I have something I need to say.
—
Please forgive me for all those times I made you wrong.
I was trying to be strong –
But I wasn’t.
I was scared
And confused…
Bruised by the stares, cat-calls, groping, and affairs.
Abused by the messages I internalized.
Subdued by the views I despised.
Screwed by the assholes in disguise.
Objectified.
Pretty and meek,
Loved for my physique,
Better not speak my mind.
I hated you for the hurt that was mine to feel –
But the truth is that I could not deal
With painful rejection,
Unrequited connections,
Oppressive affection,
And unwelcomed erections.
And so I chose to blame…
And shame…
And look at every single one of you as the same.
Stay the fuck away from me!
But don’t go too far…
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free…Because you set the bar for my worth.
My value rested in how I was perceived
And the way in which I was received by men.
So I played a game and it went like this –
“Come here…. Go away…. Come here… Go away.”
I am more than just tits and ass,
More than some object on which to make a pass!
But if a pass wasn’t made,
I questioned my worth…
Did I dissuade you in some unappealing way?
Please forgive me for this unconscious game –
From my continuous suspicion to my feeble submission.
For the position that I put you in –
Seeing you all as interchangeable pricks
Who only think and act with your uncontrollable ….
No.
That is not true.
And this apology is way overdue…
Please forgive me for putting you all in the same box:
The cheaters
The beaters
The heartbreakers
And deceivers
I’m sorry for every generalization
Resulting in relentless accusations.
A lack of responsibility on my part –
An unwillingness to feel into my broken heart.
I carried that weight,
Which turned to a perspective of hate,
And a perpetual state of distrust
Don’t trust men!
Any of them!
And it was easier to blame you than me
Making all of masculinity
The culprit.
I am sorry.
◊♦◊
Photo: www.laurentlevyphotography.com
Jessica, The hurt, the objectification of yourself is both a male and a societal problem, excepting that women generally to not objectify each other as potential sexual object, generally. Men certainly objectify others of their gender (eg. jock/wimp, successful/failure, looker/ugly, white collar/blue collar), Objectifying is part of human nature, humans are very good (or at least they seem to think they are) at putting people in boxes that suit their purpose whether it be a sexual, economic, intellectual, racial, gender box. I am not mansplaining as various women have accused me, sexual objectification is just one in a series of… Read more »
I’ve shared this before and share again with you, Jessica: No words can express how important your piece’s acknowledgement is, most especially coming from a woman, for those of us more sensitive men whose natural, deep empathy can too-easily transmute to unearned guilt and shame via gender association alone. Amid what seems ceaseless suffering wrought world ’round by the various harms of men that I’ve internalized since boyhood, you simply have no idea how healing and freeing it is just feeling seen, or even seeable, as a being who lives in sincere service to human good, and ultimately, simply to… Read more »
And just like some women have a bad view of men, because of how certain men treated them, many men have a bad view of women, because of how certain women treated them in life.
I am one of those men
Coming from the mind of the other side, there is no need to apologize. We were raised and made to act in every way that you say is both a desire and burden. That cat call is never really for you, but for those near to hear and help us build the fragile sense of self. The majority of us mature and work every day to better ourselves and lay our heads down at night and say that our impact was positive. That same growth and knowledge reveals the flip side which is part of man that we obviously can’t… Read more »
Remember also that forgiveness is the path to true happiness, even if, or especially if the one being forgiven is yourself. Don’t forget that part. It is an important part, the epic ending of the story. End that book, start writing a new one from today on.
Thank you, brilliantly written and felt.
Wow, thank you.
Thank you Jessica this is a wonderful piece with your vulnerability . I will only speak for myself i have not been elected to speak for others i want to tell all woman i am sorry for the objectification and sexism of woman that i have taken part in and say i’m doing my soul work to treat woman as the beautiful treasures to humanity that you are.
Look at you, you can’t even comment on something written by a woman without hitting on her, bashing feminism, and telling her to google some MRA whining about a joke. You are the problem.
This feels a bit disingenuous, like a veiled angry rant wrapped in an apology. I’d rather women just own their anger. It’s about fucking time. We have a right to be angry that we’re still objectified every day, including in conscious circles, and still own that it’s challenging not to see all men as objectifiers. It’s like asking people of color to give every white person they meet the benefit of the doubt that they won’t be a racist, which they probably are on some level. Why should the burden be placed on the person of color to embrace white… Read more »
Life is so incredibly short for you to think that half of the people in this world need to make ammends for 5,000 years of nature. Surround yourself with people that support you and love you. Look at those people and truly ask yourself if you think that every man should be held responsible for a need to procreate. MOTHER nature creates that beautiful desire that has left scars on all of us. You only have a few minutes in this amazing place and spending all of it trying to get people to make up for every wrong that exists… Read more »
“Neat, I guess? I don’t really care about this, what does this have to do with empowering men?” __________________ Interesting question. I’ve thought about this a bit. It empowers men by helping us to understand women. It is that lack of understanding, quick judgements, failure to see the teaching that is that the root of so many guy’s failures with women. Rather than learn, expand, grab the tools that will afford them a chance, they reject it as something that is not beneficial to them, then go about the business of blaming women for their failures. I see it all… Read more »
Wow and bravo. Vulnerability and strength all rolled into one great poem.
So beautifully written Jessica. Your words…honesty…and growth are inspiring. Very very impressive.
The curse of the beautiful woman; how she is treated outwardly, how it damages her inwardly. I’ve seen this result far too often. A great deal of men could also learn from this, to realize that anger, frustration truly are self defeating prophecies. They could ask themselves if they could write something so honest and deep; can they refrain from such generalizations, as it is tempting to do. They could understand that damage done to women by the type of man mentioned and resolve to teach and hold such men to account so that we do not read such writing… Read more »
Sorry to say that I can’t stand long apologies or entering movies that already started. And, that must absolute that I’m the young and unwise generation and ultimately needs guidance than mistaken opportunity.
This is great, a must-read for women I think, and men too can take the same lesson and apply where needed.
“Did I dissuade you in some unappealing way?”
I think quite a few men are dissuaded from approaching women and asking them out, for fear they will upset, creep them out, make them feel objectified by accident without any intention of doing so. Probably an irrational fear but there have been oodlez of articles that have reinforced the fear of creeping someone out, so quite a few men have given up on approaching women.
And we’ve all experienced or heard stories of women taking it very, very, poorly. The easiest place to meet and get to know women is at work. It’s also the most dangerous place to ask them out even if completely platonic.
Thanks so much for your honesty and vulnerability Jessica. As a man, I apologise for all the objectification and sexism we have inflicted on women. It is wrong of us to do that and you deserve so much better.
Jessica, I appreciate your honesty and authenticity expressed in your poetry. The courage it takes to accept responsibility for your inner experience instead of projecting that energy upon others is huge. It is what everyone on this Planet, regardless of their gender or gender identity, must do for all of us to find peace within ourselves and in our relations with others. As you might know as a professional mental health practitioner, our individual and collective consciousness is still very early in its development and maturity but one thing we each must do to help the project along is to… Read more »
Neat, I guess? I don’t really care about this, what does this have to do with empowering men?
That’s very good – and a very conscious rejection of what feminism has descended into. Your’re someone I would actually become friends with – whether it stayed platonic or turned romantic.
Google “I bathe in male tears” to see what you used to be, and (happily) have renounced,