When it Seems the Wrong Time to Talk Is When You Should

Human conflict is unavoidable. If you do not disagree with your partner then maybe one of you is not expressing real feelings.

That said, it’s normal to pick which issues are worth arguing over — and when — and which should not be aired.

When things are going smoothly you may think a serious disagreement will ruin the perfect mood. However, it’s when we are getting along that we are most non-judgemental. It’s the best time to raise discussions about issues that you may have been avoiding.

When something frustrates, confuses, or annoys us, we are not in the best limbic system alert cycle to bring it up. We often end up hurting each other. Many people say things they don’t really think or feel about the other person — at least not most of the time — in a heated moment. We may use abusive language, swear, or otherwise display the emotions our bodies feel in very unflattering ways. When upset, we are not our best selves but our worst selves. This can make a small issue much worse because it speaks to our general regard and care of each other.

When feeling sad, mad, bad, or afraid, the best way to handle it is to just say it simply and directly: “I feel really upset about this and we need to talk about it later.” Then, if needed, say you are taking a time out to get control of your naturally dysregulated emotions. This is much harder to say than to do, but with practice it will preserve the respect that we all need from one another.

Many bad break-ups are the result of people making decisions while they are angry or hurt. As difficult as it is, a thoughtful adult must learn to know, and then direct, your emotions and your feelings in order to make informed and intelligent choices. When we storm off, or drive away, we usually realize within an hour that this was just a “time out,” not a “I’m leaving you.” When this happens you are better off apologizing, or already having a policy in place that recognizes human beings have to let off steam sometimes.

If you are both having a good day together, it feels unnatural to bring up disagreements, but this is a much better approach than waiting for built up resentment to explode into verbal, or even physical displays.

When the discussion becomes heated, as it may, always know you can stop and take a few moments. Hugs help, even if they they may not reflect what your emotions are telling you in the moment.

While it’s completely human to be upset, maturity and experience allow that we can learn to address it in reasonable ways. When we display defensiveness, stubbornness, contempt, or criticism of another person while we are upset, it harms relationships and creates mistrust. If we agree to talk about it at a calmer time, it creates bonding.

All couples argue, at least if they are healthy and equal, but smart couples know disagreements are best addressed when moods are good.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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