When Julie Scagell remarried, she knew blending her family would be an adjustment. It turns out, she didn’t need to worry.
This man of mine. We met when I was coming out of a painful divorce. At the time, I had two children, ages three and five. I wasn’t sure what to expect from him; I’d given up on expectations with so many left unfulfilled. We dated long distance for a year. He would visit often and I introduced him as my friend. My kids were cautiously optimistic. He was a new playmate, an experiment for them. Their father and I, though divorcing each other, were fiercely committed to raising our children together. We lived in the same neighborhood. We shared custody, parenting rules, and the pain of watching our children adjust to a new life. One they did not choose.
We were all testing him, waiting for him to falter, to grow tired of the children’s constant needs—these children who were not his own flesh and blood.
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This man of mine. He kept showing up. He got to know my kids on their terms. He took his time. One step forward, two steps back. His patience was unnerving. I watched him gain their trust. He never overstepped boundaries unintentionally set by their father. We were all testing him, waiting for him to falter, to grow tired of the children’s constant needs—these children who were not his own flesh and blood.
♦◊♦
After six months, I left on a day trip for work, the first time he was to be alone with them. I called immediately when my flight landed. No answer. Panic set in. Did he forget to pick them up from school? Did I tell him grapes needed to be cut in two? Oh God, they must be at the emergency room. As I raced home, he called.
“Where WERE you?” I snapped.
“Sorry, we were outside with their Dad having a lemonade stand.”
Once the kids had their stand ready, they told him their Dad really liked lemonade. Could he call and invite him over? And, so he did. Two people, thrown together, showing these kids what a good man and a good father look like.
This man of mine. He moved for us. He asked us to marry him. He saw firsthand how hard it is to raise a child. He wanted in anyway, not in spite of it all, but because of it. He wanted the mess, and the effort, and the chaos. We married in front of a close group of friends, our children standing beside us. We had a child a year later. A little boy, a brother delivered to two anxiously awaiting siblings.
This man of mine. He disciplines with a gentle heart. He teaches them manners and respect. He can get our thoughtful, serious daughter to belly laugh on command. He has never, ever treated them differently from his own son. Not once. We are a united front with their father and his wife. He has never crossed the invisible line set for him all those years ago. Watching our families raise these children together makes me believe in a higher power. Somehow, after all of the pain and sadness of those early days, things are exactly as they should be.
♦◊♦
That’s the thing about being a father, it’s not about genetics. It’s about showing up every single day, and making sure they know you love them.
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This father of theirs. He is a naturally generous with his time and affection. When our kids are upset, he is the person they go to. He is the glue that binds our family together. He will never know how grateful I am that he opted into our life, that he chose us over a simpler, quieter existence. That’s the thing about being a father, it’s not about genetics. It’s about showing up every single day, and making sure they know you love them.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
A version of this article was originally published on anothermotherblog as What it Means to Be a Good Father
Every human being deserves love and respect. It’s every human being’s birthright! It doesn’t have to be “proven” or “earned.” It’s unconditional. The sooner we learn this, receive it, and experience it … the healthier and happier we are. It should be learned in childhood and those who teach this to a child are the ‘real’ parents. Since “it takes a village,” we must ALL be our children’s teachers. For those of us, for one unfortunate reason or another, who didn’t learn this and feel unloved and unrespected … “adult education” is needed, and needed badly. No human being should… Read more »
“He wanted in anyway, not in spite of it all, but because of it. He wanted the mess, and the effort, and the chaos.”
Of course. That’s what a “real man” wants! (Desperately, as a matter of fact.)