When Kindness Helps Set You Up for Consistent Success

How kind am I to myself when I need it most?

What a profound question! Simple in sincerity and challenging to answer in an honest reflection. What is the first response when we slip up, whether a relapse of substances or behaviors? What is the first response? Are we merciless in the attacks against the mind, or do we show kindness and compassion?

I’ve heard it’s best to get the bad news first, so afterward, the good news sounds favorable. Bad news: You’ll experience challenges, and there is no way to escape a challenge or a struggle of any sort along the way. You’ll find moments where you are discouraged and others where you wonder why you carry on or try.

Tearful, soulful, and pained expressions often rise when we have hit the proverbial wall of shame. At the juncture of shame and awareness, usually shame wins, and we recoil enough to sink further into the bottle. The 500-pound phone call for help weighs so much more than the 15 ounces of Jack.

The good news: you’ll find strength to lift up the heavy phone, reach out to support, and remind yourself you are not alone. Kindness extended to yourself is valuable. As you heal in life, remember to put your hand on your heart and breathe in kindness and compassion.

Here’s some ways to keep the good news as a movement in your life experiences.

Ask yourself, what gets in the way?

Usually, pride or ego stops us from getting support. We find ourselves prideful, “I can do this myself,” or ego laments, “No one understands, what’s the point in sharing?” And we end up giving up on ourselves, which takes away potential blessings to others in supportive action.

I’ve found multiple ways to engage the mind, especially when headed down a dark path of choices. Distraction is paramount, and if you can distract yourself until the urge is gone, you’ve conquered half the battle. When you ride the wave of uncomfortable feelings, you’ll get on the other side with peace and possibly strength.

Straight up, there is a struggle involved.

Anytime you push against the door of change, you find resistance. Resistance helps you grow if you allow the space to emerge. Every challenge doesn’t need to end in a negative failure loop. Each time you face and overcome a challenge it becomes a bridge to a brighter future, changing the moments into blessings.

Another way to focus on improvement is to recognize all changes includes the potential of a lapse or relapse. Not that it has to happen, but that it can happen. As you heal from whatever trauma, pain, loss, or struggle, you’ll find yourself with positive, healthy days and days where you fall flat and wonder what’s the point.

In a situation or environment of uncertainty:

According to the book, Cognitive Behavioral Coping Skills Therapy Manual, you can implement any of the following ideas and eradicate yourself from a potential lapse. There are several things we can do to help prevent a full-blown relapse. The first and most powerful step is to recognize if you are in a high-risk situation.

Leave or change the environment.

Get the heck out once you feel like you are in a situation that will lead you down a rabbit hell hole. Find any excuse in your mind to move you out of the problem.

Next, you can put off the need to use, drink, or ‘say’ for 15 minutes. I use the idea of ‘say’ because those in recovery from anger or abusive behaviors need a way to recognize the lapses that occur. You can wait out a storm for 15 minutes. Most of the time, the urge to freak out or use a substance subside after 15 minutes.

Ride the wave.

If you have not given in, challenge your thoughts. Catch the spark between the thought and the feeling. What is going on? What happened to you? Once you have clarity, you begin the healing process. After all, the actual needs you have in life are:

• Breathe (air).
• Liquids (water is the essential drink).
• Food (you’ve got to eat to live).
• A place to stay safe (shelter, home, car, or tent).

The simplicity of life is apparent if we stand true to those four basic needs.

Recognize you can call for backup.

Just like police or firefighters need backup support during crises, you, too, need to keep a list of those supportive people in your life. While we all have people who want to trip us up, we also have brilliant hope for those around us to keep us safe from choices. They want to help, and we have to pick up the heavy phone and let them help.

The following steps you take decide your future.

Take each day with wisdom and fill it with kindness toward yourself. You don’t have to beat yourself up when you slip. Of course, you may feel upset, and that’s okay.

Let yourself feel. Do you wallow, though? No, no need to wallow in mistakes.

Let that stuff go.

It’s not worth the energy to hold onto an error, lapse, or relapse about choices.

Use the experience as a learning lesson.

Find the triggers, which set you up to fall. Find the reactions you felt when the trigger took place. Analyze the thought and then challenge it in sessions with your coach, therapist, or support person. Look at it with a fresh set of eyes.

When you expose your thoughts after a lapse, you’ll find yourself gaining awareness for the next time. Guaranteed the next time will present itself, and while you don’t have to give in, you need tools to recognize and conquer the potential lapse.

As you enter the different seasons of life, take your arsenal of protection with you. While we cannot protect every experience with absolute clarity and certainty, we can prevent negative events or situational impact. Every day you remain sober or vigilant against negativity (angry outbursts, etc.) you increase a healthier life experience for yourself and your family.

Stay the course, extend kindness to yourself, and remember this too shall pass.

Remember, expressions of kindness help us maneuver life’s challenges.

~Just a thought by Pamela

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Previously Published on medium

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