I have something I need to say.
Please forgive me for all those times I made you wrong.
I was trying to be strong –
But I wasn’t.
I was scared
Bruised by the stares, cat-calls, groping, and affairs.
Abused by the messages I internalized.
Subdued by the views I despised.
Screwed by the assholes in disguise.
Pretty and meek,
Loved for my physique,
Better not speak my mind.
I hated you for the hurt that was mine to feel –
But the truth is that I could not deal
With painful rejection,
And unwelcomed erections.
And so I chose to blame…
And look at every single one of you as the same.
Stay the fuck away from me!
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…Because you set the bar for my worth.
My value rested in how I was perceived
And the way in which I was received by men.
So I played a game and it went like this –
“Come here…. Go away…. Come here… Go away.”
I am more than just tits and ass,
More than some object on which to make a pass!
But if a pass wasn’t made,
I questioned my worth…
Did I dissuade you in some unappealing way?
Please forgive me for this unconscious game –
From my continuous suspicion to my feeble submission.
For the position that I put you in –
Seeing you all as interchangeable pricks
Who only think and act with your uncontrollable ….
That is not true.
And this apology is way overdue…
Please forgive me for putting you all in the same box:
I’m sorry for every generalization
Resulting in relentless accusations.
A lack of responsibility on my part –
An unwillingness to feel into my broken heart.
I carried that weight,
Which turned to a perspective of hate,
And a perpetual state of distrust
Don’t trust men!
Any of them!
And it was easier to blame you than me
Making all of masculinity
I am sorry.