While some people might prefer to live in uncertainty, to me, there’s nothing more dangerous. Don’t we all want to know where we’re at with someone? As a matter of fact, all stable relationships in my life are built on certainty.
What I mean by this is that I want the people in my life to be wholeheartedly supportive, honest, and accepting of me. I don’t want to spend my time asking myself if my best friend will still be my best friend tomorrow. If I weren’t absolutely sure of this, then where is the point of looking at this person as a best friend? Basically, I want my friends in my corner, and therefore, I make sure to openly discuss things that aren’t working out great in my life with them. To me, it’s all about sharing the highs and lows of life with people who love me for who I am. The same goes for my love life.
Actually, this is backed up by several studies. They have shown that when it comes to dating and love, it’s important that we radiate security to our partners. In addition, when we’re unsure whether we want to pursue a relationship with a prospective romantic partner, we’re less sexually appealing to them. Why? It’s a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt.
When we’re not sure about someone’s intentions, we tend to keep a safe distance from them.
We build walls to protect ourselves from rejection or because we don’t know where we stand with someone we love. Obviously, this has a deep and negative impact on all our relationships. However, how does uncertainty impact love relationships specifically?
Uncertainty and its effect on personal well-being
To find out how uncertainty manifests itself in an established relationship, it’s worth looking at a relationship that has passed the first infatuation phase. This is because when we’re newly in love, we pay much less attention to how our partner feels. After all, we’re preoccupied with our newly found personal happiness. Furthermore, we tend to project our longings and desires onto the new, exciting person in our lives.
Therefore, after the “love rush” wears off, we’re more likely to see things for how they are — basically, we’re in for a reality check. And with this reality check comes a phase of disillusionment, in which this veneer of assurance begins to crumble. We grow more hesitant and question if it is still worthwhile to prolong a connection and if the partnership is not, after all, founded on a solid basis. It’s difficult to be uncertain about the future of a relationship. As a result, we all want to know where the relationship is headed.
All of this is not inherently bad or something to be worried about. Actually, everybody falls out of love to reassess the relationship, and ideally, fall back into love. However, at what point is uncertainty a red flag?
Although uncertainty may mask truths, we don’t want to acknowledge, more often than not, uncertainty manifesting through personal projections proves much more fateful. This is why Steven Stosny, Ph.D., comes to the conclusion that “with the exception of anger and resentment, no emotional experience has more illusion of certainty than love. The need to feel certain is at least part of the reason we come to resent the most the people we loved the most”.
Insecurities cloud our perception of love
Doubting the relationship based on personal insecurities can cause further anxiety, restlessness, and dissatisfaction. If we don’t know how people feel, chances are that we start to get more insecure about our place in the world.
We need to know how people feel about us.
One of the pitfalls of love is the illusion of certainty — blinded by love, it can cloud our perception of how we feel towards someone and cover up how someone might feel about us. If we don’t want to face the reality of a relationship and assess it honestly from time to time, we can start to resent the person we love the most. Dealing with uncertainty and our personal insecurities is always a balancing act. Not worrying about the people we love can lead to alienation from the people we love. But, on the other hand, worrying too much can further feed into existing personal anxieties, thus further deepening personal dissatisfaction.
To escape this vicious cycle, I decided to be aware of myself and repeatedly demonstrate to my boyfriend that I am committed to the relationship. Today, I try to be as sensitive as possible to his vulnerabilities. In addition, I try to demonstrate this to him through small gestures of respect, concern, tolerance, and sympathy.
Only a partner that supports us and is by our side through the ups and downs of life makes us understand the true value of a relationship: Isn’t it all about having someone by our side who accompanies us through happiness and turmoil, someone who, although we are flawed and make mistakes, remains by our side, and through it, all helps us to realize who we are as a person by loving, supporting and appreciating us regardless.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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