Turns out my husband is who he is.
And so it seems, am I.
His behavior got us into marriage counseling but mine made it worse.
Keep reading, you’ll understand what I’m saying in a minute.
“Your husband keeps showing you who he is,” says my counselor. “Only you don’t want to believe him.”
I was unhappy. Scrap that, I was miserable. I was no longer arguing with my husband. Our problems were leaking outside of our four walls. Worse, he could have cared less about resolving them.
I should have LEFT HIM long before I did.
The surprising reason I remained in an unhappy marriage?
I couldn’t get out of my own way.
It wasn’t my husband I couldn’t get over. As our marriage counselor said, he kept showing me who he was. He was also demonstrating how little he cared. I was now in couples counseling for one since he refused to return.
I was emotionally totaled but I wouldn’t give up on him. I chose to invent a person I thought the best of. I made excuses for his bad behavior. He’s unhappy. He’s sad about something. He’s having a mid-life crisis. Or my trademark excuse-laden mantra.
“He’s a good person in a bad place,” I would say.
I confused this with loyalty. It was unhealthy. It was enabling.
It’s hard to say where and when I misplaced my self-respect. I would never have let a man treat me like this when I was younger. There’s something about a church and a vow that make you tolerate intolerable behavior.
When you evolve into babies and a family you withstand more.
You’ll put up with antics that are insufferable and unendurable.
You’re taking one for the team. You are keeping your family whole. Certainly, these things play into why many people stay in unhappy marriages. Faith and family are massive motivators.
So yes, this is a part of why I stayed as well as love.
But the bigger reason is I couldn’t get out of my own way. If my personality wasn’t so tenacious — the fixer, the problem solver, and the rescuer.
The enabler who tolerated repeatedly poor behavior in favor of making excuses.
I’m unhappy but he’s the love of my life. I know what he’s doing but I want to keep my family together. I don’t want my kids to be children of divorce because I know what that’s like. I would never have accepted this treatment but I think (wait for it) — “He’s a good person in a bad place.”
Why did I stay in an unhappy marriage?
It wasn’t love. It wasn’t family. It wasn’t faith.
I was smart enough to know this was no longer love. I was wise enough to know my children deserved better. I was spiritual enough to know faith doesn’t mean tolerating abusive situations.
I justified all the reasons I wouldn’t surrender to my truth.
When I should have been saying, it’s me. I won’t quit. I won’t give up. I’m a problem solver with a heavy dose of optimism. A spiritual girl who believes in miracles and forgiveness to the point of enabling. Because kindness is forgiving bad behavior once or twice, enabling is tolerating it over and over again.
Turns out my husband is who he is.
And so it seems, am I.
His behavior got us into marriage counseling but mine made it worse.
I should have LEFT HIM long before I did.
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Photo credit: Tim Schmidbauer on Unsplash
