Today my life is abundant. I am waiting to hear back about a potential fellowship, a conference, a book project, a storytelling contest, and a communications contest.
Whatever happens, I have a lot to smile about. But that wasn’t always the case.
For many years, I couldn’t naturally smile. I’m autistic, and something about my facial structure didn’t allow me to contort my face to radiate positivity. I also struggled with issues of bullying, mental illness, and sexuality, and I’ve had depression since I was ten.
But when I got braces in high school, something shifted—including literally, in my mouth. I was able to produce a smile at a time when my life wasn’t easy socially.
That smile allowed me to show dignity in a world where I often didn’t feel it. I’m grateful that today, despite my anxiety level, I can smile.
Gratitude is also something I’ve struggled with, but for me it has helped immeasurably to deal with the problems that I have faced—to see anything as an opportunity for growth.
So, both my inability to smile and my later wide grin prepared me for better times ahead. I don’t believe that telling kids “It Gets Better” is productive for bullying, but I do believe that my life has gotten so much better since I learned how to smile and how to be grateful for the circumstances that I have dealt with.
And having a large community of friends in my life has helped develop that gratitude. I have had coworkers and others tell me that seeing me gives them a warm feeling when I smile. That means a lot, especially because I didn’t know how to smile growing up.
And music makes me smile more than anything else. I have a Staying Present playlist that I’ve mentioned elsewhere, now with over 700 songs, and somehow today I listen to it much more than my far longer Longing and Desire playlist.
Today I took a selfie while listening to music (see the picture below). My smile is big, wide, and earned. But just another selfie means more to me because of what I’ve been through. More than that, however, I hope that my picture can help others feel good about everything happening in the world.
Lastly, I’ve tried rewriting songs before to fit my life, and while I was never able to fully rewrite Dolly Parton’s country masterpiece, “Coat of Many Colors”—nor would I want to appropriate a song that she wrote about poverty—I hope that people will understand why I wanted to rewrite the last couple lines:
Now I know that once I had no friends, but I’m happy as can be
With the music that is in my heart and my smile of dignity—fit just for me.