We Need to Talk

Everyone hates these words. We all know what they mean 99% of the time. But does it always mean the dreaded “it’s over,” conversation?

Not always. Sometimes, we genuinely need to talk. However, this sentence can kick rocks. But more importantly, why say it when you know you aren’t ending things? Why not resort to another version of this? One less daunting.

Like, “Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

This makes me feel like it’s less a me problem and you really have something you need to discuss? Now, my heart will still sink to my butt. But this time, I won’t think Oh, he’s probably breaking up with me.

Or even, “there’s been something on my mind. Do you have a few minutes?”

I know you’ve been thinking, I know you need to speak with me. But also, heart not in butt. I will still have a general anxiety about what it is that’s been on your mind. But it’s much nicer than We need to talk.

In this case, we really did need to talk.

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Mental health and well-being is most important to me (and my therapist) and because of this; anytime someone tells me that they are struggling mentally, I take it super seriously. It’s already hard enough to admit that there is a mental hurdle, but to admit it and to be transparent about how it’s affecting you? This is a big deal.

New boyfriend hit me with the “We need to talk.” text a few weeks ago and then got sidetracked with a problem at work and didn’t have phone access for a few hours. Needless to say I freaked out. And that is an understatement. I completely lost my marbles. Resorted back to behavior I haven’t seen since ex-husband-to-be. Calling incessantly, sending multiple texts in a row, using his first name in very upset voice notes.

When he got back to his phone, and said I’ll call you in a few, I knew I was indeed the problem and our relationship was over.

Except it wasn’t. He just needed some space to focus on an untimely depression state and get some things in order before he can fully commit to me. Cool, here is the word commit, so what’s going on?

I’m not breaking up with you. But I can’t focus on you right now. I have to be selfish and focus on my mental health right now. Of course I’ll check in with you every few days, but some things I just have to do alone and my time with you is going to have to slow down a bit.

That’s it?! I literally gasped of relief, and rolled my eyes from annoyance at the same time.

As a non-married, new couple. We are allowed to take breaks from one another to focus on life things. We are not obligated to spend all of our time and mental resources on each other. The only necessary ingredient for success is communication, which is what he did.

So did we need to talk? Yes. But did he need to be dramatic? Not at all.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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