There is something we do not talk about enough.
We talk about sex.
We talk about chemistry.
We talk about compatibility.
We do not talk about presence.
In Sober Sex I wrote, “Intimacy isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being real.”
That line cost me years to understand.
For over two decades I have worked with individuals and couples. I have sat in rooms where successful people whispered the same confession. I cannot feel. I cannot stay. I need something first.
A drink.
A hit.
A pill.
Not because they are reckless.
Because they are afraid.
Dr. Gabor Maté writes that addiction is not a choice people make. It is an attempt to solve a problem. The problem is pain. That applies in bedrooms too.
When intimacy begins to feel exposing, the nervous system activates. The body scans for threat. That is not weakness. That is biology.
Stephen Porges, the neuroscientist behind Polyvagal Theory, explains that safety is the foundation of connection. Without safety, the nervous system shifts into defense. Fight. Flight. Freeze.
Sex requires surrender.
Defense resists surrender.
So we sedate.
But here is what I have witnessed over twenty years.
Sedation does not create connection. It creates performance.
Performance can look passionate. It can look wild. It can look confident.
But it is not rooted.
And your body knows the difference.
There is also a spiritual component we avoid.
When you numb yourself before intimacy, you do not just dampen anxiety. You dampen awareness. You dull your intuition. You reduce your capacity to feel subtle energy, subtle emotion, subtle truth.
Sex is not just physical friction. It is exchange.
It is nervous systems meeting.
Breath syncing.
Guard lowering.
If you are anesthetized, you are not fully there.
You may be participating.
But you are not inhabiting.
For years I studied trauma modalities.
Somatic work.
Attachment theory.
Mindfulness.
Breath practices.
Energy work.
Why? because I wanted to understand why so many intelligent, capable adults could not stay present in intimacy without a buffer.
The answer was never morality.
It was safety.
You cannot sedate your soul and expect depth.
The last two days of the Kindle Countdown are here. The price 99 cents currently and returns to full on the 29th.
If this stirred something, go get Sober Sex on Amazon while it is still discounted.
Presence is learned. It is not accidental.
As always loving and praying for you,
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Rene’ Schooler(Author)
