Eric Henney thinks it’s great that society is more accepting of men crying, but thinks there are still too many conditions upon when it’s okay for boys to shed tears.
Julie Butler Evans wants you to cry in front of your children. Sort of.
Parents who stifle their emotions in front of their children, argues the New Canaan columnist and mother of four, risk teaching their kids to repress their feelings, which could in turn lead to emotional stunting and low self-esteem. Instead, parents ought to teach their children that sometimes crying is appropriate and therapeutic—and they ought to so by example.
Evans’ argument applies more heavily to the emotional development of young boys than young girls for the fact that stoicism is built into the archetype of the strong, active man. And in fact, there is some evidence to suggest that emotional suppression attendant to the fearless and stoic male figure encourages masculine hegemony. By contrast, a recent study of college football players found that those men who were more willing to cry in certain situations had higher rates of self-esteem than those who weren’t.
The underlying premise of Evan’s piece, and the one that is most salient here, is that there are legitimate situations in which boys and men can cry, and that they shouldn’t feel bad about that. I wouldn’t say this argument is novel, but it’s one worth hearing. And fortunately, it’s gaining traction. Recent studies have suggested that both men and women are starting to soften their once harsh attitudes toward male crying.
I’m still not sure why disapprobation towards men who cry didn’t abruptly fold after Roy Orbison wrote a song about it. But these new developments seem good to me if for no other reason than this: the effectiveness of teaching your child to accept his or her feelings is more dependent on public acceptance than parents may realize. Set aside for a moment the stereotype reinforcement that children undergo watching movies and TV. When you teach your kid that men who cry are sissies, they tend to call the children of parents who teach otherwise sissies. (Trust me on this one.) Such a rift between what you’re told by your parents and what you’re told by the people from whom you crave acceptance is rarely healthy.
But if I’m glad about our progress, I’m still not convinced of its character. For in place of a blanket ruling against public crying we now seem to have substituted a strict list of conditions which comprise the only times a man can cry and stay manly. For example, a man can cry at the birth or death of a loved one, or he can tear up over a national tragedy, or maybe if his arm has just been crushed. But he still can’t really cry if he’s moved or scared or just really sad. Men who cry under those circumstances are still girly.
Setting up asymmetrical lists of conditions under which men and women can acceptably cry, as we are doing, says to me that we’re still not really alright with the image of a watery-eyed man. Not yet, anyway. And while this fact does smack of transition over permanence, it is still one we ought to remember, especially when considering the unspoken (and therefore usually unconsidered) lessons we pass on to our children.
But what about you? Did you cry as a child? Did your parents let you? Do you think that men still shouldn’t cry or should only cry under extreme circumstances?
Photo courtesy of Chris Robertshaw
I grew up in a house that did not handle negative emotions well. My mom cried, but she was always self-depricating about it. She would make a joke about how she was over-emotional. And she only ever cried in specific instances: a particularly sad movie or the death of a family member. Otherwise, she never let us know if she was upset. Unsurprisingly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my father cry at all. When my sister and I were kids we weren’t quite scolded for crying, but it was treated as something that should stop as soon as possible.… Read more »
While watching my dad being carried out of the house to an ambulance, my 8-year old brother started crying. One of the (male) firefighters came over and told him to stop crying, to be strong for me (older sister) and our mom. I was angry then. And 10+ years later, I am livid. I want to punch that firefighter, because how dare he? And I was too young to say or do anything about it. Human beings are human beings, with human emotions and human ways of expressing them. Fair enough if you’re not emotionally expressive, but if you are,… Read more »
I’m curious, is it necessary to model crying in front of your boys or is is sufficient to not discourage them when they do? I’ve always heard that what kids need from their adult parents is emotional stability to which they can moor themselves when their own feelings are more turbulent. When my son has tantrums me getting upset or frustrated doesn’t help him. Speaking to him calmly, holding him, and reassuring him that I love him helps calm his troubled mind when he can’t calm himself. Crying isn’t the only alternative to stoicism when modeling how to handle emotions… Read more »
I think there’s something of a difference between not reacting emotionally to something your kid is doing, and not reacting emotionally to any events in your life. Like you said, in that situation where your son has a tandrum, you getting upset doesn’t help him. But like…I think this article is more talking about instances where you are grieving or feeling pain, and that then you should express it. (This is a general you, I’m not trying to call you out or something).
