One of the things that can be a total mind-you-know-what is that healthy, conscious communication strategies simply do not work when dealing with a narcissist. We have to learn different ways of dealing with them that are often the opposite of how we would communicate in a healthy relationship. For example:
In a healthy relationship: it’s a good idea to honestly tell the other person how you feel so they can empathize. With a narcissist: do NOT tell them how you feel, they will store it up to use against you.
In a healthy relationship: you can make requests and “design the alliance” so both of you get what you want and need. With a narcissist: they are not interested in what works for you or what you want or need, again, this will be more information they can use against you.
In a healthy relationship: you can appeal to shared values and a shared desire to move things forward to benefit the relationship, family or organization. With a narcissist: you have no real shared values, and they only care about themselves, not the relationship, family or organization.
In a healthy relationship: you can appeal to logic and reason, and explain what makes sense. With a narcissist: they are not interested in logic, reason, or what makes sense, only what benefits themselves. They will twist logic and reason to their own purposes (see gaslighting).
In a healthy relationship: doing shared activities or creating a shared vision (or in an organization, team building activities, and/or strategic planning) builds understanding and develops trust. With a narcissist: shared activities, visioning, team building or strategic planning can actually make things worse. (Again, it gives the narcissist more information about how to manipulate you or the team.)
In a healthy relationship: Strict boundaries, rules and careful logging of what’s going on are a last resort (and in a “normal” relationship, if it comes to this point, may be a sign you are dealing with a highly toxic personality). With a narcissist: strict boundaries, rules and keeping track of what’s going on are a first (or at least early on) resort. As soon as you have the sense you are dealing with someone who cares little for others’ feelings, and disregards rules and norms, boundaries are critical, as is keeping a journal or log.
This flip-on-its-head mode of communication is often really tough for empathetic, caring people. It goes against the grain not to tell people how we feel. It can be awkward and extremely uncomfortable to take a hard line with boundaries, or to not extend (endless) trust and forgiveness and “assume positive intent,” as many communication programs advise. But I and others who work in this field are here to tell you that when you are dealing with people who do not process in normal ways, normal strategies simply don’t work.
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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.
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