We had a weeklong Aikido Seminar with Hanshi at our Dojo. I told Ishibashi Sensei, “I learn so much from Hanshi.” Sensei said that we have to make use of Hanshi’s time as much as possible. Sensei and I are in our sixties. Hanshi is 71 years old. Our time is finite, and time is undefeated.
Hanshi travels the world teaching Aikido and helps students like me become better people. Hanshi said, “If you defend, you can be defeated.” In Aikido, I don’t defend against the attacker. I don’t block the attack. I match the attack in my attack. I make the attacker defend. I make what I fear, defend.
Those like Ishibashi Sensei and me make use of Hanshi’s time, because Hanshi makes his time useful. In many ways, Hanshi is The Last Samurai. In Japanese, samurai means to serve. Hanshi devotes his life to service. He makes his time useful. That inspires me to make my time useful, too.
I’m 63 years old. I have more years behind me than ahead. That’s the human design. I make use of my time ahead in Aikido training, in writing. I want to make my time useful, too. Werner Erhard said that when we get that we choose who we are going to be in any given moment, then making a difference is our most authentic self-expression.
Over 10 years ago, I fell into clinical depression. I worked with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. When I was a little boy, Dad scared me to my very soul. I was not the son that he wanted. I was his greatest disappointment in life. I was not good enough for Dad. I never would be. I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me.
My fear inside me that I’m not good enough, had finally caught up with me. I told Lance, that although I had made a difference for others in the past, I felt that I had nothing meaningful to contribute anymore. I was no longer useful.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of the Aikido is to release your fear.” In Aikido, Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and let go my fear inside me that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free myself. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do.
In working with Lance, I entered my fear of Dad when I was 8 years old. As bad as I had it from Dad, he got it far worse from his Dad. Dad only did to me what his Dad had done to him. He didn’t know any better. I forgive Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside too, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not over, and over, and over again. Practice makes the unnatural, natural.
I make my time useful teaching Aikido. I pass on what the late Mizukami Sensei taught me, “Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” Like Hanshi taught don’t defend, you make what you fear defend. Take a glancing blow for what’s meaningful to you. Take a risk to have a good, meaningful life.
I teach Aikido students to throw with their feeling out, throw from their one point, ki. What the late Mizukami Sensei taught me. It doesn’t matter how big and strong the attacker is, you can throw with your feeling out. It doesn’t matter how strong you are on the outside, you’re stronger inside. That’s true strength. That’s something you can use. Just train.
I make my time useful writing for the Good Men Project. In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. I write to help guide others in finding their own path to end suffering. That’s something others can use.
I make my time useful in what I do and in who I am. Maybe, that makes a difference for others and honors the legacy of all those who have made a difference for me. Maybe, the world becomes a greater place, too. That’s my sincerest wish.
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Photo by Elena Koycheva on Unsplash