I have seen my dad who is my hero cry twice in my life, both quiet tears. Once at the funeral of his brother who died suddenly and once when my brother recieved an outstanding award. But, he is a loving affectionate person, whereas some harsh mean men cry far more often.
Point: Crying is not synonymous with showing healthy emotion.
If they could get laid and still show their emotions, I’m all for it. Other then that I don’t think women are progressive enough to put up with emotional men.
A very powerful point packaged in just a few words. Well done, Budmin!
Male crying will not become ‘acceptable’ as long as men are socially punished for it. And pretending that this is men’s sole responsibility to change is flat-out false.
Parents who stifle their emotions in front of their children, argues the New Canaan columnist and mother of four, risk teaching their kids to repress their feelings, which could in turn lead to emotional stunting and low self-esteem. Instead, parents ought to teach their children that sometimes crying is appropriate and therapeutic—and they ought to so by example. Do we have a peer-reviewed study? Do we have a clue whether this is true or not? Or is this a New Agey thing we’re all supposed to accept? I have a problem with people–if I understand a comment above, I agree–who… Read more »
No one’s talking about encouraging male children to “fake it,” much less “taking the traditional male actions [huh?] apart piece by piece.” Did you actually read the article, and/or the comments, Richard?
I ‘get’ what you are saying, but I look at this from a rather tragic angle. As boys are told to ‘cowboy-up’ and to not cry, they truly are learning that some emotions are not for them. They learn not only stoicism, but also that they, as males, are expected to communicate hurt and fear at entirely different levels…that crying is not only invalid, but a display of an inferior male. It truly IS all about phases, and not damaging the boy as he walks through one. Hell, crapping his diaper is a phase. He gets through it. We get… Read more »
I cried as a child. I still cry at times. I have more concerns these days with individuals these days who think something is wrong with you if you DON’T cry when expected.
It is tricky business sorting through the negative socialization of men that teaches them not to cry, and still honoring the innate differences that make them naturally less likely to shed tears than their female counterparts.
Good article.
For quite a while I would cry without tears, have all the feelings of crying but frustration at the fact my tears just wouldn’t work. I can cry ok now but remember someone doesn’t need to cry to be upset.
I hear it all the time as a mom of boys. I’m frequently the only woman in the locker room/on sidelines with the little guys. “There’s no crying in hockey,” the dad/coach says. I think, “Really? This boy’s 7 years old, freezing, exhausted, wet and falling all over the ice. He just got hit with a stick. Why can’t he cry? If the boy were a wuss, he wouldn’t be here getting hit with sticks.” I don’t tolerate much whining (of myself or those around me) – that’ s diffferent. An expression of discomfort and a commitment to do something… Read more »
“There’s no crying in hockey?” Really Coach? Cuz that 7-yo right there is crying. I can see it…chowdah-head!
Its coaches like that who give humans a bad name.
Eric and Editorial Staff: I think this topic and this specific article are a significant element of a boy’s lacking licence to disclose sexual abuse in this society. If a boy ‘crying’ is not acceptable, how the heck can he tell us what THEY are doing to him. 99% of boy-victims never disclose. There are reasons for this!! You hit one right here. I’ll be linking this within Malesurvivor.org.
Thanks, Rob.
We really agree. Teaching oys to “just deal with it and shut up” is incredibly damaging on many levels.
Children need to know that not only is okay to feel and communicate ALL emotions, but also that their parents can handle anything the child wants to tell us. I think sometimes kids stifle themselves because we haven’t shown them that their feelings will be received and respected.