, worried about my financial status (more than I already am), and I would avoid any discussions about work with everyone. And that means I would make myself scarce, which would only increase the feeling of isolation I struggle with, which would make me feel even more depressed!
Argghhhh! It’s mind-numbing!
But that’s not me anymore. Most days, I feel some degree of okay-ness – because I AM looking for a job; I AM writing; I AM going for a walk most days. I AM making progress.
PERSISTENCE IS KEY
I believe that things happen for a reason. Not being able to find a long-term position might mean it’s just not my time. If it’s supposed to happen, it will. It’s just a matter of time – and persistence.
And I am nothing if not persistent.
You are, too. That’s why you’re reading this post. It’s the reason you get out of bed in the morning and do things – anything, whatever it takes – to make it through another day.
Hey, you’ve made it this far; you must be doing something right. Right?
We must persevere. Otherwise, we suffer the consequences of a life rooted in shame, guilt, anger, frustration, depression, and who knows what else. And we all know that’s no way to live. You’ve had enough of that shit and so have I.
It’s time to double-down on our efforts, fellow Warrior. Whatever good things you’re trying to do right now, they will happen. They will happen when they’re supposed to happen. It may not be within your time frame, and you may not know how or when, but it will. So don’t give up.
You know what they say: Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans! LOL
You know what else they say? “Don’t give up before the miracle happens.”
As always, thank you for reading my humble blog post. And keep on keepin’ on. You *bleeping* rock!!
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Previously Published on depressionwarrior.com and is republished on Medium.
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