What Does a Good First Date Look Like?

When smartphones became popularised, they revolutionised how we communicated with each other. With their launch came social media platforms and a whole host of apps that allowed us to share our stories with the world.

But the changes came with a twist. The rise of dating apps meant that now, people could meet anyone anywhere and anytime. The trouble was, there was no way of knowing who the person on the other side was. Did they look like their pictures? Were they the same in real life as they were over text?

Although we’ve changed how we communicate, there is one thing that hasn’t changed, and that’s the way we date.

To be precise, it’s dating a person for the first time. Traditional methods of meeting dates are becoming rare, and so are traditional ways of doing the first date. A coffee date in the 1960s would’ve been a very different experience from a coffee date today. There would be no illusions, no texting games and no way to hide who you were as a person.

Not knowing much about a person can be a frightening experience for many. But what’s all this got to do with first dates and coffee anyway? And why do they no longer work as they once did?

Why First Dates with Drinks Are No Longer Effective

Whether you’re meeting someone during the day for coffee or at night in a bar, there are a couple of issues that immediately crop up. First of all, you’re forced to engage in a conversation, no matter how uncomfortable you are.

Some people take time to open up and need a distraction. That can be something as simple as walking or looking at an interesting object like a piece of art. But when you meet for drinks, you’re sitting directly next to them, and there is no distraction. For anyone who’s nervous, it can leave a bad impression, even if that’s far removed from how they usually are.

And it isn’t just nerves that create awkward moments. When people meet for coffee, what do they talk about? Obviously, it’s very easy if you’ve met several times before, but how do you even start a conversation? For some, it comes naturally, but for others, it can be a real challenge.

Coffee places and bars have nothing to prompt you. Well, unless you’re in a particularly fancy one where there are interesting signs and features to point out, but for the majority of people meeting at these venues, it boils down to the usual what do you do and how you are as a person.

This can very quickly become dry for anyone who’s gone on several first dates. Unless you’re amazing at telling jokes and stories, ditch the bar and coffee shop and find a better place.

It Doesn’t Make Dating Fun

A good first date should be something memorable, something that can be spoken about and something that makes you laugh when you think back on it.

What funny or weird conversation topics come up in a coffee place? Sure, you could initiate them, but you might be afraid and play it safe in case you come across as being too weird. What if they’re feeling the same and don’t want to say anything for the same reason?

All this achieves is slowing down in discovering each other’s true selves. The conversation can be fun, but that’s all there is to it. The environment needs to be fun too, and for most people, a coffee shop just isn’t it.

So what does make for a good first date? Well, you need to find out what you have in common and create an experience that you’ll naturally enjoy. Unless you’re both total coffee connoisseurs, it’s best to leave this one out for the first date.

My First Date

When I first met my partner, one of the things that we immediately bonded on was our love of history. We were both passionate about Rome and its crazy emperors, their elaborate lives and the exotic foods they ate.

So when we learned that there was a Nero exhibition taking place at the British Museum, we decided to go together. I still remember meeting her by the escalators just inside Tottenham Court Road Station. She had arrived a little late and apologised profusely, but after giving her a warm hug, she suddenly went quiet and became almost meek.

She was by no means a shy person, but on the way to the British Museum, I told her stories about my travels and all the places I had planned to visit next. The walking helped as she didn’t feel obligated to say much, and it allowed me to show her who I was as a person.

When we finally arrived, I think she had only said a few sentences. But that didn’t bother me as we were here for an activity that hadn’t even started. Although her shyness had begun to fade, it was still very much there.

But when we entered the exhibition and made our way around, things started to change. We were in full conversation, discussing how amazing it must’ve been to live 2,000 years ago and whether Nero was a demented person or not.

I even snuck in a little joke when a tablet had the inscription ‘the young noble showed lots of potential’ and pointed out that it must’ve referred to her. She gave me a sly smile that told me she was no longer uncomfortable. She could be herself.

As we continued to walk through the room, the conversation started to flow effortlessly, and we began to joke about what it would be like if I were Nero. When we saw another tablet that said ‘what would you do as emperor?’ that sparked an entirely new moment for us.

For the next twenty minutes, we imagined a scenario where we were both emperor and empress, how I would rule justly, while she would gather the gossip from the noble ladies. We’d talk about the palaces we’d have and how we would decorate them, and that’s when we realised something else that was similar — we had the same sense of style.

Surprisingly, the shy, docile lady I had met just over an hour ago was now an energetic empress that knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it. I was attracted to her, and she was attracted to me, but of course, neither of us would tell each other that. I only knew because we reflected on it months later.

We did actually end up going for coffee afterwards, but by then, there was no awkwardness, and we were able to communicate as though we had known each other for years.

But what made that first date so special, and why were we able to reach such a comfort level that neither of us had ever expected to happen so soon?

We Both Enjoyed Ourselves

Because we both loved history, it didn’t matter whether or not we spoke at the exhibition. It was just lovely to have some company, which allowed us to relax and be ourselves.

We didn’t have to awkwardly sit there and pretend to be someone we weren’t. We were both nerdy and could be our whole selves. Well, almost anyway. It was the first date after all!

But no matter what first date you pick, you have to make sure that both parties enjoy themselves. And one of the best ways to ensure that is to do an activity you both adore.

For example, if you and your date are very outdoorsy, why not go for a hike? It doesn’t matter if one of you is shy, as you’d be able to bond over your shared love of hiking.

Or, if you’re both passionate about food, why not go to a restaurant and try a food tasting menu? It’s fun, and you can compare what you liked with each other. You would’ve enjoyed it if you went alone, so why not go with someone who shares that passion as well? And as a bonus, these types of activities usually come with a discount if two people go, so you’re saving money too!

Whatever the outcome, at least you’ll walk away feeling good. When it’s just meeting for drinks, the entire basis of whether it’s a good first date or not is whether the conversation is good and if there’s a spark. But that adds too much pressure, and you’ll run the risk of being someone you’re not.

Try to find common ground. If it’s an activity you’d both enjoy doing alone, why not do it together? Even if the first date doesn’t go as you expect, you might just find yourself with a new friend.

When people talk about what makes for a good first date, you often see advice on how to initiate a conversation or how to dress well. But why does no one talk about where to go on a first date? Why have bars, cafes and restaurants become the norm when meeting someone for the first time?

It’s time to break the trend, just as we’ve broken the communication trend with smartphones. Surprise your date by being different from the average person.

And don’t be afraid if it doesn’t work out. Wouldn’t you have preferred to spend that evening doing something fun and then walking away as opposed to going to a mediocre restaurant that you never would’ve gone to in the first place?

You’ll never know unless you try. And at the end of the day, what do you have to lose?
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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