When I was figuring out that the person I was involved with was a covert malignant narcissist, I found myself saying that it had taken me completely by surprise, because I had no history with narcissists. At least, that’s what I saw at first — the experience felt like it came out of nowhere. But as I read, listened and studied this whole area, plus reflected more deeply on my own experience, I realized that no, this was not my first rodeo after all. I’d been around narcissists my whole life. I just didn’t know it.
Here are a few stars from my own cast of characters:
~ Growing up with various family members who “parentified” me and expected me to focus on their needs and problems while ignoring my own.
~ My first husband who I married impulsively at age 23 after he love bombed me. Could not keep a job, ran up huge credit card debt, picked fights, was obsessed with body building, never took responsibility for anything, and constantly stepped over my boundaries. I now see he is probably a classic grandiose narcissist. I divorced him after only four years but he still tries to “hoover” me from time to time!
~ My college advisor who found me on FB years later. He love bombed me, left wife number 3 to date me, pushed me to move in together after a month, denigrated my work, and then broke up with me by text after another month or so. Another classic grandiose narcissist, most likely. He remarried a few months later and then reached out after another year or so saying he was divorced again and would we like to hook up? I blocked him.
~ A short term boyfriend who was wonderful and full on, until I pushed back on something and he turned nasty. Luckily I was not that into the relationship yet and ended it quickly.
And so I now see that I was well-trained to get seriously involved with a narcissist. I had experienced it many times, I just wasn’t aware that the reason the relationships felt off, difficult, and unsatisfying was largely to do with the toxic person I was involved with. I don’t mean to dodge any personal responsibility, by the way. I know I had things to learn about communication and relationships. But I probably had way more to learn about identifying and standing up for my own needs, speaking my truth, and not putting up with neglect or ill-treatment.
We learn coping strategies to deal with how we are treated, particularly early in life. We also tend to associate patterns in our families with love and safety, even if they are dysfunctional. I had a friend a few years ago who was involved with a woman who insulted and demeaned him. He told me that his mom had done so as well, and so on some level this felt like love to him, and being treated kindly was actually uncomfortable. I was both sad for him and impressed by his level of self-awareness — although it didn’t seem to be enough to have him move on.
And so, all too often for many of us, this may not be our first rodeo. But through knowledge, awareness and courage, we can hopefully make it our last.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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