Why Narcissists Don’t Want You to Have Self-Esteem

The fourth of our six core needs (as mentioned in the first post in this series), is the need for self-esteem. That is, confidence in our own worth or abilities, our sense of self-respect. This feels particularly fundamental — of course we all want to think well about ourselves, feel like we have value, and believe that we deserve a place in the world. Why on earth would narcissists want to disrupt this? How does it impact them?

Well, narcissists typically see relationships as a seesaw (aka teeter-totter). If you are up it means they must be down. And the only way to keep themselves up is to keep you in your place — that is, feeling small, unsure, and that you have little value. The more the narcissist can disrupt your self-esteem, the safer they feel in the relationship. After all, why would you leave them if they have convinced you that you are basically worthless?

As I write this series I see more and more how interrelated our core needs (and the way narcissists attack them) are. Disrupting self esteem helps them exercise control and disrupt our need for autonomy. Making us feel bad about ourselves disrupts our ability to pursue mastery and competence as well. And of course, all of this makes true relationship impossible.

In my own story, this disruption of self-esteem started young. A family member decided that I was too fat at age 8 (I was probably just bulking up for a growth spurt at the time, I definitely wasn’t heavy) and put me on a diet. This contributed to a distorted body image and a belief that my very value and ability to be loved was dependent on how thin I was. As a young adult, always struggling with my weight but in a particularly lean phase, I recall asking this person “Hey, how do I look? Don’t I look thin?” They replied nonchalantly, “Oh, you always look thin,” and changed the subject. Even after achieving the goal I thought was necessary to secure their love and approval, it made little difference.

In the journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, so many of us need to reclaim and rebuild this sense of who we are, which is one reason a trauma-trained coach or therapist can really help. It’s one thing to recognize what is going on, to know that you have been controlled and devalued in order for the other person to feel good. It’s another to detangle from their messages about your worth. We can be done with them, see them for who they are, and know (cognitively) that they said stuff about us that isn’t really true, and yet still default to their voice in our heads.

In my own case, I have worked and am still working to disentangle my worth from my weight, and to replace this person’s voice in my head with kinder, more loving messages. It’s not easy and I don’t always succeed, but slowly and steadily I make progress. This is why I believe that the journey of healing is a hero and heroine’s journey. It takes tremendous courage, patience and persistence. And I also believe that self-esteem and a sense of self-worth is our birthright. We don’t have to earn it, we just need to reclaim it.

In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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