One of the things we all tend to hear about right away as we explore narcissism and narcissistic abuse is the classic pattern commonly known as “love bombing.” One person I know was flown to another city for dinner on the first date. Another was showered with flowers and expensive jewelry during the first six weeks of dating. And another was put so high up on a pedestal, as she puts it, “I was afraid to move.” He told her she was the most beautiful, perfect women he had ever seen, and she felt she had to live up to that at all times. “I used to set my alarm 15 minutes before he got up so I could run to the bathroom and put some make-up on. God forbid he saw me without!”
You get the picture — classic love-bombing is often over the top and intense, the stuff fairy tales and rom coms are made of. And this sort of attention sets the target up for a trauma bond, in that we have this initial wonderful treatment imprinted as what the relationship really “is.” Then when it inevitably falls off (no narcissist continues this sort of behavior indefinitely — it’s just a strategy to lure you in), we tend to a) hold the new, less kind treatment as an aberration, and b) move heaven and earth to try to get back to where we feel it “should be.”
Although love bombing is generally thought of a tactic used at the beginning of relationships to reel the target in, it’s also the tactic they us to get us back if we start to drift away, try to end things or actually leave the relationship. “Wait!” the narcissist thinks. “I want that fish after all, let me bait the hook with something I know works.”
So let’s take a look at some of the ways we get love bombed that may not be as obvious as trips to Paris and dozens of roses. Sometimes, the narcissist employs other, much more subtle strategies that are just as compelling and addictive, but which we may not recognize as easily as love bombing.
ONE: Subtle insinuation that this relationship is fated, meant to me, a soul mate connection, and so on. This is actually my own example. I met the X when I was in my mid-50s. At that stage of life, I was not particularly susceptible to or interested in over the top compliments, gifts, etc. He either sensed this or simply couldn’t be bothered to try harder. (He certainly didn’t have the money to sweep me off my feet anyway.) Instead, early on he would just slip in comments like being together felt so “obvious,” that this relationship was so synchronistic it must be “meant to be,” and on the second date that he wanted to “take care of me forever.” It was always done fairly casually without fanfare, and it really sucked me in and made me feel that I had finally found a good one.
As things got harder and I considered leaving, this sense that we were “fated” often gave me pause. Maybe this was just how it was with a soul mate. If he saw us this way, who was I to doubt the rightness of things? Who was I to give up?
TWO: Attention and interest. For those of us coming from neglectful families or neglectful previous relationships, someone simply tuning in to you and listening can feel like the best thing ever. In a healthy relationship, attention is a give and take and partners are naturally interested in each other. However, watch out, because while a narcissist will often start out being fascinated by you, this can be because a) they are love bombing by making you feel important and b) (even worse) they are storing up information to use against you later.
This is an easy one for the narcissist to quickly reactivate when need be. Typically, once the novelty of you has worn off (and it always does), they’ll withdraw attention and send it elsewhere to something or someone newer and therefor more interesting. But if you become distant, go on to do your own thing, or (god forbid) ignore them as well, you will find they amp up the attention. This might be positive, such as acknowledging they have been “busy” and offering to take you out. Or it could be negative, such as accusations, projections, or picking a fight. The narcissist actually doesn’t care that much. They just want to get you invested again and responding to them.
THREE: “Fauwareness.” That stands for Faux Awareness, a favorite strategy of the spiritual and communal narcissist. In the beginning, the narcissist presents themselves as very aware, even above it all, and “enlightened.” They say the right things, they exude a Buddha-like calm and acceptance, they seem unhookable and at peace. The target wonders how they ever got so lucky as to meet and be involved such a being! Wow! (This is a mask that slips fairly quickly, by the way, as life has its annoyances and narcissists more than most people have trouble emotionally regulating.) When things get difficult in the relationship, the narcissist may, after much processing and patient listening on your part, have an “insight” or “realization.” You as the target think, good, now we are getting somewhere. But no, sorry, you’re not. It’s only fauwareness.
How do you tell the difference between this and a real insight? Real insights and awareness drive real behavior change. Fauwareness is pretty much just to get you off their back and keep you hooked in. We tend to take this as evidence of their “true being,” and it can be both hopeful and captivating. But pretty much always with narcissists, you won’t see any lasting behavior change come out of it. Sorry to say, it’s a strategy to facilitate what they want.
Bottom line is, we can all be loved bombed without knowing it, and a clever narcissist will figure out just what you most crave. Is it gifts and experiences? Or the belief in soul mates and fate? Do you just love someone who shows interest in you? Or do you swoon over a person who seems to be spiritually aware? Whatever it is, you can bet the narcissist will figure it out and use it to get you and keep you.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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