Have you ever heard of the term “touch starvation?” It’s the idea that a lack of physical affection can have negative psychological effects. People who experience touch starvation have higher levels of stress. It also leads to depression, aggression and rage.
I think that most men in our (western) society are touch starved, and that’s why most of us are completely obsessed with sex. We’ve been taught that sex is the only way to express or receive affection without being weak or gay.
You remember the food pyramid, right? Most of your calories need to come from grains. Then vegetables should be your next biggest portion, and then meat. Let’s say that most of your affection needs to come from friendly contact. Next you need playful touch, like wrestling. After that you need sex. Most men are trying to get all of their affection “calories” from “meat.”
No matter how much sex you have though (and you’ll almost never have enough) it won’t meet all your needs. Meat will never give you all the fiber you need. Sex will never give you all of the validation you need. Whether it’s from your spouse or from a friend, you need certain messages. A hug says “You’re not alone. I have your back. You can relax.” You need that from more than one person.
The solution is easy: hug more of your guy friends man. Lean in. Linger. Really show each other that you’re brothers. Come on. I know some of you used to lay across your brothers stomachs or laps when you were kids. Why did we stop that? Because we were told that that made us weak and gay.
Ah. That brings us to the next question. How do we change the culture that teaches us to bottle up our platonic affection?
It’s easier than you think: Just do it and look at anyone who questions you like they’re a fool. Just imagine you were hugging your girlfriend and some guy scoffed at you, claiming that you were gay for hugging your girlfriend. Exactly the way you’d look at him, you look at the fool who calls you out for hugging your guy friends.
There’s an upside to male privilege while it lasts: we can use it against itself. We’re the ones who decide what goes and what doesn’t. Men are in charge. That means that we can decide, one or two at a time, that what didn’t used to go, goes. That means that we can choose not to be in charge. Instead, we can be together.
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