“The Ick.” It’s Gen Z’s term to describe when a woman feels turned off or repulsed by a man due to a seemingly inconsequential or insignificant action of his.
It can be broadly used. It can encompass the feeling of being “creeped out,” being turned off by a pet peeve, or even just being bored. Probably.
Sometimes, it’s a very legitimate gut feeling that warns her of danger, a phenomenon I’ve discussed before in a piece that defends the concept of “game.”
And sometimes, it’s a gut feeling that warns her that the man might not be emotionally intelligent enough to be able to cater to her emotional needs in a romantic relationship.
As a man, such issues can be addressed through proper self-development and practice.
Sometimes, though, the ick just isn’t your fault at all.
Women with avoidant attachment styles are more prone to feeling “the ick” as a way to justify avoidant behavior.
Was it a mistake to ask her a question about why she doesn’t prefer something, and offering to make compromises based on how you would understand where she’s coming from?
No, you’re exhibiting potentially securely attached communication habits, and the effort to get closer by way of mutual understanding is triggering her avoidant behavior.
Contrary to what some people might think, women can have avoidant attachment styles, too.
It is true that men are a little more likely than women to have an avoidant attachment style, but the difference isn’t as significant as you might think.
As stated in a 2017 study in adult attachment:
“Although women score slightly higher on anxiety and men score slightly higher on avoidance in some samples, these gender differences are small, and gender rarely interacts with either attachment anxiety or avoidance in predicting relationship outcomes.” — Jeffry A Simpson, W Steven Rholes
The following Youtube video highlights this phenomenon of avoidant women using “the ick” as a way to justify such insecure behavior through satirical comedy:
“An ‘ick’ is a term women use to exaggerate any minor flaw to avoid self reflecting. Oh, really, Kelly? Was it his chewing that doomed the relationship, or is the fact that healthy relationships frighten you because there’s less of a threat of being hurt when punching down, so you have to fixate on any minor flaw in order to justify your pattern of toxic choices? To be fair, though, anyone that chews with their mouth open deserves to be alone forever. So, I’m with you there, Kelly.” — Dom Mazzetti
As a man with a secure attachment style, I’ve dated women all across the attachment style spectrum.
Avoidants are always some of the most difficult to deal with, and I’m sure women who have dealt with avoidant men will agree with me. I won’t even get into that rare fourth type, anxious-avoidant attachment, because that’s just it’s own hell of a category.
However, if you find yourself in a relationship with an avoidantly-attached person (kudos on achieving such a difficult task), there is hope. Attachment styles can change.
You can develop a secure attachment style for yourself, and anyone you’re in a relationship with can become more securely attached through your influence. I recommend picking up one of the many books on adult attachment styles to start. I’m personally a fan of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
As for learning how to get into relationships in the first place, regardless of the woman’s attachment style, you know where to look.
What is your attachment style? Have you ever dated someone with an avoidant attachment style? Tell me your experiences in the comments!
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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