Why Making Yourself Scarce Is a Really Romantic Idea

It seems to go against everything you want to do, especially when you’re in love.

Being a little scarce.

There may be a number of reasons why that just doesn’t feel right to you, other than the obvious: You just want to be with the one you love as much as possible.

But that’s not always the most healthy thing for your relationship, it turns out.

***

The scarcity principle is generally used in economics and contends that a limited supply of a good combined with a high demand for it results in disrupting the supply and demand balance. The theory is that when there is less of something available, it can create a greater demand for it.

Can this translate to love and relationships? Some studies say yes.

A 2010 study published by the Association of Psychological Science evaluated college-aged women by showing them the profiles of four different male students. The women were told that the men had already looked at their profiles and were divided into three categories; 1) the men who really liked them, 2) the men who kind of liked them, and 3) the men who were unsure. The women were then asked who they were most attracted to and the women most highly rated the men who were unsure about them, (3), followed by the ones who really liked them, (1), and the least attractive group to the women was the men who kind of liked them, (2).

They even reported thinking about the men who were uncertain (3) after the study was over.

***

What does this really mean? Well, the moral is that we humans like or want what we think we can’t have, or at least aren’t certain we can have. So, if a person is totally available and throwing themselves at you, odds are that you’re likely to be less interested in them, and take their interest for granted.

It’s human nature.

Does this feel like playing games? Well, it shouldn’t. It works in the dating scene and also in long-term relationships too. No one wants to be around someone who is too needy and lacks their own interests, and that goes for men and women.

It can be a turn off or a source of annoyance when the object of your affection has no drive, hobbies, or outside passions and relies solely on your attention and interaction to be a whole person.

The more someone is simply content being around you, whatever you’re doing, the more their uniqueness and the excitement of being around them fades.

Creating a small pattern of absence by each of you simply having your own interests and certain things you like to do when you’re not together, the more you’ll appreciate and look forward to the times you are together.

***

Another expert on influence, Robert Cialdini, found that people value and desire something more when it’s rare or difficulty to get. He also defined this as the scarcity principle.

He explains that this Scarcity Principle works on the idea of Reactance. Essentially, it happens because none of us like to be told no, limited in any way, or have our freedom constrained. So, when we think we might miss out, not be chosen, or be denied what we want, we “react.” That reactance makes us try all the harder and want what is denied us all the more.

***

In Robert Greene’s book The 48 Laws of Power, Greene points out lessons from the lives of powerful historical figures. Even though we’re speaking of relationships here, Law 16 seems to loosely apply. Here’s the long and short of it.

Law 16: Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor-The more present you are, the more common you appear. Create an air of scarcity around yourself to increase your perceived value. If you currently exist within an established group, intermittently withdraw so that others talk about you and admire you more.

In essence, don’t wear out your welcome. The more you’re seen and heard from, the more you cheapen your brand.

Brutally simple, but it’s the truth.

***

So how do you walk the line of scarcity and not be out of site, out of mind? Well, first, don’t make it seem like work. This should feel more like falling in love with yourself and re-discovering who you are and what you want out of your life, outside of your relationship with your partner.

1. 1. Have your own interests that you’re passionate about, and allow them the same. You don’t have to do everything together or like the same things.
   2. Stay connected, but don’t obsess. If you send a loving text or sentiment, don’t go off the rails and follow up with six question marks after ten minutes. Communicate and let your feelings be received and allowed to sink in, don’t smash them down.
   3. Keep your scheduled plans to be with each other sacred, and your time apart as well. It’s important for the health of your relationship to stay committed to your together time. By the same token, don’t shame, resent, or belittle the activities that you each like to do outside of that time.
   4. If you miss them, it’s okay to say so. Don’t get so consumed in this idea that you’re fearful of sharing that you’re missing your boo. Definitely say it, everyone loves to be missed and needed. Just don’t go overboard.

***

Even though it can be scary to make yourself a little more scarce in your relationship, it shouldn’t be. Each time you’re reunited you’re reminded how much you love and appreciate your partner because you were able to have the chance to miss them.

Clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D, compares being around a partner all the time to eating your favorite food over and over — no matter how much you love it, after a while, you may start getting a little tired of it.

If you’re relationship is strong, it turns out having a little distance every now and then can be very healthy.

Absence actually can make the heart grow fonder if you do it right and approach it with a healthy self-care mindset and complete trust in the strength of your relationship.

—

This post was previously published on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything