What Is Trauma?

In this blog, I write a lot about the trauma of narcissistic abuse, but what does this really mean? Among professionals there is a concern that the word trauma is being used too broadly these days, sometimes simply describing something that is distressing or even uncomfortable. True trauma is so much more than that. It is an overwhelm to the person’s system that has serious implications for functioning in life.

Here are a couple of definitions that I use for trauma and relational trauma:

In general, trauma occurs when a person is overwhelmed by events or circumstances and responds with intense fear, horror, and helplessness. Extreme stress overwhelms the person’s capacity to cope. There is a direct correlation between trauma and physical health conditions such as diabetes, COPD, heart disease, cancer, and high blood pressure. (From The National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare.)

Relational trauma is an aftereffect of abuse, neglect, and suffering. Those whose are betrayed by people they loved, trusted, or relied on may encounter enormous mental and behavioral health challenges, as they attempt to forge interpersonal connections and cope with life’s many challenges. (from BrightQuest Treatment Centers.)

In other words, while it may be annoying or even upsetting, it’s generally not traumatizing that you got some negative feedback, a poor score on a test, or that your fast food meal was cold.

That having been said, I do think that the idea of a “trigger warning” has validity. If you’ve been through a traumatizing event and/or a period of relational trauma, watching depictions of something similar, or hearing someone talk about it can reactivate your sensitive nervous system. A head’s up before you choose to watch or listen is simply kind, and self-care may mean removing yourself from a conversation or not watching that particular Lifetime movie. Reminders of what happened to you can be re-traumatizing, even though it’s not actually the fault of the movie or conversation. This is a bit of a marker of where you are in your own healing, and that is just fine.

As we heal from the trauma and our systems recalibrate (see Letting the Snow Globe Settle for more on this), we may find that we have more tolerance for some conversations and depictions of things that were traumatizing to us. (To be honest, for about two solid years after I left the abusive narcissist I was living with, I couldn’t even say his name without a notable uptick in my stress levels. But at this point, I can, and that feels like a healthy indication that I have moved on in my own healing.)

And so, let’s use the word trauma for real trauma, and say things like upsetting, uncomfortable and distressing for those things that fall short. This honors the experience of those who have truly been traumatized, and also tells our own systems how to “be” with what is going on. Is it really traumatizing? Then we may need some professional help. Is it just upsetting? Maybe a good conversation with a friend will be enough to help us process.

—

This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything