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My wife’s rolling eyes still greet me when I open doors for her, even after over two decades of the practice. She’s headstrong and can take care of herself—it’s part of what I love about her—but I still rush to reach that handle before she does. There’s the occasional verbal protest, to which I usually reply “because I want to.”
My parents split when I was about six-years-old, and I spent the majority of my childhood and teens raised primarily by my mom. As I got older, she was bound and determined that I be a gentleman. She drilled me on various rules while we were out shopping, at church, and especially when we went out to eat. I guess at some point; someone felt that eating together required the most robust amount of etiquette than any other daily interaction.
Of these actions, opening the door for a lady was the firm Lesson One. When you’re 10 or 11 years of age, the very act makes you feel another foot taller. I’m the rare ‘Y’ chromosome in a family littered with ‘X’s, so opening the door would result in a line of relatives passing by my efforts with a smile and a “thank you.” It was nice to feel accomplished and appreciated all at once.
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However, I was also thoroughly versed in the notion that men and women are equals, and no one gender is better than the other. The more I grew and learned, the more that these rules seemed to be a relic of the notion of feminine weakness. I began to feel like I was endorsing passé attitudes, and even affirming a double-standard of always placing the opposite sex first when we were supposed to be on an even keel.
I began voicing these notions to my mom when we were out, and she initially countered with reasons such as “because you should” and “because it’s proper.” Mom has never been much of a “because I said so” parent, but this was close. I continued to argue that what was expected of me was based on outdated attitudes that felt like they were insulting the status of women. I could not comprehend why someone like my mother agreed with them, shy of that aforementioned double-standard. This all while I continued to abide by the code in public.
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In the midst of one of these debates, my mom shared an anecdote with me that went something like this:
When entering a building, an older man noticed that a younger woman was following close behind him. When he opened the door, he stopped, smiled, and stood back to let her enter first. Upon seeing what he was doing, the woman scoffed, “I can open the door myself, you don’t need to do that because I’m a woman.” The man, still polite, replied, “Madam, I didn’t open the door for you because you’re a woman. I did so because I’m a gentleman.”
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This was undoubtedly the best rebuttal my mom had served up on the subject, and while it didn’t fully gel for me at the time, it successfully took the involvement of a woman off of the table and very much changed the concept of opening doors to me. It would still take finishing my teens, living in my twenties, and doing so with people other than the ladies I was related to before this notion solidified; all the while continuing to fight to open the door for my future wife because I felt like it was proper.
I could not understand the actions expected of a gentleman because I first had to grow into the mold of a one before acting like it would make any sense. Years of polite conversations, firm handshakes, warm introductions, and opened doors—both by me and for me—helped to formulate my idea of what it is to be a gentleman not just to myself but for those around me. It wasn’t about them. Just as in the story Mom had told me, I was a gentleman by choice.
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I still open doors today, for both women and men, young and old. It isn’t because anyone is weak or strong. It’s because I care to, and it all goes back to those smiles and “thank you”s. Why not be kind, why not consider others before yourself? A man opens doors for others not because he is strong or they are weak, but because he cares for others. It’s a minor effort for just a moment, yet with long-lasting effect. By all means, after you.
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I was also taught to open doors for women, and have always been happy to open a door for any others . . . male or female. As I’ve aged (pushing seventy) I still open doors for others, but also find others now tend, more often, to open doors for me. I do my best to smile, say thank you, and appreciate the gesture.