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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
We need to stop viewing sex as a way of giving away our power. It’s a misconception to think that having sex means you’ve already given your power away. Your power is not something that can be relinquished in a moment; it is something you either claim or don’t.
Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and Audrey Hussey.
Audrey: “Hello there!”
Many of you have been asking about Steven and where he is. He’s not with us in LA right now, but he will be rejoining us in a week. Look forward to seeing him in upcoming episodes.
If you haven’t signed up for my newsletter yet, I send it out every Friday. I spend a lot of time crafting it, and I really want you to experience it. If you enjoyed the Love Life book or like my writing, you’ll love this. It’s like a personal blog—a weekly diary entry that offers fresh thoughts and insights.
You can sign up at the3relationships.com. That’s the number three, the3relationships.com.
Male Psychology and Dating
I have a question from a listener that I want to discuss today. She asked, “Can you speak to the male psychology behind sleeping together? Why do men withdraw so quickly, even though they seem so smitten on the date?”
The Stereotype
There’s a pessimistic view that men only want one thing and that once they’ve gotten it, they lose interest. While some men fit this stereotype, many do not. Some men may find themselves genuinely attracted but struggle to distinguish between true interest and mere physical attraction.
Men’s Emotional Responses
It’s not one-size-fits-all. Both men and women experience a range of responses to sex and relationships. Many people have shared that a guy seemed interested, but once they slept together, he pulled away or lost interest.
The question we need to explore is what sex means to men in the early stages of dating. It’s essential to understand that not all men view sex the same way.
The Meaning of Sex
Sex doesn’t mean nothing to all men. For some, sex is highly significant and isn’t something they rush into unless they have a genuine connection. For others, it might be less emotionally meaningful, comparable to a casual act like having a cup of tea.
The Discrepancy
Some men treat sex casually, as a desire to be quenched rather than an emotionally significant act. This can lead to a sudden shift in behavior after sex.
In his book *Comedy Sex God*, Pete Holmes describes the feeling after an orgasm as a sort of disillusionment—a stark contrast to the intense desire that led up to it. This can be a common experience for many.
Protecting Yourself
How can you protect yourself from this kind of behavior? You can’t account for everything in life, but there are strategies you can use:
Initial Dates
Going home with someone after just one date is risky. You may not know their true intentions or emotional investment. This is one end of the spectrum where the risks are higher because there’s no real understanding of the other person’s feelings.
Building Emotional Connections
When you go on several dates and feel emotionally invested, it’s easy to assume that the other person feels the same way. However, this can be dangerous if their intentions are different.
Self-Awareness and Communication
Self-awareness is crucial. If you find that acting on strong emotions leads to regret, it’s essential to address this pattern. Reflect on past experiences to understand how you feel after such encounters and whether you need to change your approach.
Knowing Yourself
Understand yourself well enough to recognize if a situation might lead to pain or regret. For instance, if you know you get emotionally attached after physical intimacy, it’s vital to be cautious and perhaps delay physical involvement until you’re more certain about the other person’s intentions.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, and this episode isn’t about judging whether it’s good or bad to have sex with someone. It’s about knowing yourself and understanding where you stand.
The Paradox
It’s a paradox that if sex means a lot to you, you might still find yourself in situations where you engage in it despite not being fully comfortable with the emotional implications.
Like with drinking, where we learn our limits through experience, apply the same logic to relationships. Pay attention to how you feel afterward and use those feelings as a guide for future decisions.
Know yourself and set boundaries that align with your emotional well-being. Communicate openly about your expectations and intentions, and don’t be afraid to protect yourself from potential disappointment.
Unspoken Expectations in Dating
There is often an unspoken understanding where some people know that being upfront about their intentions could lead to losing out on a potential romantic encounter. Do you think this is fair? Do you think it happens frequently? From my perspective as a woman, and based on the listener who sent in this question, it does seem that way.
For men who engage in this behavior, there is a level of maturity and empathy they should aspire to. If you meet someone at a bar and end up going home together, it’s not necessary to state beforehand that you’re not looking for a relationship. However, if you’ve been dating someone for a while and it’s clear they are seeking a committed relationship, then you should communicate that you’re not looking for the same thing before becoming intimate. I have hurt people in the past by not being transparent, and I regret not being more upfront.
Validation of Feelings
It helps to know that women aren’t being unreasonable in feeling that they’re getting a different version of someone before and after sex. It can feel disorienting when the person you’re dating seems to change, but it’s important to recognize that this is a common experience and not just in our heads. Some people may act selfishly or avoid uncomfortable conversations about their true intentions.
The Avoider vs. The Manipulator
The most common issue is not outright manipulation but avoidance. Some people avoid mentioning that they don’t want a relationship because they believe it will impact their chances of getting what they want. While this isn’t right, it reflects a reality many face. It’s essential for everyone to be intentional and communicate clearly about their desires and expectations.
Understanding Different Perspectives
Many people, particularly men, may not view sex with the same emotional weight as women do. For some men, sex might be less about connection and more about physical satisfaction. However, when they meet someone they truly care about, their feelings can become just as intense and vulnerable. If they become emotionally invested, they might experience the same hurt and confusion as anyone else.
The Misconception of Sex and Connection
It’s a mistake to assume that sex will solidify a connection that isn’t already there. Sex should be an organic progression of a pre-existing connection, not the catalyst for creating one. It’s important to communicate openly about where you stand and what you want from a relationship.
Being Honest About Expectations
If sex is important to you, be upfront about it. You don’t have to hide your feelings or worry about scaring someone away. It’s perfectly okay to express that you need to feel a genuine connection before becoming intimate. This honesty will likely be appreciated by those who are looking for something meaningful.
Setting Boundaries and Communicating Needs
Remember, you can always reset boundaries. If you’ve been intimate with someone but want to clarify your expectations moving forward, it’s okay to have that conversation. You can state that you need to focus on each other exclusively if the relationship is to continue. This is about maintaining your standards and ensuring both parties are on the same page.
Your Power and Agency
Your power isn’t something you can give away in a single moment. It’s yours to claim or not. If you find yourself feeling attached or wanting more from the relationship, it’s important to communicate that clearly. If the other person isn’t on the same page, it’s okay to continue dating but not to continue in a way that doesn’t align with your needs.
Share Your Thoughts
We’d love to hear from you. Email us at [email protected] and let us know if this discussion has helped clarify your feelings or shift your perspective on communication in dating.
If you haven’t seen our free training on avoiding the casual dating trap and finding a meaningful relationship, check out “Dating with Results” at datingwithresults.com. It’s designed to help you create real momentum in your dating life.
Thank you for listening or watching. I appreciate the engaging conversation today, and I’m glad you found the discussion helpful. We’ll see you in the next episode of Love Life. Be well, friends, and love life.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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