Use the Anger — Then Leave It Behind

There is a positive utility in anger. It gets a reaction. Often, it motivates us to move out of complacency and into the rest of our lives. Yet, so many people get stuck in their anger. They take up residence there and make a home from it. Instead of using it to motivate them, they use it to justify their mindset, their attitude, and everything that ever goes wrong with their lives.

Hello to waving red flags for all to see. Goodbye to the potential progress that could have been made from the motivation that anger sometimes brings with it. There’s nothing wrong with anger, but we aren’t meant to make being angry our defining characteristic either.

I spent a lot of time being angry. While there was never a written list, I certainly had a running list in my head of the people who had fallen out of favor with me over the years. I may not have dwelled on it on a daily basis, but the anger would come out like a whip if certain topics came up. I was peaceful — until the tripwire activated the anger beneath the surface.

And there was so much anger living there.

Since I’ve been doing deep inner work on my trauma, I’ve unsettled the anger that once lived beneath the surface. I’ve shifted it, processed it, and let so much of it go that it’s sometimes unbelievable just how much lighter I feel. I don’t have to get angry about a painful past or broken relationships if I don’t choose to. I can accept the reality but make peace with it.

Here’s the truth of the matter: We can’t make peace with any relationship when we still tell ourselves a story that centers around our victimhood. We can’t make peace with any relationship when we’re casting someone as the villain without context or consideration. As long as we’re labeling people as selfish or narcissists, we don’t have to recognize their flawed humanity — or acknowledge our own.

Oftentimes, we don’t even want peace. We’d rather hold onto that sense of righteous indignation. But there’s something about processing our trauma and truly healing it that helps us shift away from that mindset in significant ways.

I was speaking to someone who once stole from me — and was verbally abusive, too — when it hit me: I was no longer angry. I wasn’t filled with love or an overwhelming generosity of spirit; I just accepted the facts. This happened. It was a part of my life. It’s over now. I’m entitled to have any feeling I want about it — even anger — but I get to choose what I’ll nurture.

The conversation was brief, but it didn’t cause anger to rise to the surface the way it once would have. It wasn’t a feeling as cool as indifference, and it wasn’t as strong as forgiveness. It was somewhere in the middle — an accepting, even a softening of the anger that once motivated me to leave and to love myself better. I don’t need that anger anymore.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to renew a relationship or forgive the debt. It does mean that it doesn’t have power over me anymore. It means that I can focus my energy on something more productive than anger — like building a future made up of stronger boundaries and more loving relationships.

I’m sure the anger will come back for a visit, but I’m learning that I don’t have to let it take up residence. It can move through me and then out of me, serving the purpose of feeling my feelings without becoming them. I’m not rewriting the past, but I am choosing not to let those old narratives become my future.

Whether this is growth or newfound maturity or a bit of both, I am leaning into this softening. In fact, I found myself thinking back to a friendship lost long ago — one that broke my heart for years before I finally laid it to rest. I was able to think about it and feel peace rather than hurt or anger. For many formative years of my life, I had a person I loved and trusted more than any other, and that was a gift. The fact that I didn’t get to keep it didn’t make it any less of a gift.

I feel the softening in other areas, too. I’m not renewing unhealthy relationships, but I am acknowledging that I don’t have to be angry to grow. I don’t have to nurse a grudge to move on. Sometimes, we don’t need the anger. We just need to love ourselves enough to let that become the new motivation. If there’s an emotion we need to lean into, it’s passionate, all-consuming self-love.

Self-love can be even more motivating than anger. It can inspire us to change our lives, to live our dreams, and to take big risks that lead to even bigger rewards. Self-love can steer us away from toxicity and into environments where we find safety and a sense of belonging. Anger may light the fire that gets us moving, but self-love is an eternal flame if we choose to nurture it.

Every day of my life, I find myself caring less about what other people think, but I find I’m paying more attention to what I think, need, and feel. I’m honoring my soul on this journey by allowing the healing of the trauma to shift me to a new level, one that has more perspective and less anger. I know I have a long way to go, but I also know that we get to choose whether we’ll hold onto anger or let it go when we don’t need it any longer.

I’m nurturing self-love and holding space for those moments when anger flares in me. I could choose the anger, but I’m choosing the love instead. I’ve had plenty of anger over my lifetime. What we could all use is a little more love.

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Previously Published on medium

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