Its hard to hear the words, “You are responsible for your emotions” when you have experienced a traumatic event. We want to blame. Brené Brown mentions in her short video on Blame, how we spend about 15 seconds trying to figure out who’s fault something is than in acceptance of an uncomfortable situation. We’d rather blame ourselves than not blame anyone, which sets us up for an emotional failure. So, how does a created emotional response play into blame? Let’s dig deeper and see if we can make some sense out of this seemingly nonsense idea.
Your emotions are your responsibility and yours alone.
I’ve found over the last six years, how the beauty of personal growth shines forth in a working, cohesive group. This week’s group consisted of men who wanted to do better, bring their best selves forward, and learn about how to be even stronger through ownership.
What were they owning?
They took ownership over blame, denial, and minimization. They took ownership over lies, regret, shame, and guilt. They owned their choices.
They learned that everything we feel is created inside of ourselves. Sure, people do and say mean stuff and that hurts, and still, the hurt is created by the perception we have of that very event.
Example, say someone you don’t know tells you something rude about you. If you don’t know who this person is, you most likely will shrug it off and think, “Well, gee dude, thanks but I’m not trusting your judgment, you don’t know me!” and then move along. You literally move along from the person, let the thought go and totally forget about it.
If your loved one came up to you and started telling you how much you were lazy, they hated the way you chewed, and you alwaaaaaaays create more drama than needed, you will more often than not, rise up to the occasion. “Oh, you think I am lazy! Let me tell you about a time I came home and…or you might begin to justify why you chew the way you do, “If you had my denture issues you’d feel sorry for me instead of critiquing me the way you do” and the next one, “Drama? Drama? Oh my gosh, look at you right now stirring up the drama pot!”
Now, can you just feel the change in energy there?
The first one, you shut that sucker down and didn’t even give it another thought or at least not more than one thought. The second scenario, you got defensive, reacted, and fought back creating a huge scene.
Why? Why do we do that?
When we are emotionally invested in someone, we tend to believe our happiness is wrapped up in whatever they say or do. In reality, our happiness is our own responsibility. We can’t demand others to do things all the time to make us feel happy.
Will Smith shared this idea in a video we showed in group tonight. He shared how he retired from making Jada happy. “You go and make yourself happy and then I’ll make myself happy and together we will share in our happiness.” How often do we insist other do things or act a certain way to make us happy? Way more than we want to own.
If we keep it real, we can see that our responsibility is to own our choices in behaviors and the words we use in everyday life. Just because bad things happen doesn’t mean we are off the hook. When you take charge over your life, you win! Even if you slip and fall, you still win because you are out there trying!
Another person shared the idea that we need to just roll over and let people be mean. No. I believe we need to let go of the responsibility of making someone ‘pay’ for their misdeeds or abusive ways.
We can’t change another person.
We can disagree with them, we can shift a paradigm, and remove ourselves from their presence, however the ultimate responsibility is in their choice to change.
We can’t do that, and we need not do any of the pressuring for another person to shift. We can share what we like or don’t like, using I-statements, and we can let people know what makes us uncomfortable.
They get to choose whether they will respect your wishes or not. If not, then your work is done.
You have to choose whether you are in their presence or not.
Sometimes, that choice is harder than it sounds.
When we exert control, we tend to slide into the red zone for abusive behavior patterns. To own our responsibility to heal from damages inflicted upon us is empowerment.
To let go of blame, and release someone’s bad behavior is to free ourselves from their grip.
If we are seeking to protect our children from abusive people and all we have is our word, and no facts then we have no grounds to say what is happening is abusive. If we seek to collect information and build a case against someone, a former partner, or anyone in general, we end up hurting ourselves in the long-term.
When you focus your energy on demanding another person to fit your ideals, you have slipped from connection to control again. While we need to not be doormats, we also need to limit our minds from absorbing negativity from other sources.
Instead of focusing on what someone is doing wrong, focus on what you can do right. Look for ways you can increase the positive experiences of your children and blend hope with the hard stuff. It hurts and it’s uncomfortable to hear these words, but we are responsible for how we respond. If we surge in negative emotions, that’s our choice.
The person or problem presented is as it sits.
The meaning we give it becomes what we see as the problem.
The group tonight really listened to the heart of the message. I hope you can take this simple idea and spread it around like wildflower seeds. Start with something simple. Practice makes permanent, and the better practice you get, the better the permanent behavior becomes targeted in the right place.
The biggest tip out of the message above is to take one area you know you need to let go of, and begin reminding yourself to cease thinking about what you cannot fix or change. When you release this pattern of thought, you get empowered to take charge of what you can control: you. Your emotions are your responsibility and yours alone.
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This post was previously published on Change Your Mind Change Your Life.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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