Sometimes it is not our feelings that are the problem. It is the false condemnation and unrealistic expectations that exaggerate and distort our feelings – it is the feelings that we were not the first to think of and are not our of own creation. Feelings from others we at one point believed to be accurate but perhaps were not.
“In nature we never see anything, but everything in connection with something else which is before it, beside it, under it and over it.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
We live in a world that requires interconnectedness. Yes, we have to be accountable for our own actions. Also, we have to recognize how our relationships with others, especially at the beginning of our lives, have added burdens to our actions. For example, having a very positive beginning may have given someone the burden of not knowing the pain others began life with. Having very negative beginnings may have given someone else the burden of never feeling like they are enough, when in fact many people find them to be an enormous blessing.
It is not about blame or demanding accountability or even proposing a lack of accountability. That is an entirely different discussion. This is about making sense of things. Interconnectedness that is unable to produce much more than pain for you is in some way most likely related to earlier yet interconnectedness where someone that caused you pain was hurt even worse by the people who caused them pain.
Things can be made much more difficult or much easier as a result of our interconnectedness. It is a weakness in that we are constantly vulnerable to being hurt by people we wish would be kind to us. But it is also an opportunity to be the kind person that other people hope happens to them. If someone is not ready yet for your kindness you can move on, you gave your gift and it was not time for it to be received. But if someone is ready or becomes ready for your kindness – what an opportunity to be a blessing to each other.
When you mess up, recognize the truth of what you chose to do in a not so great way, recognize the truth of what you need to do to make it right, but also recognize the truth that it took a lot of factors to come together for you to drop the ball so hard. Seek that balance point where you demand the best of yourself yet also know when to give yourself a break.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
― Maya Angelou
If you had had a stronger muscle with a more intentional training regiment to make that muscle of good decision-making strong, would you have chosen to reject that and instead choose to do the unenlightened thing you did? Probably not. Think of your personhood as something that needs to be strengthened and intentionally built instead of as something that you are destined to keep failing at. Failing is what builds muscle. Sometimes failing is the best thing that could happen to help you learn how to not fail. You’re going to be okay. You’ve got this!
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