Childhood
By Milena Bennett
I want to be a child for once.
I was the child of two people with more problems in their brains than I could count with both hands.
I was the child of two childish people who didn’t know love.
I was the child of two people who made sure I knew I would never be their priority.
I am no longer a child.
I was a child who’d cry herself to sleep, trying to fit my fist in my mouth to make sure my sobs couldn’t escape.
I was a child who hid my pain from the people whose responsibility it was to protect me.
I was a child who would hold back tears as I watched the people who made me, time after time, leave me on a doorstep like an unwanted package.
I am no longer a child.
I was a child raised by her grandparents.
I was a child who was accepted into a better home.
I was a child of two loving grandparents.
I was a child whose heroes are my grandparents.
I was a child who’s only loving father figure died when I was 13.
I was a child who visited my grandfather’s grave every Father’s Day.
I am no longer a child.
I was a child of bullying.
I was a child who was neglected until found by some random adult, with my face bloody and my lungs full of dirt.
I was a child who learned to throw a punch before learning my multiplication tables.
I am no longer a child.
I was a child who was forced by my doctor to go into treatment when I was in fourth grade.
I was a child who had to take full control of my treatment in fourth grade because no one else cared enough.
I was a child who figured in fourth grade that my future was limited.
I am no longer a child.
I was a child who loved an unborn child more than anything.
I was a child who lost that unborn child very early.
I was a child who got tattoos too young.
I was a child who used every possible escape, from self-harm to being hooked on drugs to becoming an adrenaline junkie just to try to feel okay.
I was a child who ended up being sent away by my guardians after talking to my therapist, to a place that had daily, maybe weekly if we were lucky, body checks.
I am no longer a child.
I wish I had been able to really be a child.
I wish I had been able to be a child whose parents showed up with camcorders to watch me get something as stupid as an attendance award.
I wish I had been a child whose only worry was which packet had a disgusting orange starburst.
I wish I had been a child who had a chance to focus on coloring inside the lines and the retention skills to remember the capitals of all fifty states.
I wish I had been a child who went to Disneyland and summer camps and nice fancy schools like all the other white kids did.
No matter how badly I want to be that child, I never was, and I never will be.
Because I am no longer a child.
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