Why High EQ Leads to Great Sex

I’ll be honest: my doorway into personal growth work & emotional intelligence (EQ) was sacred sexuality.

Otherwise, as an academic who adored the life of the mind, I found the idea of ‘connecting with the body’ vaguely distasteful and considered emotions to be signs of weakness.

But being stuck in my head and unable to be real and raw emotionally made for lousy sex.

The problem was, I didn’t value having good sex as an essential part of life, either.

I easily might have gone on like this for the rest of my life — in our work-obsessed world that values reason and financial success above all else, including our own health, I saw no other paradigm. With my traditional scientific education I would not have been open to a more holistic idea of life even if it had been presented to me.

It’s alarming, really, when you stop to think about it, that our view of life is we are either overworking or partying (and somewhere in there a lot of housework and child-rearing gets done).

There isn’t a paradigm where a sense of continued inner growth, emotional maturity, and healthy mind-body connection are valued.

Yet I have found that these are what makes life meaningful, bearable, and fascinating in my moment-to-moment experience. Overworking for some perceived future success is ultimately hollow, and living only for the kids’ sake or partying all the time is unhealthy.

And if we persist in valuing only one side of life (the analytical, intellectual side), we miss out on some really awe-inspiring stuff (like really feeling and experiencing deeper mysteries of life).

For me, breaking out of my limited understanding and crossing over to integrate both my intellectual and emotional realms was the best thing that ever happened.

And it led to the best sex of my life. Far from being frivolous or shameful, as most of us have been taught to regard sex, this had profound ramifications on my mental, emotional, and physical health.

How did I do it?

Well, it’s hard to go on suppressing half of who we are for decades — it requires a lot of energy, which is exhausting. Eventually, I got tired.

And through those cracks something started to emerge, despite my stubbornness — the protestations of my ‘rational’ side. Without realizing it, I undertook a series of bold moves over the course of a few years — trying new things, saying yes to what scared me, putting myself in enlivening, body-focused situations (even though they were super terrifying and uncomfortable!)— and eventually the cork on my emotions and sexuality wriggled loose.

And I realized that to actually connect (not just regurgitate niceties, or be ‘polite’), feel mind-altering pleasure, and truly have a good time (not a pretend time, not a performing time) during lovemaking, I had to let myself feel and be witnessed in feeling. I had to let myself cry, scream, and be wild ~ and I needed my partner to be able to handle these things too.

That last piece is key. I needed my partner to be aware enough and respectful of their own inner world and emotions so they could hang with mine. I needed to know they were willing to sit with my awkwardness, messiness, and not have it hurt their pride. I needed to know they were unafraid of witnessing strong emotion from me. This requires emotional intelligence on their part in addition to mine.

And then when I could really let go… Well, this realm proved to be such a fascinating field of study that I became a sex, love & relationship coach. Not bad for an ex research chemist. A different kind of chemistry, you might say.

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This post was previously published on Jessica Gold, Ph.D.

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