Why I Stayed Married in a Sexless Relationship

One man’s story on r/deadbedrooms.

Why did I stay?

I made a conscious decision years ago.

If I had to pick between sex and being an everyday dad to my girls, there was no decision. And zero regrets. My girls are amazing, and I’m much richer for being there every day. Far more than I would have been by occasional mechanical, starfish sex. Or having not been there each day.

I’m Catholic.

My vows are sacred to me; this is not a sufficient reason to break them. I’m confident in the next life, balance will occur. It doesn’t make sense for those of you who aren’t religious. Please accept for me it’s huge. I wouldn’t go outside my marriage if I could.

At this point, if you reach it, a truce of sorts sets in. You know and count on each other, and your lives are incredibly intertwined. I’m in my 60s and not anxious to start my fiscal life all over again.

Do we love each other?

Yes, but not in the white-hot passion of younger people. I genuinely believe she loves me. And despite it all, I love her. I have no idea why she is the way she is sexually — therapy was never on the table. She refused flatly, but I truly believe she gave me all she had. Sexually there just wasn’t all that much to start with. The old standby is true, “otherwise, she’s a wonderful woman.”

Did I miss some red flags?

Of course. We all do. None of us would choose this.

Would I have married her if I knew this was coming?

Honestly, I don’t think about it. Nothing good comes of it, and I’m about building the best life I can with the time ahead. It’s like asking yourself if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Unless you are Harry Potter, it’s not gonna happen, so let it be.

Regret?

To this day, she still won’t answer if she wants a formal end to our sex life. And I asked dozens of times before I chose to move on. I guess a proper response has implications she doesn’t wish to face. Yes is final, and probably means facing the fact she’s not “normal” in that way. Plus, the fear it might cause me to leave. No opens the can of worms involving “then why didn’t we?” Silence is probably her best response. It would have been nice to know so I could have made a more informed decision about my life, but in the end, I doubt it would have made any real difference.

Overall, it is what it is. It’s not the life I wanted, but I made the best of it by owning my situation and my pain. I’m a DB resident, not a captive. Can’t say no regrets, but minimal.

One thing I came to terms with is that I genuinely don’t believe low libidos are bad people out to screw our lives. Something is missing inside them, and it manifests here. I doubt anyone would choose to be Low Libido. Be hurt, be mad, but don’t be angry with them. To me, it’s the same as if they were tragically injured and unable to have sex. Most of us wouldn’t abandon the people we love over something like that. Not their fault.

Best advice:

Be painfully honest with yourself. Wishing and hoping don’t fix dead bedrooms. It just makes the final outcome worse. Low libidos can’t give you what they don’t have.

Love is never, ever enough.

If sex is that important to you (not a bad thing), come to grips, it’s time to go. This doesn’t make you a bad person.

Especially early in a relationship. If you’re a low libido, love your partner enough to tell them the truth.

Lastly, involving staying: don’t kid yourself. Its hell. But if you choose to stay, it’s on you now. So own it, make the best life possible, and no bitching at the low libido for a decision you made.

…

Readers, what makes you stay married in a sexless relationship? Tell me in the comments.

…

Follow me on the Scarlett Letter

I’ve written over 650 articles on cheating and dead bedrooms for a reason, people. You know you want to hide in the bathroom reading. I’m so bad, I’m good.

Follow me on substack — Monalisasmile.substack.com (I share more about my misdeeds than here. And you know you want more!)

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***