Quietly quitting a relationship is one of the cruelest things we can to do to another person. That slow fade might make it easier for the person who wants to end the romance to distance themselves from the other person, but it’s particularly painful to be the one still fully invested in a relationship that the other person is hoping to leave. There’s an easier way that’s both quicker and kinder — to end the relationship the moment we want to be done with it. But instead, they stay and hope we’ll be the ones to go.
Quiet Quitting
Quiet quitting is a term that emerged in the workplace to describe someone who stops investing in their work rather than quitting their job. They do the bare minimum and are unwilling to do more. There are a lot of reasons this happens — from feeling underpaid and unappreciated to ongoing stressors in the workplace. Regardless, it’s seen as worse than quitting because of how it impacts the work environment. It feels worse than quitting in relationships, too.
The first time someone quietly quit a relationship with me, I was stunned. Who does that? What kind of person would make someone intentionally unhappy just to avoid being seen as the bad guy? I left that relationship after doing absolutely everything I could to save it, but I was never going to be able to save it alone. In the end, I saved myself.
It took years to open up and learn to trust someone again. The second time it happened, my second round of having someone quietly quit our relationship, I still had unhealed trauma from the first time. I had been forced into leaving before. But I loved this person. I loved him, and I was sure the relationship was worth saving. This time wouldn’t be like the last time.
I decided that he couldn’t make me leave. He could be distant. He could withdraw. I would love him through it. I would love him not just in spite of his faults and flaws but because of them. I would love him so much that he would see my value and change his mind. I had lost his love somewhere along the way, and I could earn it back.
I don’t have to be a former therapist to realize that this thinking wasn’t healthy. I could see the traces of my abandoned inner child who thought love had to be earned or it would never stay. I could see it and acknowledge it wasn’t healthy for me, but I couldn’t make myself leave. There was too much unhealed trauma between me and making that decision. I was frozen. It hurt to stay, but I couldn’t fathom leaving someone I loved that much.
Self-Abandonment
I self-abandoned instead. I suppressed my feelings to support his. I worked harder to nurture the relationship, hoping for validation that I was worthy of love. I chose his needs over mine. I loved him more than I loved myself, which is never a good thing.
I let that hurt inner child hold onto someone who wasn’t holding onto her, and I let myself go. While he was quietly quitting, I was scrambling to save the relationship. I could do more. I could be more. I could be better or try harder.
All my efforts backfired. Every step I took toward him, he took a step away. Instead of seeing my value, he began enumerating my faults. I saw him fall in love with me, and I watched, heartbroken, as he fell out of love with me. He was quietly quitting, and I was quietly, desperately in love with him.
He did finally leave. After months of quietly quitting and watching me self-abandon in an effort to convince him to stay, he left. And I could finally fall apart in peace. I didn’t have to wonder if today would be the day he left. I could simply nurse my broken heart without doubt or uncertainty. I had feared the end, and it came anyway. I would survive the thing I thought I couldn’t.
Trauma Recovery
This time, I ended up in trauma therapy. I took out all my baggage and finally sorted through it. I began to understand how I could hold on so tightly to someone who was doing their best to leave me. I traced the roots back and found my answer. I realized that a healed version of myself would have been strong enough to leave. An unhealed version simply didn’t have the strength to go.
When we’re healthy, we don’t stay in unhealthy and unhappy situations. We just don’t. We know our worth, and we’re strong enough to walk away when a once-good relationship runs its course. It might not be any easier to make that choice, but we are able to make it. We choose ourselves every time, and we refuse to self-abandon for anyone.
The frozen indecision felt familiar. It was a former relationship all over again. That sense that the other person has checked out, leaving me alone in the struggle. The age-old question of “should I stay, or should I go” was all-consuming. But I wish I’d remembered what I should have learned the first time — that the decision to go would alleviate much of my suffering.
Whether we leave in the end or are the ones who are left, it’s a painful thing to invest in someone who quietly quits on us. We want partners who are all-in, partners who are putting in equal time, energy, and effort to nurture the relationship. We want to love and to be loved. It’s that simple.
But human beings aren’t simple at all. Not really. We carry baggage from relationship to relationship and work out the past on the present, changing our future with every action and reaction. We want to love and be loved, but we don’t always know how to choose healthy partners. Even when we love someone, we aren’t always equipped to show it.
So, we hurt each other, and we don’t all heal from it. We go on to hurt other people — intentionally or unintentionally, it doesn’t seem to matter. We quietly quit because we’re not brave enough to go; we stay with someone who quietly quits on us because we never learned how to be loved well — or how to leave when we’re not.
The Work of Healing
While they were quietly quitting, I was suffering. Yet, I can look back from a healed place and know that I was also choosing that suffering. I might not have been responsible for their actions, but I was responsible for my own. For staying when I should have left. For abandoning myself in favor of keeping relationships that would inevitably end.
The work of healing happens when we go beyond accountability for our actions and begin to make changes in our behavior. We don’t just accept responsibility. We also do what we can to learn our lessons.
Although it took a long time, I finally learned mine. I know that I cannot afford to self-abandon again. I know how to love myself well, and although I’m confident I could love someone well, I know that I’m strong enough to walk away if they can’t love me in the way that I need.
I don’t ignore red flags anymore. I ask the questions that need to asked. I’m not so preoccupied with being chosen that I forget my choices matter, too. While they were quietly quitting, I was learning what I needed. I was learning how to love myself better — even if I took the scenic route getting there. I was breaking down and recognizing how familiar it was — and now, I’m healing.
With that being said, I often hope that the Universe doesn’t see a need to test me on what I’ve learned. I can recognize quiet quitting, but I don’t relish repeating the experience to show my mastery of the concept. Instead, I hope to live my life loving well and learning what it is to be loved well. I won’t self-abandon. It’s a promise I’ve made to myself — one I plan to keep.
In the face of quietly quitting, I will loudly leave. I know I deserve better than a partner with one foot out the door. I know I deserve to be loved well — or left alone to love myself well instead.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Felix jr Serrano on Unsplash