What Path Do You Want for Your Divorce Journey?

2025 is here, and I’m scared.

Scared in a good way.

I’ve decided to prioritise my business over my consistent income this year. I want to go all in and realise my dream of having a full-time coaching practice.

I’d love to tell you all that I hit the ground running and feel great about what I’ve achieved so far, but I haven’t been able to fire up on some things I thought I would have done by now.

That’s ok. I’m being easy on myself as I know from past experience that if I start to tell myself I’m lazy, unproductive and unmotivated, it makes it worse, and I find it even harder to get going. It puts me in a frozen state.

My motivation comes back faster if I talk to myself like I would a good friend.

I notice that when the sun is shining and I have time off, the things I want to get done are more physical than cerebral. So, sitting down to write or create a social media post is not as enticing as spending time outdoors.

It’s like my body needs to be moving during this time of the year. So, I’m doing a lot more home maintenance and gardening at the moment.

Believe it or not, gardening and divorce have a lot in common.

This week, I finally tackled a large pot that needed repotting. It was quite a big job and took a while. While I worked, I noticed that it reminded me of the healing we do after divorce.

This plant had been in the pot far too long and was like concrete. The roots had completely wound around themselves and atrophied. I thought I might not even have the strength or stamina to get it out, but I was in the mood to try.

I had to soften it with water to work it out slowly in stages with my spade, gently lifting it up from the sides over and over. The roots were so deep and compacted that the entire pot was full of hardened roots from bottom to top.

Eventually, it began to give, and I could lift it out bit by bit until, finally, the whole thing came away. The pot was finally empty and ready for new soil and another plant.

It’s very similar to the healing process that comes after the end of a significant relationship.

Gradual detachment protects us from shock

When we first get divorced, we don’t realise how much pain is buried within us. The years of disconnection and the deep knowing that our relationships are unhealthy and no longer sustainable get pushed down as a coping mechanism.

Roots that have taken hold for years and years now have to detach, and the pain can feel unbearable.

Just as the plant couldn’t be pulled out immediately, neither can all of our grief after divorce.

We need time to allow small realisations to occur and then to absorb the shock of those realisations before we dig a little deeper into the next one.

It took me six years before I was truly able to let go of the last roots that I had deep inside me.

This is why we can feel so bad two or three years down the track after the physical separation from our spouses.

It’s not that we haven’t made progress in that time. We’ve needed to be gentle with ourselves so we don’t go into shock.

Divorce is grief. So, to do it all at once would be far too painful. We need to recover in steps.

The paradox of fearing possibility

The beautiful part of this metaphor is the empty pot at the end. Initially, that emptiness may feel scary and too vast for us to cope with, but the reality is that you now have space to rebuild a healthier, more authentic life.

You get to choose what you would like to cultivate in your new pot. That can help turn the fear into excitement.

What type of soil are you going to use? Soil nourishes the plant. What do you want to put down for your life soil? Friendships, relationships, career, purpose, self-care.

These are your new foundations. 💫

What type of seeds are you going to plant? What will you see yourself doing if you are working towards rebuilding a life that is successful for you? (Success can only be defined by us, not anyone else!)

These are your new actions. 💫

How much sun and water will you give your plant? For a plant to thrive, it has to have a lot of sun and water. What will be your ‘sun and water’ as you rebuild your post-divorce life?

These are your new beliefs and self-talk. 💫

When I think back to the end of my marriage and the mental space I was in, I see huge similarities between myself and the plant that had no more room to breathe and grow.

When I compare it to my life today, I see a thriving, vibrant plant with loads of space to grow and plenty of what it needs to produce colourful flowers.

I’ve always been a person who loves to put life’s experiences into metaphors. This one hit home for me, and I was thinking about it the entire time I was outside working with my speaker, blasting my 80s rock. (Don’t judge me!)

I was in my happy place.

Happiness is on the other side of our actions

As you start this new year, I encourage you to reflect on your own happy place and what it will take to get there.

Our goals, hopes and dreams are all unique after divorce.

However, the steps we need to take are as systematic as nature.

You need to figure out what lights you up now. What makes you feel good physically and emotionally? We need to approach our well-being holistically. To truly thrive and feel joy again, we must ensure all areas are tended to.

We have to tend to our physical well-being, our spiritual well-being, our family connections, and our purpose in life.

Most of us know exactly what we need to do to thrive and be at our best.

The problem is usually that we don’t slow down and give ourselves the space that we need to allow the answers to come up.

This year, give yourself that gift. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with trying to stabilise after the shock of divorce, slow down.

Say no to things that are draining you (as much as you can). Say yes to things that feel good and will get you one step closer to the vision you have for your post-divorce life.

I’m dreaming big for 2025

I intend to make 2025 the year that I enjoy my new freedom from the pain of the past. I have a solo trip to Bali coming up in a few weeks. I want to get a taste of working and living overseas as, ultimately, that’s what I’d love to explore when both my children are old enough.

Giving myself ‘tasters’ of the life I want to lead helps me to bring the vision to life. I understand now that small actions build to amazing results over time. I’m learning the fine art of patience, something I’ve always struggled with in the past.

And, of course, 2025 is the year that I want to support and coach more people through their divorce journeys because I’ve made the beautiful discovery that that’s what lights me up the most!

I’ve seen the results my clients have had through our work together, and now I’m even more inspired and passionate about my business!

I have a little challenge for you. Take some time to reflect on what you would love to see happening in your life this year. Even if it seems impossible, allow yourself to dream a little. Bonus points if you write it down somewhere.

Share them with me by leaving a comment! I love to hear what other people dream of and envision for their lives after divorce. It’s a small way of putting your intentions out into the universe and it inspires me to keep building my dreams too.

Here’s to making 2025 the year we start bringing our visions to life!

Work with me in 2025. If you want to:

✅ Get on better with your ex
✅ Feel like you are being a great parent to your kids
✅ Stop feeling overwhelmed and anxious
✅ Feel excited instead of terrified about your future

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This post was previously published on Carol Madden Coaching.

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