Trauma: Interpersonal Trauma and Your Current Relationship

Recently a male friend consulted me about his relationship with his wife. His wife’s behaviour left him confused and frustrated. He was desperate to save his marriage however is at his wit’s end. We talked a little about their marriage and a little about her past relationship. Safe to say, she had problematic relationships most of her life. In our conversations my friend repeatedly use the phrase “PTSD” and “childhood trauma. He shared that he could not comprehend how her experiences were “traumatic.” This conversation was the inspiration behind today’s post.

What exactly is trauma?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) classify trauma by its different causes and symptoms. The most talked about trauma, PTSD, has a strict classification; the first criterion is the person was exposed to death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence. Does that mean that people who do not meet this criterion do not have PTSD then?

Likely yes, but it does not mean that they haven’t lived through a traumatic experience or experience trauma. Trauma presents as a psychological, or emotional response, after damage or injury to the psyche after living through an extremely frightening or distressing event and may result in challenges in functioning or coping normally after the event. In other words, we would all have experienced some level of trauma in our life.

Traumatic experiences shape us

Think about the time you were cheated on by your ex-partner, how did you react in your new relationship? Interpersonal trauma damages a person’s self-esteem, self-image, and ability to create lasting, meaningful, and sustainable connections with others. People with relational trauma find successful relationships elusive because of mistrust, fear of intimacy, and overall insecurity which acts as a defense mechanism to keep themselves safe.

I often think about my experiences with my previous partner and how he shaped my interaction with my partner (poor soul). I had a hard time trusting my partner’s word even though he never once betrayed my trust. Furthermore, I was paranoid about his previous relationships. I even scared myself into believing his previous partner was stalking me intending to harm me. How did my perception become so skewed? Perhaps, it was the negative experience I had with my previous partner; the constant ghosting, gaslighting, and love bombing, the repeated episodes of cheating, being harassed by his love interest during my convocation, and his going rogue when I reached out for assistance. This repeated cycle of abuse left a long-lasting and very much negative impact on my future relationship.

Interpersonal trauma stems from emotional and psychological injuries from past relationships, the interpersonal element makes relational trauma unique. Some researchers defined interpersonal trauma as a rupture in a relationship bond when one’s trust in a close other is damaged through abandonment, neglect, or bullying, followed by extreme loss and distrust in the individual. If trauma has occurred within a relationship it can be particularly difficult to relate comfortably in close relationships. In these circumstances, trust has been betrayed, an intimate connection has been lost, and an expected support system is instead dangerous. A fear that others are not trustworthy and an inability to find safety may result. Developing closeness may be confusing, frightening, tentative, or avoided entirely. Interpersonal trauma correlates with dysfunctional relational functioning in future relationships.

In my case, I could not form a secure bond with my new partner despite his best effort to provide assurance and comfort. I was waiting for the moment he would let me down, ghost me, gaslight me. I was hypervigilant about his shift in mood, assuming his quietness was anger towards something I did or did not do. Any disengagement is a sign that he was cheating, that he would abandon me soon. These were symptoms of an unhealthy relationship.

Healing from interpersonal trauma requires consistent effort to rewrite your own narratives. It requires self-validation, self-care, and self-kindness. After leaving a toxic relationship, it can be a helpful exercise to take note of the things you no longer will tolerate moving forward. You can overcome these traumatic experiences by prioritising yourself, taking care of your own needs, noticing and accepting your feelings without judgment. Learn to notice when you critique yourself harshly or compare yourself to others and replace them with compassionate and encouraging words. Self-validation also includes activities such as journaling your feelings, celebrating your accomplishments, resting when you’re tired or eating when you’re hungry, and giving yourself a treat not because you earned it, but because you care about yourself. Understand and remind yourself that the road to recovery isn’t always a straight line and as you practice self-love, remember to have patience with yourself.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***