The first time I heard about The 5 Love Languages (LLs) and read Dr. Gary Chapman’s bestselling book was about six years into my marriage. Things were already starting to get hard — really hard — and I was looking for a way to better express and receive love, hoping it would smooth out the little issues between us. (If you don’t know your LL and want to take a quiz instead of reading the book, you can find one here.)
Dr. Chapman’s premise is that there is only one (or two) way(s) we express and best receive love. When these one or two primary languages are not met regularly, we feel depleted in our relationships and our love bucket runs dry. When this happens, we have less to give our partners, and it usually starts a vicious cycle of feeling unappreciated, resentful and withholding love from the other person.
My theory, when I took the test, is that whatever language we feel we are lacking in receiving is where we will rank highest. If you always have a hot meal on the table ready for dinner, you aren’t starving for food, and scrambling to see what you can eat; you just sit down and eat, and think about how to fill the spaces and lack in other areas. You don’t even think about the food.
I could see that my then-husband expressed his love with acts of service — the same way his mom expressed hers, to the point of self-sacrifice and detriment— so I assumed that Acts of Service would rank the lowest of my love languages.
I was right but surprised how my other four Love Languages were almost a dead-even tie, with Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation only slightly edging out Quality Time and Gifts of Appreciation.
My dad primarily expresses his LLs through Quality Time and Gifts; when I was younger, my parents had joint custody of me and my dad traveled a lot, always bringing back something from his travels when he returned, to let me know he had been thinking of me. When he was home and it was my time with him, we played basketball and frisbee, cards or board games, ran around the yard with Super Soakers™, or browsed the famous used book store Powells for hours and then went out for Chinese food.
My mom has always expressed her Love Languages through Physical Touch (foot rubs, back scratches, arm tickles) and Words of Affirmation. To this day, she still tells me she thinks I am her greatest artwork and how proud she is to be my mom.
Yes, I was very lucky to have two parents who made me feel loved.
Dr. Chapman claims that the way we receive love is usually the same way we express love and is often inherited by how our parents expressed love. And while it’s not that neither of my parents ever did acts of service for me (I’m sure they did), it just never registered as high as these other four, much to the dismay of my Was-band.
We ran into friction because I wasn’t Services my enough for him — he compared me (unfavorably) to his mom multiple times saying that she was the only person in the world willing to …fill in the blank with whatever Act of Service…who loved him wholly and unconditionally, a sad truth that still breaks my heart.
“All of us blossom when we feel loved and wither when we do not feel loved.” -Dr. Gary Chapman
I made an effort to do things that seemed like Acts of Service to me: researching, shopping for, and cooking special meals for his diet, reordering the supplements he took when the bottles got low, buying replacement socks when his got holes. I was happy to do so because I thought that those acts made him feel loved. But I was equally perplexed when I tried to hold hands or cuddle and he’d shake me off, or I’d want to go adventure with him or play games or do anything besides watch tv (which is not quality time, by the way.)
He gave me a wrapped birthday present the first year we were together, but once we got married, confessed that he wasn’t “a presents guy.” He didn’t think holidays or birthdays were a big deal and certainly wasn’t into the idea of shopping for gifts to surprise me on mine. If I wanted a present, I would have to pick it out online, send him the link with the color and size I preferred, and then wait for it to show up when I could unbox it. After that first birthday together, I don’t think I received one wrapped gift from him, although he had good taste: One year for my birthday we went shopping and he picked out a purse he thought I’d like (he was right) though he claimed he was too worried I wouldn’t like something to just go buy it for me. I pushed aside my disappointment with the empty stockings at Christmas, and a promise to do something for my birthday next year.
Even after we took the Love Languages test together (and myriad other quizzes that I hoped would help us better understand each other and meet each other’s relationship needs), we tried to speak the other’s language, but it didn’t come naturally. It felt like a constant task to stifle the ways I was naturally inclined to show my love and translate them into a way he’d receive as love.
“May you attract someone who speaks your same language so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating your soul.” — author unknown
My ex used to say that he liked Quality Time, but he wasn’t able to be present. Not really. We needed the distraction of the tv — always on — even when he occasionally agreed to play games with me or work on a puzzle together. Or he’d be scrolling on his phone, reading tech blogs, or trying to impart his wisdom and fascinating with whatever the topic du jour that had captured his interest. We didn’t have conversations so much as he gave mini-lectures and I tried my best to follow along. I so deeply craved an authentic, fulfilling romantic and emotional connection, and so often felt like it was a chore to express love in a way he’d understand. I felt like I was spinning my wheels and exhausting myself trying to translate love.
Fast forward several years, a divorce, and a new partner later. My boyfriend’s love languages are the same as mine, although he’d replace my Gifts with Acts of Service on his ordered list. It’s really nice to have someone who kisses the back of my neck as he walks through the room I’m working in, or who I can wrap my arms around from behind as he’s doing the dishes, or loop my arm through his while we grocery shop, or rest my leg over his when we eat dinner at home (and half the time I’m not even aware of it), or who will pet my hair as he passes me, or sigh with appreciation as I play with his hair and rub his head while we watch tv, or who will tickle my back when we cuddle, and then tell me how amazing the day together was. These are all nearly unconscious ways we express love and affection for the other, and the other receives them in the spirit intended. We aren’t spending energy translating our Love Languages into ways the other will understand. I’m not stifling my natural inclination to reach out and touch him. It feels easy to be with one another.
It feels easy to love him, and to be loved in return.
Shoutout to Lee Bidoski who inspired this piece with one she’d written.
Thank you friend!
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Previously Published on medium
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