When did life become a race towards the steepest hill in sight? Why do we love making things so much harder for ourselves? Why do we all have this nagging emptiness inside that pushes us in every direction, spreading us thin, and defending ourselves to everyone we see?
Its exhausting. And it can feel like an endless cycle. Especially when this part of ourselves takes over during an argument or in a relationship with another person.
Our need to be right and to prove ourselves “right” is exactly the thing that is stopping us from solving a problem, making amends, and finding peace.
So when will we make it stop? When will we stop trying to attain this thing that is out of our reach, and start living more fully in the moment we are experiencing right now? Because no matter what, this moment is the most beautiful one you will ever experience. Because it is happening RIGHT NOW.
Its easy to practice being present & seeing the beauty of this moment when everything is good. When you are being cuddled or kissed or loved. When you are on vacation and feeling relaxed and joyful.
Its really difficult to practice being present & seeing the beauty of this moment when “right now” means that you are in the middle of a fight with your loved one or you are angry, annoyed, sad or hurt. But that’s the goal! Those difficult moments where all you want to do is prove that you are right – that is the perfect opportunity to practice letting go and allowing yourself, maybe, to be wrong. Maybe, to change your mind. Maybe to give in & see the situation from another perspective.
When I find myself in this cycle – wanting to be right, feeling the need to be the one with all the answers, thinking that the answers are going to come from “up here” (pointing to my head), instead of “down here” (pointing to my heart)… I have to reel it in. Then, I have to ask myself, what am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to impress? Most times, the answer is some absurd reason for why I am not good enough, why I have to be better. So today, when I got caught up in this cycle, I held my heart, I held my belly.
And I told myself, “I am perfect just BEING.”
I said it a few times, until I could actually feel the words resonating in my body. Until I could actually grasp the idea. Until my heart finally believed its meaning.
Applying this to our relationships with other people gets a little trickier, but it makes us so much stronger!
The key to this practice is learning how to Listen. And in the process of Listening, the goal is to decipher what is “Noise” and what is truth. Personally, I find that I am only able to hear the truth in spaces of silence, so you can also think about discerning what the Noise sounds like and what Silence sounds like.
The Noise is all coming from a very specific, very powerful part of us – the Mind.
Things that come from my mind… judgement, doubt, questioning my own intentions & abilities, fear that I’m not doing the “right” thing, fear that someone else is doing the “wrong” thing, blame, guilt, anger… the list could go on.
The mind is not just the thoughts that we have. The mind is the calculating intelligence – the voice that rationalizes & justifies your decisions, that helps you measure & quantify your experiences. Now, the mind is very useful, don’t get me wrong. It is what has allowed us to evolve into the creatively intelligent species that we are today. But the mind can also be VERY noisy – it can feel like we are being told what to do by a thousand different voices in our head.
I love the saying “You cannot have Peace of Mind. You either have Peace, or you have a Mind.”
This is a very real reminder that the mind is a necessary part of who we are. Because let’s face it — we need the mind! The fact that the Noise is there let’s us know we are alive! Imagine waking up one morning with absolutely NO thoughts. Your “mind chatter” is gone & mentally you hear total silence. It might sound all good & peaceful at first… but that also would mean that you are brain-dead.
So how do we find Silence amidst the Noise, but still be living the most beautiful life we can imagine?
We must practice Listening.
What does it mean to Listen? To really Actively Listen? This is the practice of meditation, the practice of  slowing down & becoming still. The practice of becoming a Witness to one’s mind rather than a slave to it. And when we spend enough time listening to the Noise, we grow more familiar with the sounds that we hear, the habituated patterns of fear & the longing for love. We can start to hear spaces of silence, spaces between the thoughts, the voices, the distractions.
In Silence, we begin to learn the language of the heart – the language of our body’s innate Wisdom.
The more we access the Wisdom part of our body, the more keenly we are tuning in – both with ourselves & our world. The more we align ourselves with the Truth found in silence, the more skilled we get at shifting our perspective, understanding someone else’s point of view, sympathizing during an argument, and living with a greater sense of ease.
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Most simply put, it is all about having healthy & supportive relationships with your loved ones. Its all about being seen & feeling heard. . |
Do you struggle with expressing yourself clearly? Maybe with your partner, your friend, your parents, your children. Or maybe even at work, with your peers, your boss, your clients. What helps you find a sense of stillness in your mind?
Learning how to communicate in a truthful & sustainable way is not only a skill, but it is essential for developing & maintaining healthy relationships.
According to a 75-year Harvard study, Healthy Relationships are the #1 common factor contributing to physical longevity, personal fulfillment, and life-long happiness. Its not what you have, what you do, or how you live that makes you live a long & happy life. Most simply put, it is all about having healthy & supportive relationships with your loved ones. Its all about being seen & feeling heard.
When I tell people that I offer Relationship Coaching for individuals, couples, & families, I often see a similar response on people’s faces. Most likely, they are interested & think its a great idea – but they themselves don’t want to admit that they are struggling to connect to their partner, that they often feel lonely even when surrounded by people, and that they feel unable to express their true feelings to the ones that are closest to them.
I’ve been there. Sometimes its a hard thing to admit, but we are our own biggest critics. And if you have a desire to deepen your relationship with a person you love, or to find someone to devote your heart to, then you have to follow that desire!
You have to do the work to create the most supportive & loving relationships that you can. Quite literally, your life depends on it.
That’s why I am here to help you! If this has sparked your interest, then I think you will enjoy my Free eBook: A Guide to Whole Heart Communication. Its an easy read & full of practical tools to start using today to strengthen your communication skills.Click here to get it now.
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This article originally appeared on Maria Borghoff and is republished on Medium.
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