I’m no expert on men and relationships. But what I do know is that the men who have been in my life were, sadly, not in touch with their feelings. I have seen them give a wide berth to said topic, skirting around or absolutely refusing to have conversations about feelings.
One even claimed alpha males don’t do sh*t like that.
Another guy I used to know was so into “How to Build the Perfect Relationship” books that he approached relationships, well, like a book. He was constantly lecturing me on how the relationship gurus he worshipped defined what a perfect relationship should look like.
I think the poor guy was so terrified of failure that he never saw the trees for the forest. He never realized his fear for what it was and still hasn’t, last I heard.
Yet, another example of a guy who is reluctant to talk about feelings can be observed from the following conversation:
She: “Babe, you are not listening to me.”
He:“I love you. You love me. I brought you flowers. We had dinner at a nice restaurant. Why are you complaining now?”
She: “I am not complaining. I share my feelings with you all the time, I just wish you would open up a little more, like, reciprocate a little more.”
He: “ Feelings? I told you, I love, you love me. What more is there to discuss?”
She: “Sigh.”
Tbh, it was only after coming to Medium and reading other guys who are not afraid of sharing the male perspective that I’ve learned that men are not much different from women in that they love just as hard and hurt just as bad as we do.
However, except for a few, not many are willing to talk about it or be open about it.
Probably because they are trained not to show vulnerabilities from a young age.
Then there is the fear that they would be viewed with contempt, pity, or ridicule by their peers. Or perceived as weak by their girlfriends for displaying such feelings.
Why ever not?
If I could understand so much about where they are coming from just from reading about their relationships and life experiences from their posts, how much more I would be able to appreciate, empathize and relate if they were saying it directly.
Instead, they suppress what they are feeling and go about their lives — meanwhile, the pressure is building up with no valve to let off some steam until the inevitable happens and there is a massive explosion or series of explosions.
Suffice to say, everyone, full-time macho men included, needs to take a break once in a while to prevent the above from happening.
An interesting excerpt from Psychology Today demonstrates that most guys don’t typically start out this way but become so largely due to socialization: “One of the Ten Commandments of masculinity is “Thou shall not feel.” This kind of mind-heart disconnect can begin when boys are in the early years of elementary school. You’ll see kindergarten and first-grade boys bringing stuffed animals from home to comfort them amid their fear of the social demands of school. They’ll even hold hands and put their arms around other boys and girls to show affection and express joy. But by second grade, male indoctrination can begin. Boys can be considered “sissies” if they show fear, pain, or heaven forbid the most taboo expression of all: crying.”
Sometimes it is the environment they were raised in which may have nipped expressing emotions in the bud or their parents may not have been very expressive themselves thus conveying the message that children should be seen but not heard. Whatever the reason, talking about feelings is nothing to be ashamed of.
Instead, it is essential for emotional wellbeing and also for building healthy romantic relationships.
According to mindbodygreen.com, talking about feelings helps process difficult experiences, alleviate stress, and receive support from friends and loved ones. Burying emotions on the other hand can lead to a myriad of health issues such as lower immunity to diseases, cardiovascular issues, memory loss, and lower productivity.
Shoutouts to these writers who I would like to appreciate for writing about the difficult topic of feelings from a male perspective