People long to feel close to others. Connection is a natural response to the art of being human. Connection helps us move through life. Many times, it removes the sting of loneliness. Some of us fear loneliness more than others. We often don’t know what to do with the feelings when it shows up.
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. ~Mother Teresa
What makes it so different from one person to the next?
The introvert enjoys time alone while the extrovert thrives in collected connection with others. Both personalities need people; the correct dose is different for each.
Both psychologists and counselors agree on how important it is to remain connected. It makes sense to build a support network. An essential prerequisite for a healthy life and a peaceful existence depends on finding unity in the community. Unfortunately, life factors present themselves to us, and we are lonely. We cannot predict when this will happen, and however, we can be prepared for the unexpected.
While the occasional lonely feeling arises, people tend to become anxiety-prone or scared when the panic of loneliness takes over. When this happens, people tend to cling to family or friends, which may drive a wedge between them. Why is that? People want to support others. However, there is a time to grow up and manage your emotions. The attitude can put more pressure on the lonely person, and isolation makes it worse.
What can people do to shift this paradigm and take charge of their lives?
Why is the idea of being alone so scary?
The brain’s light switch
When we experience negative emotions, the brain goes from a calm mind (prefrontal cortex dominated) to an agitated, frustrated, fear-mind (the limbic system and hindbrain dominated). The survival brain — the limbic system helps keep us safe. When we panic, become fearful or have high anxiety, this part of the brain has switched on, and the prefrontal cortex takes a back seat.
The body sends out signals to warn us of a mental switch. Many of us don’t check in with the bodily responses. The stomach tightens, the palms become sweaty, heart rate increases, and eyes dilate. Some signs you’ll notice if you pay attention, other symptoms slip by the mind radar.
When you become aware of your body’s signals, you can avoid a panic-anxiety prone reaction. The trick is to catch it in the first few moments so you can bring your mind back into a calm state.
What does this have to do with fear of loneliness?
If you are panicky about being alone, your brain switches into the fight or flight mode and creates a sense of fear or threat. The more times you give in to the fear, the more you’ll feel out of control and panicky. It is like a rubber band; the more you stretch it, the closer it comes to breaking.
Each day, if you tug on it 50 times, the band will pull easily enough. If you do this every day for a few days, it causes the band’s elasticity to weaken. Soon, the band will not go back to its original stretchiness. The brain does the same thing, except you can retrain it to go back to its initial calm.
The science of brain growth is called neuroplasticity. We look at that concept another time. For now, let’s just keep thinking about what we can do to help that along.
So, think about the history of humanity. In ancient days, those traveling alone were vulnerable from predators and different tribes or villages. If you were alone, it meant you had to fight off attacks without support, and your chance of survival diminished each time you went out alone.
We also know that people need contact and touch at a young age. For instance, a famous study on a group of monkeys found that when baby monkeys were raised without physical touch and warmth from their mother, they would show signs of mental illness and distress later on in life.
Emotional maturity
From the earliest times, we understand the value of connection. The powerful bond of togetherness helps us remain safe builds us up from childhood (studies have shown that babies with human contact are more secure and emotionally robust).
For instance, Katherine Harmon shares, “Many children who have not had ample physical and emotional attention are at higher risk for behavioral, emotional and social problems as they grow up.”
The studies help us recognize the powerful connection between togetherness and loneliness’ painful lessons upon the human spirit. Emotional maturity and human connection blend together to make well-adjusted adults.
Those who have painful past memories of trauma and attachment disorders are more likely to react strongly to feeling alone.
What helps?
Recognition of feelings is essential to understanding what you are feeling. When you seek to overcome the fear of loneliness, you begin by realizing your feelings. They can be intense or muted.
When they are severe, you can breathe through them, allowing comfort to your mind by repeating to yourself, “I am okay,” “I am safe.” These simple phrases help the body regulate. Feelings come and go, and if we accept them as simple as it sounds, we give permission to feel and move on from those feelings.
If you fight the feeling of fear, you increase the panic.
It is a no-win situation. Increase the alarm, raise the anxiety and then increase the behaviors which repel people. You end up lonelier than before.
Each time the feelings arise, give them space to ‘be’ and allow them to move through you to the other side of your mind. It’s like a wave of ocean water rising up, coming to the surface, and then receding back to the sea. Each time you allow this to move you, you’ll reduce the urge to give in to the panicky feeling. The secret is to let these feelings wash over you entirely without fighting them.
While it may take longer than a few minutes for the feeling to dissipate entirely, you’ll already start to begin feeling relief as soon as you stop fighting these feelings and accept them. They’re natural responses to our need for contact going unmet for a brief time.
Social connection
Social support helps us process the feelings of loneliness. To connect with a support system, you’ll build connection. The closer the relationships, the less likely the feeling of loneliness will develop. Healthy relationships also are another helpful avenue toward the reduction of loneliness.
The fear of being alone affects us, no matter how brave we are in other situations.
Suppose you can let yourself feel the emotions fully when you get scared. In that case, you’ll free yourself and give yourself a lifelong tool to work through any other unfamiliar or uncomfortable feelings you may experience in the future. Afterall, personal growth means facing difficult times. When we look back we can see how far we have come.
Share below different times you overcame the fear of loneliness. What did you do that helped you? As we mature through experience, we can embrace the challenges of being alone and enjoy the times with others.
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This post was previously published on Change Your Mind Change Your Life.
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